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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel going to work night out

32 replies

EllieThirsk · 27/09/2024 16:03

My employer has given everyone money towards a meal out with their department as a thank you.

My department booked an activity for a Friday evening in November instead of a meal and the venue is 2.5 hrs away from where I live. We will pay for our own dinner/drinks while there plus transport getting there/home. I looked at hotels but they are £200+ for the night so a colleague offered me their spare room which I agreed to.

Now reality is hitting and I don't particularly want to go. I'm mid 40s if that makes a difference. In retrospect, I would have preferred a meal out somewhere central to everyone although we weren't given that option.

AIBU to say I'm no longer going? It won't impact anyone else but I'll look flaky as have cancelled in the past due to social anxiety, I know I shouldn't be bothered about what others think but it does play on my mind.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 27/09/2024 16:05

You don’t need to have a long list of reasons to give for why you’re not longer attending.

No is a full sentence.

stop worrying about what other people think of you and do what works for you.

AdultChildQuestion · 27/09/2024 16:07

No, try not to worry about what everyone else thinks. Just say you can no longer go as you have to be elsewhere early the next morning or something. Sounds grim to me, staying with a colleague!

SauviGone · 27/09/2024 16:09

I wouldn’t go anyway - imagine having to pay hundreds of pounds for dinner, drinks, transport and a hotel to spend time doing an “activity” with the people you are with all day every day at work.

No thanks.

Who took the unilateral decision to take the money which was supposed to be spent on dinner and spent it on an activity instead?

Teeheehee1579 · 27/09/2024 16:09

No is not a full sentence - in really life saying no without any explanation sounds rude. I do think though that a 5 hour round trip OR having to stay somewhere is too much. I would make up an excuse and get out of it.

Hadalifeonce · 27/09/2024 16:10

If you need to explain, I would just say that you would have preferred to go for the dinner the funds were meant for.

TakingTheLowRoad · 27/09/2024 16:11

I have a personal policy against attending any work social events. I say no to all requests, politely and with no explanation. And I certainly wouldn't be spending my own time and money to attend one! It's great, after you refuse a couple no one expects you to attend anyway Grin

SLeanne · 27/09/2024 16:12

As it's a thank you evening out, and not a team building obligatory thing, I would say don't go if you are not comfortable with it.

Wendysfriend · 27/09/2024 16:12

Are you not interested in doing the activity? Or is it that you don't want to stay with your colleague?

I think I would be fairly truthful and say that while you appreciate your colleague's kind offer of a room, the distance and money for a meal, drinks and travel is way out of your budget.

Doltontweedle · 27/09/2024 16:13

SauviGone · 27/09/2024 16:09

I wouldn’t go anyway - imagine having to pay hundreds of pounds for dinner, drinks, transport and a hotel to spend time doing an “activity” with the people you are with all day every day at work.

No thanks.

Who took the unilateral decision to take the money which was supposed to be spent on dinner and spent it on an activity instead?

This. What a stupid idea and I’d be surprised if more people weren’t irritated by this. I’d decline to go and state quite simply that you can’t afford the expense and time of doing the activity. They may come to their sense and change it to something else

LadyGabriella · 27/09/2024 16:13

Don’t go to something that you don’t want to. Simple as that

IAmASpoon · 27/09/2024 16:16

I wouldn't be attending a work event 2.5 hours away without food or transport being provided outside of work hours. I suspect you're not the only one reluctant to do so.

Original poster
EllieThirsk · 27/09/2024 16:16

I don't particularly want to do any of it - the travel, the activity, staying at a colleague's, travelling home the next day with a hangover and wasting my Saturday, the cost!

OP posts:
AW24 · 27/09/2024 16:17

Nah! I prob wouldn't be bothered going.

Thfrog · 27/09/2024 16:18

Yeah don't go I think the department should have made a different decision. Cost of living and all. Just say no ta

harrumphh · 27/09/2024 16:18

They should have just given you the money as a bonus instead, or bought you all the same appropriate gift.

Something that ends up costing you more money isn't a gift or a thank you, it's like when companies email you a birthday "gift" that turns out to be a 20% discount off your next order.

Umpteentimesnow · 27/09/2024 16:20

Erm there's no way I'd go to this. I don't even join in the local works outings let alone ones that are far away and cost a lot. I happen to work with these people but don't wish to spend my spare time with them. You are definitely not unreasonable to forget about this night out.

