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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder how to not let people provoke you?

39 replies

OneOpenRedShaker · 27/09/2024 09:42

I often find myself getting provoked by certain comments or behaviours from others, and I’m curious about how to manage my reactions better. How do you all handle situations when someone tries to get a rise out of you? Any strategies or advice for staying calm and not letting others affect your mood?

OP posts:
IntheVicinity · 27/09/2024 09:43

Give an example of the type of situation you mean? Who are these people, for one thing — are they friends or family members, or total strangers?

Blobblobblob · 27/09/2024 09:44

Say nothing. You aren't required to reply when someone is being a dick.

If you must reply, take a long time to think before opening your mouth.

Mysticguru · 27/09/2024 09:44

Usually a bemused look

RocketPanda · 27/09/2024 09:46

Can you give some examples? Are the people deliberately provoking you or are you quick to anger over inconsequential things ?

PollyDactyl · 27/09/2024 09:47

Who is doing the provoking? If family, walk away each time/say I see/ reduce contact times or opportunities for conflict.

Colleagues - again, walk away/I see, decline opportunities to bark back/call them out if you feel able (some assertiveness training might help here)

CocoapuffPuff · 27/09/2024 09:48

I tend to just walk away but that's hard to do at work.
My DH says "remember a clown only performs if he has an audience" so that's the walking away, just quietly with a "must go" look at a watch if necessary. Showing no reaction and no interest is also important. No response at all, none, to statements meant to get a reaction. Knowing that they're actually trying to get the attention helps me to divert my focus elsewhere. If they don't get a reaction, you're no longer fun and they'll bugger off to someone else.

I am, of course, speaking of adult irritants. Kids are different.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 27/09/2024 09:49

I find killing people with kindness works best. My DH says he always knows I loathe someone when I'm being incredibly lovely to them.

eeeeeeeee · 27/09/2024 09:50

Depends on the situation. You’d handle something at work differently than your children for example.

Generally speaking you always come across better by not reacting in anger/shouting/raising your voice. It might be you put a very polite voice on and state you disagree, or you might say “that isn’t appropriate” and walk away or you might want to (politely) say something stronger.

Personally the best thing about living in 2024 is being able to get/deal with some of this conflict in writing and not having to react in the moment. Being able to reflect and then respond.

You can’t control other people but you can control how you react to them, don’t give them the power to piss you off

FifiFalafel · 27/09/2024 09:51

I actively avoid people who think getting a rise out of someone is a good way to go. I mean, what sort of person does that?
Life's much easier and nicer without them in it.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2024 09:53

You just need to realise how limited of a person they are, people who act like this have very little self awareness about how their behavioir reflects on them alone.

Singleandproud · 27/09/2024 09:54

Ah I used to work in a secondary school I'm a pro at this. Learning to not escalate my behaviour when the students were escalated was a real skill.

Take 3 deep breaths and count to 5 before you respond to keep your Nervous System in check. When you do respond do so with a low, slow voice - take your time. Don't let them make you quick and high pitched as you sound out of control. If you need time and space to react calmly give yourself that "I think we need to address this at another time".

Octavia64 · 27/09/2024 09:55

Walk away.

"Sorry I need to just pop to the loo". Sorts most things.

CreationNat1on · 27/09/2024 09:56

From the net:

Dealing with someone who consistently stirs trouble can be challenging. Here are some strategies you might consider:

Stay Calm: Keep your composure when interacting with the person. Responding with anger or frustration can escalate the situation.

Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors you find unacceptable. Let them know the consequences if they continue to engage in disruptive behavior.

Avoid Engagement: If possible, limit your interactions with this person. Sometimes, not responding to provocations can reduce their incentive to stir trouble.

Document Incidents: Keep a record of any troubling interactions. This can be useful if you need to escalate the issue to a supervisor or authority figure.

Focus on Solutions: When conflicts arise, try to steer the conversation towards finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems.

Seek Support: Talk to friends, colleagues, or supervisors about the situation. They may offer advice or intervene if necessary.

Practice Empathy: Try to understand their motivations. Sometimes, people stir trouble due to their own insecurities or frustrations.

Consider Professional Help: If the situation becomes too difficult to handle, consider seeking advice from a counselor or mediator.

