Not having children

[curiousS]

May not be the right place to post but didn't know where else to post...
Do you ever come to terms with not having children if you want them?
I'm almost 40. Singe and always wanted to have a family but not in a desperate way. I was always happy to let nature take its course.
I always believed it would happen if and when it's meant to be.
Well. It hasn't happened. I've not dated much. Even though conventionally speaking I'm attractive enough and have the right attributes.
I'm so laid back and easy going that I genuinely do get along with most people.
I always thought it would happen easily for me. But, here we are.
I'm not the kind of person who would want to do it alone. I wanted a family. I come from a two parent family with 3 siblings so I always wanted the same.
Now, the harsh reality is that I'm nearly 40 and my time has passed.
I would never do IVF. I feel quite sad about it.
Do you get over the feelings? I'm sure you do but is it always going to sting?

I am in your position but decided having kids isn't for me.
I have health issues and wouldn't want future kids to share that or my looks or personality. I also am terrified of the idea of pregnancy and birth.
Harder for you as you do actually want kids. No advice but I know it can be hard to feel the odd one out. X

I'm a decade older than you and don't have children in similar circumstances, I remember my late thirties and early forties being really painful, because it just didn't happen and I was very sad about it. I have the same issue with IVF, no judgement for people that do have it, it just wasn't for me. I found other meaningful things to do and I worked really hard to remind myself of the good things and people that I did have in my life. I have a faith which helps me because I believe in a bigger plan for my life. I have 6 godchildren and am a village for my friends and family with children, but it was really difficult for a while, because despite what others thought (and said) I didn't want those children, they had parents, I wanted my own. I did consider adoption or fostering but being single meant I couldn't afford a mortgage or rent for a house big enough. Now experiencing menopause and a mother that needs more care, I'm almost grateful that I don't also have to deal with children on top of that. It takes time to come to terms with it, be kind to yourself.

IVF is not AID. One is In-Vitro Fertilisation, the other is Artificial Insemination by Donor.

"Thank you. I don't agree with IVF as I believe if it was meant for you then it would happen.
I know that may seem silly but it's how I feel.
Plus I don't want to be a single mum."

You see the thing is OP, it's a modern world now and IVF is available but it's not guaranteed, so if it's 'not meant to happen' by your belief, then it still won't happen as it won't work. It's like saying you wouldn't allow a c section or medical help in pregnancy because if the baby is meant to be it will be. It just doesn't make any sense.

IVF is not the same as using donated sperm

If you find it helpful to think this way (if it was meant then it would happen), then perhaps you can view not having children as the universe having other plans for you. You were meant to be a great friend / godparent / auntie; you were meant to have a great career; you were meant to have freedom to travel and experience the world… obviously depends on who you are, what you value, what your circumstances are etc, but try to refocus on the good things that are destined to be in your future.

Grieving a future you hoped for and expected is really painful. Finding people irl going through something similar can really help.

Choosing not to have IVF is absolutely fine. What I was referring to was saying that you don't agree with it because infertility should just be accepted as some sort of "fate".

Rick.

The OP was answering a direct question about herself. Stop berating the OP for her reply.

No, she said that she doesn't believe in IVF as if it was meant for "you" then it would happen. And I was not berating her FFS, I simply suggested that maybe she be careful with her phrasing because that can be hurtful for some people who are struggling with infertility. Calm down, the OP has already noted it and I've responded directly to her. Really not sure why everyone else is getting annoyed on her behalf when she's not annoyed herself.

Can't edit my post, just wanted to say sorry for the thread derailment OP. Hope you find some solace and good advice on the other forum.

Gosh, can everyone stop telling the OP she can have fertility treatment when she's been clear it's not for her?

OP, the childfree board might be the place for a less frustrating discussion than AIBU.

I'm sorry for hear you are sad about this situation. I'm a single parent to a 5 month old and it's hard but seeing her smile everyday makes it worth it. I think the main thing you need to consider is whether you want a partner or a partner and family.. for example would you be happy to be with someone and not have children or is children something that you want and it's making you sad.

The world has a way of making things that you think impossible, possible and you never know what the future holds. I know it's easy to say but keep hope that one day you are going to be happy and content with your situation.. whether that's on your own, with a partner, child etc.

Please don't feel down or sad.. I wish you happiness x

@Rickrolypoly wind your neck in.