NeedToChangeName · 27/09/2024 16:22

If you said you should go, you should follow through

If you didn't want to go, then you should have said so at the outset

GoldenLegend · 27/09/2024 16:25

I doubt that you are the only person having second thoughts when the cost and logistics sink in. Most people won’t have thought all that through when they agreed to it. I wouldn’t be going.

Sparkletastic · 27/09/2024 16:31

God no! I wouldn't consider going to that for a second.

IlooklikeNigella · 27/09/2024 16:34

I think they have been very unreasonable suggesting this arrangement. It should be something which is all covered by the company budget.

I remember years ago briefly joining a company with a highly unprofessional manager. She hadn't a clue what she was doing and bar me, had surrounded herself with a team of very young inexperienced blokes. I hated working there.

She had just broken up with her fiancé when I joined the team and began organising lots of 'team nights' out. I was told it was important to build morale. She openly disliked me and made no effort to speak to me in work where we could, potentially have built morale.

As I lived and worked in the city anyway and was out regularly I had no big objection to joining in for a quick drink after work before going to my own commitments. I always received criticism but paid no attention. What I found most ridiculous was that she would invite her sister along and get so drunk so fast that any kind of morale building was impossible. She could often not speak or stand up within the first hour.

Just before I announced my departure two 'weekends away' had been announced.

The first was to her home town. The plans were excitedly announced. We were all going to be going on the train. We would all take a half day from our own holiday allowance so we could spend the afternoon drinking ourselves into a stupor then could go out to all her local haunts. We would then stay in her parent's house. I, as the only other woman on this prestigious trip would be sharing a bed with her. This would all be funded by ourselves.

The second trip was a prize for hitting a team target. We were going to a city in Europe, flights paid for. We would have to find the hotels etc ourselves. We were all going to have the time of our lives in the lap dancing clubs.

I contributed absolutely nothing to the plans then when asked directly said "no, I won't be going thank you."

Absolute weirdo.

HelloCheekyCat · 27/09/2024 16:35

We were given money to.spend on a fun treat for the team, ours is during the work day, closer to some people's homes than the office, starts later.than work so we have an.hour to do what we want with & finishes earlier than usual so we have an hour or so free then too. We could probably clAim our mileage back of it is further than the office.
That's an actual treat!! I wouldn't have ever agreed to yours but then it would never have been decided upon either

mynameiscalypso · 27/09/2024 16:36

God no. I don't know anyone who would want to do that. I wouldn't be able to myself because I have a child and I'm sure others feel the same for whatever reason. What a total and utter waste of money that was meant to be used for something nice for you all.

Original poster
EllieThirsk · 27/09/2024 16:45

IlooklikeNigella · 27/09/2024 16:34

I think they have been very unreasonable suggesting this arrangement. It should be something which is all covered by the company budget.

I remember years ago briefly joining a company with a highly unprofessional manager. She hadn't a clue what she was doing and bar me, had surrounded herself with a team of very young inexperienced blokes. I hated working there.

She had just broken up with her fiancé when I joined the team and began organising lots of 'team nights' out. I was told it was important to build morale. She openly disliked me and made no effort to speak to me in work where we could, potentially have built morale.

As I lived and worked in the city anyway and was out regularly I had no big objection to joining in for a quick drink after work before going to my own commitments. I always received criticism but paid no attention. What I found most ridiculous was that she would invite her sister along and get so drunk so fast that any kind of morale building was impossible. She could often not speak or stand up within the first hour.

Just before I announced my departure two 'weekends away' had been announced.

The first was to her home town. The plans were excitedly announced. We were all going to be going on the train. We would all take a half day from our own holiday allowance so we could spend the afternoon drinking ourselves into a stupor then could go out to all her local haunts. We would then stay in her parent's house. I, as the only other woman on this prestigious trip would be sharing a bed with her. This would all be funded by ourselves.

The second trip was a prize for hitting a team target. We were going to a city in Europe, flights paid for. We would have to find the hotels etc ourselves. We were all going to have the time of our lives in the lap dancing clubs.

I contributed absolutely nothing to the plans then when asked directly said "no, I won't be going thank you."

Absolute weirdo.

That is hideous! The brass neck of her!

OP posts:
Original poster
EllieThirsk · 27/09/2024 16:49

It's a bit crap I'll be missing out on the "thank you" because 1 person decided this is what our area was spending the money on because it's what they fancied doing.

OP posts:
MissEsmeWatson · 27/09/2024 17:09

I'd be a bit fed up if I was the employer. They gave money for a nice meal (which was a nice, kind idea) not for someone's idea of a jolly which will cost a lot of time, money and effort.