To just take one of the children?

[Fairylights2345]

I'd like to arrange a day out to London with DD8 that wouldn't really suit my rather rambunctious DS5 (early start, long journey, quiet exhibition...), and DS5 would have a special day with DH in our local city that is more suited to his energy levels.

Going to London for a day out would really be a one-off, at least for the foreseeable future. It's a long way for us (over 3 hours) and I can't imagine taking DS there on his own for a day out for at least another few years (until he's DD's age really).

So my question is, would it be unreasonable to take DD8 on this day out when I have no intention of replicating it for DS5 for at least a few years?

Of course it's fine. I've got twins and we consciously do separate outings for one on one time.

Hi op,

it is fair, it is called « wait you are her age ». Then do it. Don’t say it and not do it, that is really not on but if he knows he will get it then 👌🏼

Maybe lead the way with « When your sister was 5, she did…. » and then give it to him. Then another time before the London thing.

Good luck 🌺

Not unreasonable at all. I often did things like this. Both girls but 4 years apart

It’s not unreasonable- take DD to London.

But don’t wait to take your son there; instead spend a day with just him doing something appropriate and special.

I actually think it's a good thing spending one on one time with each child, so 💯 yes

He doesn't have a strong sense of justice, he has a strong sense of getting his own way. Don't let your 8 year old miss out because a 5 year old is acting like a 5 year old.

How lovely! Don't even hesitate. Next post should be asking for nice suggestions (if needed) for restaurants and things to do.
Any chance of overnighting it given your travel time? Premier Inn, Shepherds Bush Road, at c£120 for the night (super fast into centre, good connections for getting to Kings X etc

YANBU - my approach has always been to treat my children equally. That doesn’t mean the same.

Children are individuals with different needs. Treating them the same will not necessarily satisfy their needs equally. Giving them both individual time with a parent doing something they like is fair and treating them equally. As is planning a day out in London for when your DS is older and more able to appreciate it - and by making it a one-to-one it can be tailored to his interests (as you are doing for your DD).

It's nice to have a bonding day with a child 1 on 1 for the day.

I don't see why this would even cross your mind as even being an issue. My Dad lives in London and I take it in turns to take one of my 3 children each year for a solo trip and the thought has never entered my head that it would be unreasonable in any way.

its better than reasonable to give each child an enjoyable day one to one with a parent. Who cares how much it costs or how far away. Enjoy!

He doesn't have a strong sense of justice, he has a sense of entitlement

That! He's five! If you start not doing things with your older child because he kicks off, when will that ever end? You'll just end up with an obnoxious teenaged/adult son, and a daughter whose life he ruins. And your relationship with your daughter will be toast.

It's entirely normal and right to do things separately as well as together.

Nope, no problem at all. My boys are autistic and I deliberately took them separately, wouldn't have been able to deal with the two of them at the same time. Regularly take one out for the day and not the other.
Just take the younger one out somewhere he would enjoy for the day another time

That's not a strong sense of justice, it's a sense of entitlement. The fact you're unsure and posting here suggests that he needs to be parented more strogly.

I'd stop trying to make things fair. He gets his needs met and dd hers. Stop explaining yourself to him and say that if he acts stroppy and cheeky, his day out will be cancelled.

Same.

Perfectly sums up the situation.
Do you often find your daughter’s days are dictated by a 5 year old DB?
Don’t let your DD learn it’s normal or OK to always acquiesce to her demanding younger brother.

That’s not a strong sense of justice though, it’s petulant entitlement! Children need solo time with parents, to reflect their different interests/personalities, and age difference. When you say “he’s having none of it” - YOU are the adult here, not him. He doesn’t get to dictate. If that continues, your DD never gets to do things that she really wants to do, because he is ruling the roost, and that’s unfair and sad.

I think it’s fine!

I’d make sure DS either gets to do something fun with his dad that day, or else has a different special day out another time (or both - but you and DH swap which kid you spend the day with next time - so next time you get the day with DS and you DH has a day with DD).

Lots of parents I know have a day like this with each child once per year or per term or whatever, especially if the family has only two children.

I mostly agree with this.

It might stem from a “strong sense of justice” but he needs to be helped to understand what justice would mean in this scenario, or similar scenarios. It doesn’t become unjust because the trips aren’t happening s the same time/ with the same parent, as long as things are fair overall.

Some children do need help seeing that justice doesn’t mean they get everything their sibling gets at the same time.

But you can’t let one of your children dictate the life of the family.

I have a DS with ADHD and a feature of that is rejection sensitive disorder. You do have to spend time helping them reframe things in their minds to understand they aren’t being rejected or being treated unjustly. But you can’t just leave it with them getting everything they want as it won’t serve them in later life.