Would you have a second child if…

[Olibi]

It meant moving to a bigger, more expensive house from one you’ve done a lot of work on, increasing your hours at work, fewer days out and holidays? To add, we are a neurodivergent family, if that’s relevant.

Obviously nobody would take their 2nd child back and you would never regret them when they are here. If you are objectively trying to make the decision beforehand would the above sway you to sticking as a family of 3?

We love being parents and would like a big family but it seems to come at at a sacrifice to other things, mainly less freedom to alter work hours and each not being able to focus as much on having time for one another.

YABU - one and done is underrated!
YANBU - don’t overthink it, people make it work

Each will have advantages and disadvantages. Being an only child, I never wanted just one. Although we didn't have to make sacrifices and our house was already big enough to have a bedroom each so can't comment on that part.
When it comes to neurodivergence, I am autistic as is our eldest, youngest and DP are neurotypical. It has worked out well as there is a small age gap, and our youngest helps to bring the eldest out of his shell as he is very quiet and used to keep himself to himself a lot. He now socialises more and will be going to a mainstream school when the time comes. I will say our first (ND) child lulled us into a false sense of security as he has always slept well, been quiet and incredibly well behaved and tidies up when asked. Our second (NT) child doesn't like sleeping in his own bed, is full of energy, messy and rarely does as he's told!

In what way?

Personally, i would. I would not deny someone a life just because i couldn't give them their own bedroom.

But i am nearly 60 years old and brought my kids up in an age when we just made do with less when more kids were born.

So we did have kids sharing bedrooms. As they got older, our financial situation improved and we extended so everyone had their own room.

Obvs, i don't know how small your house is and i have not gone through the thread. If you are all cooped up in a bedsit, then maybe not!

But, generally sharing a room is fine when they are under 10 ish. Even after that, ok it's not ideal but lots of sibs have to share right through - would they wish they'd never been born? (maybe their older sibs might have!!)

Personally I would because I am an only child and I love having two children so I’m speaking from my own experience but everyone is different.

Neurodivergent is hard. I would think twice.

all of that was likely true with the first kid. If your decision was driven by cost, the house size you would enjoy, work flexibility etc you wouldn’t have had the first one.

Do you want a second child? Can you make it work if you do? That’s your real question.

I’m yet to hear a genuinely rational argument for family size where choices existed. Everyone just comes up with explanations to explain their feelings - we all give weight to the logic in unbalanced ways, and we strengthen those arguments if we’re happy with how things turn out. Myself included.

one & done for me & a lot of my friends. I would’ve had to have bought a bigger house in a less desirable area if I had another & there would’ve been a lot less treats/hols. On balance, I wanted to have a nice life & give my DD a nice life too. I also value money in the bank & working part-time

@Olibi

Why do you need a bigger house?

How many bedrooms do you currently have?

I have a 3 bed with 2 kids

My parents had a 3 bed with 3 kids (did extend when we were 14).

What?? Why?

I can't answer for you, because I am not neurodivergent. My son is, and he has already said he does not ever want children.

But most people decide purely on feeling, not on practicality. My parents had four children - and my dad's final salary was less than my first (they happened to fall within three years of eachother).

I personally found it hard to cope with my only baby, so once I saw the 'light at the end of the tunnel' I was done. But you seem to really enjoy your first, not feel overwhelmed, and want more, so why not?

I mean, only you can decide if extra holidays and affluence is worth it for you.

It’s a goady comment.

If it ain't broke....

Personally, if I had an existing happy family and a nice home then no. You could open a can of worms.

It was a feeling not a practical decision for me. I now feel done after 2.

You might regret them.

I actively chose to stop at 1 because I found parenting stressful and I thought id be a worse mum to No1 and i know id regret that, no matter how much i loved No2.

I knew all my babies deserved my best and my best was good enough for 1 because I can balance my time. 2 and I'd have been snappy snd tired and I'd rather just have fun with 1.

Different strokes.

Financially, I'll never regret being able to gift my child an entire house.

@wp65 The same as you probably feel about having 2.

I’ve never thought about having a second child.
I guess it’s quite a personal thing, really..,

Only you can make that decision. I always wanted 2 children. I grew up an only child and I felt lonely sometimes. But when our first was born he was very tricky. We love him so much but he was a very hyper baby/toddler/child. He didn't sleep through the night until aged 5, he couldn't sit still at all and was constantly fidgeting, running, jumping, We live in a 2 bedroom flat and can't afford to buy bigger right now so space and finances was also a concern. We did eventually start trying for a 2nd and I fell pregnant quickly but I was nervous about it and felt unsure. Sadly at a 9 week scan I was told I'm so sorry there was no longer a heartbeat. We were absolutely devastated. I felt guilty for being uncertain- maybe my baby felt unwanted and it was my fault :( I suddenly was desperate to be pregnant again and so we tried again only for it to happen again, exactly the same circumstances. And again a third time. I lost three babies in the space of a year, all silent miscarriages. And then, finally, after the most stressful 9 months where every day I was convinced I'd lose him, finally our rainbow baby arrived. And in a moment it was all worth it. I changed careers when he was one, and for the past year have had to work extra hours to afford nursery. Almost paying to work! I am so exhausted. But it was an investment, I've now got a good stable career with more prospects than before and maybe next year we will afford a bigger place. It's been absolutely exhausting, but I wouldn't change it. My eldest adores his little brother. It's so special to know they have each other. However I will say my journey made me realise even more that it's also perfect to have one child, any child is the most amazing precious blessing. I feel extremely lucky to have been able to have had 2.