Know When to Walk Away: If the person continues to be toxic despite your best efforts, it may be best to distance yourself from them entirely.

By implementing these strategies, you can create a healthier environment for yourself and reduce the impact of their behavior on your life.

Edingril · 27/09/2024 09:57

It just makes more determined to stay calm relaxed and nicer to stick 2 fingers up at them, if they want ro be become hysterical or unreasonable that is on them

ShortyWentLow · 27/09/2024 10:00

I think the most important thing is to not get emotionally invested in what other people think. There must be millions and millions of people this very moment coming out with the most awful tripe. It's not up to you or me to tutor them all in the ways of righteousness. If they want to think a load of bollocks, that's their problem!

When people get outright insulting and rude, killing them with kindness works. Also, try and see the motive behind their comments. Do they really mean their insults or are they just acting out to get a reaction? Are they really stressed and upset? Do they have really low social intelligence? That kind of thing. It can help you intellectualise it and thereby stay impassive.

Although I must say, it's much better mentally to avoid people like that altogether. Some people are poisonous.

Crumpleton · 27/09/2024 10:04

If you have an Instagram/Fcebook account have a look at Jefferson Fishers account.

Chillimuma · 27/09/2024 10:06

Anyone got any tips if it’s your partner/ husband?!

PuppiesLove · 27/09/2024 10:06

The best way to infuriate them is to simply not care and not give them the reaction they are after.

Echobelly · 27/09/2024 10:08

I always think on terms of 'do the opposite to what they want'. If they want you to be angry, be calm, if they want you to be uncomfortable/embarrassed then answer them frankly and then they'll be the ones feeling uncomfortable. If they want you to look silly, give a bland answer or walk away, then they will look silly and so on.

I used to be a very reactive person who cried a lot as a kid, then I realised people would try to make my cry so I decided I wouldn't give them what they wanted.

pastlives · 27/09/2024 10:09

It doesn’t sound very nice, but you need to muster a sense of superiority, to some extent. “Rise above it”. If a toddler screamed at you, you wouldn’t take it to heart would you? You would maybe empathise they they are feeling tired and grouchy and not give what they said a second thought. Same with mean/ angry people. “Graham must be having a bad day, huh. I must’ve pushed his buttons. I’ll give him space to calm down.” It’s attributing what they do or say as being more about them than about you.

Obviously if they are justified in what they say, you may need to reflect on that.

StarSwooshSpangles · 27/09/2024 10:24

If someone is shouting at you at work just say " I will give you time to calm down " and walk away .

If someone is rude "what do you mean . I don't understand ? " It makes them repeat themselves and usually takes the wind out of their sales and or fake ignorance . " I don't know what you mean "
Is a good answer and keep repeating it if they try to be rude again .

If someone brings something up something embarrassing about your past or childhood then " I think you have me mixed up
With someone else , sorry not me " and keep denying.

Someone you know is rude to you in public , shouts at you , then just ignore them , keep moving or look around to see who they are talking to 😂

Or a simple "Excuse me do I know you ?" If you can't get away immediately. I did this years ago to a boy I knew who announced on a bus that I was a Slag . It took the wind out of his sails and made HIM look like a fool .

PollyDactyl · 27/09/2024 10:25

Chillimuma · 27/09/2024 10:06

Anyone got any tips if it’s your partner/ husband?!

Ah.

What does he get from inducing a reaction from you? Once you've worked that out you'll be clearer on how to stop this.

Eg if he's tying you up with verbal trickery and taking your energy in that direction, what does he want to divert you from? If you're constantly confused and baffled by him, you're not thinking about what the relationship brings to you, you haven't got time.

Other more eloquent posters will be along to help you I am sure.

greenwoodentablelegs · 27/09/2024 10:28

I take it as a compliment that the person is TRYING to wind me up. It shows me that they care about what I am doing so much they have invested in trying to bug me. I see it as them giving me power.

Marinade · 27/09/2024 10:32

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 27/09/2024 09:49

I find killing people with kindness works best. My DH says he always knows I loathe someone when I'm being incredibly lovely to them.

What an unusual and incongruous way to live one's life.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 27/09/2024 10:39

@Marinade why thank you darling, I do so love to go against the grain and provide people with someone to talk about 😘

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