Not wanting DH to choose to work late.

[MoaningMeowing]

DD (11 months) is in the middle of teething, and being exhausted is making me make a mountain out of a mole hill with everything.

There’s one thing that has always bugged me with DH since having DD and it came up in conversation again tonight.

DH chooses to start work (remotely) at 9:30am which means he finishes at 6:30. As he said again tonight, he’d rather have an extra hour in bed in the morning and not have to get up ‘early’ (he gets up around 9am).

Once a week I’ll probably elbow him to get up with DD if I’ve had a bad night (she’s EFB therefore I always do the night wake ups). At the weekend we take turns to have a lie in, he also does his fair share at the weekends too.

However in the week, it’s just all very rushed and I feel like I do everything.

I usually get up with DD at 8am, spend all day with her, we all sit down for dinner at around 7 (he’ll play with her whilst I dish up), we all eat, then either I’ll put her in the bath or he’ll put her (couple of times a week) in PJs then I’ll settle her for bed. He does clear up downstairs whilst I’m doing bed, or sometimes he keeps us company.

She’s really bad at napping and with her teeth she’s constantly waking during the evening/night. By the time we/I get to relax in the it’s gone 9, and I’m usually asleep by 10. I’m also getting in the bad routine of falling asleep whilst settling her. I’m starting to struggle with this as it means I’m getting zero breaks from DD/downtime.

He’ll often offer to take her out after he finishes work to give me a break but she’s just too tired. Same with going out for dinner, it’s just too late for her.

His colleague starts work at 8am and finishes at 4:30.

AIBU to think that waking up at 7:45 isn’t too early? If anything clocking off at 6:30 is inconvenient for family life?

He’s also out of the house for two evenings a week.

Yeah, while he is working she os on childcare, not while he is lazing in bed til 9am. He can be up, seeing jis child doing some laundry. All things me and DH both manage to do with children and working full time.

To me the working person does what they decide they need to in order to work, if both working then they have to work it out between them

Yes if this was reversed the replies would be different

I think it’s rediculous that a grown man can’t work before 9.30am. @MoaningMeowing he is very selfish .
As others have said this is about his wants and actually not the family needs .
what time does he go to bed it must be late or he gets an awful lot of sleep .
OP Time to tell him things are changing

This is my other bug bear…

It isn’t unusual for him to be watching TV at 1am.

I am painting him in an awful light here. Once a week he’ll be on the late shift (not flexible) which finishes at 10pm.

One evening a week he’ll be out doing his hobby/volunteering and every other Saturday afternoon.

He’s always been a night owl/late riser.

When he gets up with DD at 8am you’d think he’s getting up at 4:30am.

Boo hoo so sad for him. My DH is also a night owl & would love to watch movies/sports til 1am but we have young DC so he goes to bed early & gets up with them. It's not forever, at some point they'll be teenagers & we can all lie in!

I can see why you feel as you do OP. He has to just suck it up.

FFS it gets worse.

You're not painting him in a bad light at all.

This is who he is.

A man who avoids his responsibilities by putting his 'me time' until 1am and again until 9am before you and his child.

OP, I’m a night owl but guess what - since having my DC I go to sleep early and get up early. And my eldest is 20 🙄. I can revert to
my preference when my DC have finished school!
I cannot believe that your DH gets a lie in every morning until 9 and yet he still expects you to ‘share’ the lie ins at the weekend!!!

Just that he doesn’t like/want to wake up earlier than he has to.

Well wouldn't we all? I wouldn't accept this in my relationship. Not one bit.

I wonder if he will be more willing once the clocks go back and it is dark earlier in the evening?

my favourite bit is that he has a lie in at the weekend. what a piss taker

Start going to the gym at 8am. ‘I’ll be back by 9.30am sweetheart’. Will you be returning to work any time soon? If so he’s already got it set up that he just doesn’t do any parenting. Will that change when you go back? I doubt it tbh. You’re not being unreasonable. Another man who doesn’t see why his leisure time should change when he has children.

His hobby! Volunteering! These are things people do when they have more than enough spare time.

What's your hobby, OP? When do you volunteer? Oh yeah. You're busy picking up the slack for him.

This is clearly unfair. Don't let it go on.

If he didn't want to get up earlier than he has to, maybe he shouldn't have had a baby

I’m a night owl but l have to suck up taking it in turns up get up with our young children. Your husband sounds immature and selfish. Everyone’s lives change when they have children, it’s just one of those things

OFGS... I'm a natural night owl too. But I'm not a selfish arse so because my children woke from around 6 dh and I would take it in turns to get up with them irrispective of who was working outside the home/making money working to raise the children.
I'd come down with some emergency disease that required a week at my parents if I were you

What’s he going to do when she’s a toddler who likes to wake at 5/6am? 🙄 Kids naturally need more sleep so go to bed earlier and wake earlier!

So is your DH a stay at home dad then? If he is, then of course that would be fair - that's his job! You're presumably WFH in paid employment? So that's your job.

Unless of course you are both in paid employment, in which case, you would then both split childcare/chores equally.

But you've just said it yourself - you are BOTH working full time! So if you're doing that 50/50, you do childcare/chores/everything else 50/50 too!

As I understand it, OP is on maternity leave; literally leave granted from work in order to care for your child.
So parenting is currently OP's main job, while her DH's main job is his paid employment.
Those are their roles currently within the partnership. Once OP returns to work, that's when the balance is redressed.

Parenting during his working hours, fine. Whats he going to do when she goes back to work? Stay up gaming and sleeping in? It's total bollocks.

On maternity, my husband and I did shifts. He was on for wake ups til midnight while I slept and I did midnight til 6. 6am he got up and got ready for work, took baby for breakfast while i got up and showered or napped of it was a rough night. We were in it together.

Sounds like the ideal scenario - glad it worked for you. OP's DH evidently sees them as having more clearly defined roles.