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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting DH to choose to work late.

45 replies

MoaningMeowing · 27/09/2024 00:26

DD (11 months) is in the middle of teething, and being exhausted is making me make a mountain out of a mole hill with everything.

There’s one thing that has always bugged me with DH since having DD and it came up in conversation again tonight.

DH chooses to start work (remotely) at 9:30am which means he finishes at 6:30. As he said again tonight, he’d rather have an extra hour in bed in the morning and not have to get up ‘early’ (he gets up around 9am).

Once a week I’ll probably elbow him to get up with DD if I’ve had a bad night (she’s EFB therefore I always do the night wake ups). At the weekend we take turns to have a lie in, he also does his fair share at the weekends too.

However in the week, it’s just all very rushed and I feel like I do everything.

I usually get up with DD at 8am, spend all day with her, we all sit down for dinner at around 7 (he’ll play with her whilst I dish up), we all eat, then either I’ll put her in the bath or he’ll put her (couple of times a week) in PJs then I’ll settle her for bed. He does clear up downstairs whilst I’m doing bed, or sometimes he keeps us company.

She’s really bad at napping and with her teeth she’s constantly waking during the evening/night. By the time we/I get to relax in the it’s gone 9, and I’m usually asleep by 10. I’m also getting in the bad routine of falling asleep whilst settling her. I’m starting to struggle with this as it means I’m getting zero breaks from DD/downtime.

He’ll often offer to take her out after he finishes work to give me a break but she’s just too tired. Same with going out for dinner, it’s just too late for her.

His colleague starts work at 8am and finishes at 4:30.

AIBU to think that waking up at 7:45 isn’t too early? If anything clocking off at 6:30 is inconvenient for family life?

He’s also out of the house for two evenings a week.

OP posts:
Anisty · 27/09/2024 00:39

Yes this is very annoying. And, even more annoying, when your kids are grown and gone and you are actually looking forward to some peaceful time in your house by yourself, your DH will be there all the time!!

My DH used to leave for work about 6am when our kids were little and return about 7pm, just in time to tuck them in!

I am sure it's an avoidance thing but will be interested to see what others think. My DH even went through a spell of working on Sundays too. He only started to be around more as the kids got older.

Now most of them have left - he is here all the time.

I think it was the noise and clutter he could not stand. It just gave him a headache!

You have my every sympathy but my guess is that lots of men are like this.

Olika · 27/09/2024 00:46

What did your DH say when you brought this up in the convo tonight?

Skyrainlight · 27/09/2024 07:38

You are not being unreasonable. He has designed his day for his comfort and to allow you to do most of the work. It's not ok.

Original poster
MoaningMeowing · 27/09/2024 09:43

Just that he doesn’t like/want to wake up earlier than he has to.

I said that we could have more of a normal dinner time and he said that we do.

I think I already know I’m not being unreasonable. I know plenty of dads that get up with their kids before work. He basically gets a lie in every day unless I wake him to get up with her.

If he finished work at 4:30 there’s still time to do something in the evening. If we do anything in the evening now DD gets cranky and doesn’t go to bed until even later.

OP posts:
Blobblobblob · 27/09/2024 09:46

Ask him why he's actively avoiding his child. Because that's what it is.

Woahtherehoney · 27/09/2024 09:55

Blobblobblob · 27/09/2024 09:46

Ask him why he's actively avoiding his child. Because that's what it is.

It doesn’t sound to me like he is avoiding her as sounds like he still does plenty with her at weekends and in the evenings occasionally?

Can he mix it up in the week so he does a few earlier starts and a few later ones? Or does it have to be all or nothing? That way he can balance his week with a few lie ins but then you get a few as well?

Are you working OP? How will this affect you if you do go back to work?

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 27/09/2024 09:58

Who as a parent gets to sleep until 9am every day! He's taking the proverbial.
8:30-5 would be a perfectly normal working day and even then getting up sat 8 with a young child is a luxury

Blahblahblah2 · 27/09/2024 09:58

Waking up at 9am when you have a small child is absolutely ridiculous. How much sleep does he need?!

Claloulat · 27/09/2024 09:59

Let it backfire on him. Tell him you're glad to have more help in the morning. Plonk the little one on his chest and have him swap the extra time he planned to sleep with parenting. Have a leisurely breakfast or extra long shower while he's up changing nappies and entertaining the baby.

Blahblahblah2 · 27/09/2024 10:00

I don't understand why you take turns to have a lie-in at the weekend when he gets a lie-in every weekday??

hettie · 27/09/2024 10:01

He's being utterly, utterly unreasonable and selfish. He can't make a unilateral decision on something that impacts the whole family because he prefers it! How would it work if you said .."actually I prefer not EBF or getting up in the night, so dh over to you for all feeding/night wakings"
I mean come on... He made a human too, he needs to change his wants/needs to take into account his child wants/needs (and yours). It's not just about him any more. Assuming he went into this willingly and it's a shared endeavour he has to share in the extra work and disruption that looking after a whole other person brings. It's both of your jobs to parent. He's not helping, it's not your 'job'. Even if you're sahm that should only (in terms of equitability) be 9-5 after that it's both of you together... Otherwise you're working a 80 hour week to his 40.. If you can't calmly problem solve this with him, find a qualified couples therapist to help you navigate your new roles and expectations as parents....