Many, many people feel strongly against IVF for a multiple of reasons (including playing god and against nature etc, as well as the massive risk to the woman in terms of increased cancer risks and future health concerns - never the bloke having treatment to improve his sperm is it? When more time than not it will be crap sperm quality or undiagnosed immune conditions causing the infertility anyway).

The OPs is a personal reason. Who are you to police someone else's language? If you don't like reading it, go be offended somewhere else.

I am in a very similar situation to you OP, but 10 years older, and I can say - yes - it does get easier. You can come to terms with it. I think I naturally found it a little easier as my fertility came to an end - it wasn't even an option then. I also focus on all the things I can do which would be difficult with a family. I live a rich, full, independent life with many interests and friends.
There will always be a small sadness there, but it is very much less.

Honestly, some people must exhaust themselves trying to sanitise the internet to make it a 'just perfect' personal read 🙄

It's ridiculous how many posters expect to be able to come here, and silence what are predominantly women's opinions.

I take from this that your attitude really is that if something is meant to be then it will happen. I don't think you said it with judgement.
All I can say, if I am right, then this attitude will become more and more relevant as you get older. I am married, (so i realise a different situation) but the same situation with regards to no children. Not able to have children meant I had this attitude to, if it was meant to be it would happen and that I would try and make my life happy and full in other ways, not become overcome or obsessed with becoming pregnant. Wanting to be happy regardless of the children fate situation, is what has got me through. And now in my late 40's the realisation that I wouldn't want to be an old mum, that I am happy, that I am settled and wouldn't want now to have that huge life changing situation of a child becomes more in focus. I still become upset, and I realise I do have my husband for support and you don't. What I am saying is try and build focus elsewhere, make yourself happy and you're younger than me, you do still have time to meet someone and have a whirlwind romance but if that doesn't happen then continue to work on enriching your life in other ways and eventually you will accept the hand you're dealt

Have a look at Gateway Women, OP. Amazing resource for childless women.

I am a bit confused by this. If you think you might be content without kids if you had a partner, then I suppose keep looking for a partner?

More generally, I am not sure if anyone can answer this question for you as it depends on the person. Some people move on and find happiness in other ways. Some others may have a lot of regret. Lots of people will be somewhere in between. All you can do in any event is carry on looking for meaning and happiness in whatever ways are open to you.

FWIW I am quite a bit older than you, I do have a child but a lot of my close friends don’t.

I think it’s very normal to have a “why hasn’t it happened for me?” period.

Most of my child free friends, whether child free by design or otherwise, are now very much at peace with it.

One who really pined for children but didn’t ever have them is now very happy, very successful with an incredible job, a great partner and a great social life and is now grateful.

If you are absolutely hell bent on having children forget the dating and do it on your own: there’s nothing worse than a desperate push to find “the one” before your deadline. It won’t do anything for your mental health. Putting yourself on the market like that is an awful way to live.

But if it doesn’t happen you will come to terms with it.

I’m in a happy marriage but I have ASD. I don’t want to pass it on and I don’t want to have a donor egg and go through IVF. I also don’t know if it would be the right decision for me to have a child given I struggle badly with anxiety. I’m perfectly intellectually capable but I think I would get emotionally overwhelmed. So despite the fact I do want children, I am coming to terms with a child free life. It’s hard though, I do feel sad about it.

They do say it takes a village to raise children (not a woman and a man 😉 !) and if you have good relationships and good times with your family, you could still have support if you did choose IVF route. And just to be awfully cynical for a minute, plenty of women with partners (as frequently shown on here) end up feeling like they might as well be single parents for all the effort and understanding some blokes contribute 🙄 Just.. if you think you’ll regret not having child of your own don't discount IVF. Otherwise, there is also fostering or adoption if your nurturing side can only be fulfilled by raising child/ren.

Bit of an overreaction

You feel how you feel, OP. Sit with your feelings if you can. I think it can be helpful to hear other people acknowledge that, even if not having children is a decision, rather than enforced by circumstances, it can be difficult, and need some time to come to terms with. Obviously for some people, it’s completely straightforward, as it never occurred to them to even contemplate having a child, but for some people it’s not so easy.

Three lemons it sounds like you have a poor understanding of IVF and what it involves as it can be indicated for male infertility as well as female. I guess insulin and antibiotics are against nature too so let’s not bother with those either.