Would you have a second child if…

[Olibi]

It meant moving to a bigger, more expensive house from one you’ve done a lot of work on, increasing your hours at work, fewer days out and holidays? To add, we are a neurodivergent family, if that’s relevant.

Obviously nobody would take their 2nd child back and you would never regret them when they are here. If you are objectively trying to make the decision beforehand would the above sway you to sticking as a family of 3?

We love being parents and would like a big family but it seems to come at at a sacrifice to other things, mainly less freedom to alter work hours and each not being able to focus as much on having time for one another.

YABU - one and done is underrated!
YANBU - don’t overthink it, people make it work

One and done and couldn't be happier - all of us! It has so much going for it.

I don’t think one and done is under rated but if you are deciding and being sensible about it, being a neurodivergent family would be the decider to say no to anymore children for me.

You need to put the happiness and wellbeing of the people who are already here first. So if I thought that I'd be giving myself, partner and existing child a lower quality of life I'd not have another. However only you can say if more work, less outings and money would reduce your quality of life. Some people could absorb that without too much impact.

None of those things would have stopped me from having a second child. But I always wanted two kids and didn’t feel our family was complete with one. As soon as I had my second I knew I was done. Some people feel they are done after one baby, some after three or more. Everyone is different. I don’t think there’s any right answer here. Only you can decide whether you prioritise a larger family over freedom and time as a couple or vice versa.

I think both are true. I love that we are one-and-done for some of the reasons that you suggest. But I'm equally sure that if we'd had a second, we'd have made it work somehow.

One and done. Very happy with that decision. I couldn't afford another child.

I wouldn't have been able to make peace with one and done. We will have to move at some point which will be difficult to afford but I'd always feel like I wanted more than 1 and so did dh. It's not something we wanted to compromise on

I think if you really want a second, you'll generally make it work and the sacrifices will seem worth it for your family. Because you want a family with two children and the rest is window-dressing essentially (holidays, days out etc just seem unimportant when weighed against that want for a second child).

If you're weighing it up, personally I'd take that as meaning you'd be content to stick at one. I'm not saying you'd be unhappy to have a second necessarily, but not trying for one would not be the 'wrong' choice for your family, as it were.

Could it not work in the property you have now? I ask as people have different ideas about what they need eg every child needs their own bedroom versus a family who would just buy a bunk bed.
The ND thing depends on how much this affects each of you in relation to noise, sharing space etc that need to be considered with the potential addition of a new baby.

There always reasons not to have children or more children. When you want those children, you ignore the reasons not to and make it work. Whilst you’re using excuses why a second would be harder, I would say you’re not ready. If, in the future, you are ready they just won’t be reasons anymore they’ll be something to work around.

We moved to the bigger house (for other reasons), got the bigger car (again for other reasons) but I still think we’re one and done. I have a whole host of reasons why a second would be worse for our family but the truth is if I wanted a second, they just wouldn’t be there. We’d deal with the cost of childcare, we’d just accept the lack of sleep and lack of freedom again, we’d just accept that family days would be cheaper.

I think this is true. We just had our second child without a second thought. The want for the child would not have been diminished by any practical/ financial considerations so we didn’t even bother to really discuss it and just jumped right in. Seems a bit reckless now I think of it but it’s worked out for the best and we’ve dealt with all the extra work, changes etc as we’ve gone along.

No.

I grew in a poor household and my mum often had to say no to things I wanted to do, hobbies and similar. I was an only child and she did her best but obviously as a kid I didn't understand that, I just had the disappointment of not getting to do things that my cousins and peers did.

I only have one child myself, if I had another our quality of life would be lessened. To be fair I've never really wanted another but even if I did, my wants don't trump all the other factors.

I wouldn't.

We are a neurodivergent family and have three children. As a PP said, I didn't give any thought to the practicalities/finances of having any of my children, I just wanted them! But I often think that the hardest part of having neurodivergent children is their relationships with each other, which are very rocky. My DS1, who is ASD and ADHD and very challenging, aggressive behaviour, would be much easier to manage if he didn't have siblings to beat up/make him more disregulated. He is driven mad by the noise of his siblings, and they are unable to access a lot of the socialising they might like to because he isn't able to be around people much. DH and I both went through burnt out and mental health problems with the stress if it all.

On the other hand, the fact that his sister is also autistic means that they always have someone to talk to when they can't make friends outside the home.

Another thing to bear in mind is that the current state school system is utterly unsuitable for a lot of neurodivergent children, and things like child care and afterschool clubs, holiday clubs etc can also be inaccessible. Which for us has meant that I had to quit my job to look after DS1 at home while fighting for an EHCP and special school place as he couldn't cope at mainstream primary (and now in special school he has no access to wrap around care), and am now doing the same with DD who couldn't cope at mainstream secondary. Navigating the SEN system can be extremely stressful. Obviously just being "neurodivergent" doesn't mean that your child/children will need special school etc, but it is a lot more likely that they will find school very hard.

I love my kids very much and they love each other but I often think they would find life easier without their siblings.

Had a second one but we really wanted another and felt we could manage. It is tough, going from 1-2 is way harder than having just one because you’re balancing their needs which leaves even less for yourself. In saying that…. We are thinking about a third! I love my kids and their relationship with each other is adorable but I would say we are aware if we go again it means putting a lot on hold for 3-4 years!!

There are families with one and families with more, some with lots of space and some in tightly packed accommodation. You will hear lots of stories from MNers in all sorts of different circumstances whose families work for them... I think the thing to think about here goes beyond do we want another one or is there enough room.

Do you want your child to experience the relationship with a sibling - as a child, as an adult?
Are you sure you and your partner won't get to 50 and regret it not having another one?
Does your family feel complete?
Could you cope if your second child was born with significant needs?

Good luck with your decisions. Not easy! x

I would never have just one. Can't think of anything worse.

If you yourself are neurodivergent you may find it hard to cope with the stress, complications and tiredness of 2 kids and moving house/more work. I have adhd and did it..had a second after a 9 year gap, and I wouldn't say I regret it, but I have struggled SO much, for years.

I also agree with what is said above, my kids both struggle heavily with school and can't do clubs, they both have adhd/add this makes life extremely difficult. You may want to put a lot of thought into it..whether you want a calm relatively stress free life, or to make your life chaotic

Btw I meant said above by a previous poster about neurodivergent kids struggling with school..a valid point

My ND husband can't cope with the demands a second has put on him especially having to actively parent the first whilst I care for baby. It's going to end in divorce once they're old enough to survive his meltdowns without me there to protect them.

This is privilege talking.

Not necessarily - some people just dont think that deeply about things are are more free spirited...Some people just hope for the best

However that approach aint for me lol - im a bag of anxiety

• there is nothing that would make me give up freedoms and have to work longer hours. Whats the point of having kids you dont see anyway

Is your first child ND? Likelihood your second child will be and the harsh truth is you don’t know how high needs they will present. Or even how much additional support your first child will need as they grow. My first was a very easy child but is now needing high support, we had our second because we thought we’d cracked parenting first time (hahahahahahaha). Second child is severely delayed and will need lifetime support, I’m likely not to be able to work for the next few years as it’s absolutely constant. My relationship broke down because my ex own neurodivergence meant he was coping with life less and less.

I personally wouldn’t because I have only ever wanted one child and wouldn’t want to deprive my existing child of material and time advantages for the sake of a notional second child.

But as others have said it depends how much you want the second. If you really want a second you will make it work.