BrainLife · 27/09/2024 10:02

I don't know many adults even without kids who get up as late as 9!

GreatMistakes · 27/09/2024 10:04

MoaningMeowing · 27/09/2024 09:43

Just that he doesn’t like/want to wake up earlier than he has to.

I said that we could have more of a normal dinner time and he said that we do.

I think I already know I’m not being unreasonable. I know plenty of dads that get up with their kids before work. He basically gets a lie in every day unless I wake him to get up with her.

If he finished work at 4:30 there’s still time to do something in the evening. If we do anything in the evening now DD gets cranky and doesn’t go to bed until even later.

He's taking the fucking piss.

He works from home in a desk job, as a minimum he needs to be getting up and mucking in at the same time as yu and the baby, not lazing in bed..what's his justification? Tell me it isn't because "he works".

Given his job is basically a 9-5 office job with flexi hours, he also ought to be doing half the nights and thinking about giving you a break in the day when he takes his lunch.

TheSandgroper · 27/09/2024 10:05

Throw him baby, books and a noisy toy every morning then shut yourself in the bathroom. Playtime is best done when baby is happy to play.

GreatMistakes · 27/09/2024 10:05

And put ofninterest, of he is sleeping in til 9am 5 days a week, what time is your lie in at the weekend?

blueberrycherubandbump · 27/09/2024 10:08

Pick DD up, take her into the bedroom at 8am and then take yourself off downstairs for a coffee.

Why do you do every bath time? I can understand bedtimes if you feed them to sleep. Also assuming that his "work schedule" helps him avoid planning and making dinner too?

Very selfish and if he can't see that then you have bigger problems.

CatGuardian · 27/09/2024 10:12

So if he works till 6.30 and you eat at 7 I'd guess you're cooking dinner every night too? The things he does are minimal. What about laundry? Is his job so all consuming he can't put a load of washing on during the day? Or take the baby for half an hour while you get a break?

blueberrycherubandbump · 27/09/2024 10:13

Also if you're planning to go back to work consider how this will impact you. Running round like a headless chicken and managing a toddler and drop offs are tough for just one person. Best to get into a good routine now

Justploddingonandon · 27/09/2024 10:20

Apart from anything else, once baby gets older and naps less you'll struggle to get her to stay up to eat at 7, especially if she needs to be up in the morning for school or nursery. My DH gets home at 7, partly due to a long commute, and partly as he can't get in earlier due to dropping DD to the childminder. On days DD doesn't eat at the childminder's DH doesn't eat with us ( I usually leave him a portion) as it's still too late for her ( she's 9). This does mean I do most the evening stuff but DH deals with most the mornings.

Tiswa · 27/09/2024 10:24

MoaningMeowing · 27/09/2024 09:43

Just that he doesn’t like/want to wake up earlier than he has to.

I said that we could have more of a normal dinner time and he said that we do.

I think I already know I’m not being unreasonable. I know plenty of dads that get up with their kids before work. He basically gets a lie in every day unless I wake him to get up with her.

If he finished work at 4:30 there’s still time to do something in the evening. If we do anything in the evening now DD gets cranky and doesn’t go to bed until even later.

Have you pointed out the effect of him doing so on you and they actually for the family he does need to start and finish earlier

otherwise he is being selfish

Butterflyfern · 27/09/2024 10:24

Like pp, I'd tell him that if he can't help with his child in the evenings because of work, then he can be the one getting up with her at eight. So he gets to spend some time with her through the week.

Topjoe19 · 27/09/2024 10:26

YANBU, this would drive me insane. Totally unfair.

I would tell him its unsustainable. Plus it will have to change anyway as babies don't stay babies forever - as pp said dinner time will most definitely change once nursery/school starts & he will need to do nursery/ school runs as well when you go back to work (if you are planning to).

RaspberryBeretxx · 27/09/2024 10:26

Yanbu. He would rather not have to get up till he “has to” but you don’t have that luxury. He only “doesn’t have to” because you DO have to!

this would make me want to go back to work even if not the original plan to get a better balance and so he deals with dd some mornings. The resentment at him having a daily lie in till 9am would be too much.

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/09/2024 10:28

GreatMistakes · 27/09/2024 10:04

He's taking the fucking piss.

He works from home in a desk job, as a minimum he needs to be getting up and mucking in at the same time as yu and the baby, not lazing in bed..what's his justification? Tell me it isn't because "he works".

Given his job is basically a 9-5 office job with flexi hours, he also ought to be doing half the nights and thinking about giving you a break in the day when he takes his lunch.

Show quote history

But surely it is because 'he works'... he just happens to do it from home. OP's job is to do the bulk of the childcare during the week while he is at work. Then, at weekends, as OP says, he does help out.

There's a misconception that people working from home are at home. They're not, they're at work!

GreatMistakes · 27/09/2024 10:39

Jumpingthruhoops · 27/09/2024 10:28

But surely it is because 'he works'... he just happens to do it from home. OP's job is to do the bulk of the childcare during the week while he is at work. Then, at weekends, as OP says, he does help out.

There's a misconception that people working from home are at home. They're not, they're at work!

Show quote history

I have flexible hours and work from home too.

Is it OK for me to start at 10am and finish at 7pm because I can and expect dh to do mornings and bedtime? How is it different?

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