Horrible dread of children growing up and what they might go through

[Suddenfeelingofsadness]

Wonder if anyone can relate.
It feels to me as if my DC's were little for so long. I felt like they were dependent and time consuming and not sleeping for so long. I spent a lot of it in survival mode. Now they are 10 and 8 and it suddenly doesn't seem long until they're teenagers.
I've never been one of those nostalgic for toddlers and baby people. But I'm so aware of the horror of what's to come and the era they're growing up in.
My DD is already being bullied. She is autistic and likely to struggle in school forever. She is also beautiful and very trusting. Super vulnerable as she takes everyone at their word. I feel like she's going to be taken advantage of and I won't be there to stop it. I've tried social stories to help her but they don't seem to go in or they overwhelm her.

My son is so precious and kind right now but as a single mum and him being male I feel so scared of what's to come. My friend has just caught her 12 year old son wanking over some really disgusting porn (not your average) and I just couldn't cope with that. The thought of him being turned on by something abhorrent. I know there's filters and blockers you can get but it can still be found. Something about it just made me so sad, he is a child.
I just keep getting periods of despair about what they'll go through and selfishly what
I'll go through. It feels so bleak.

You just need to take it as it comes, keep things in proportion and make sure you give your children the appropriate education around these things. We can't protect them from everything, but we can prepare them.

I do know what you mean. It's like a kind of feeling of grief for simpler times when they were little and you could protect them more easily.

One of the best things we can do for our kids atm is delay smartphones. They are really destroying this generations childhoods. Bullying, toxic social media, porn, violence, addiction. Just so, so damaging for children and young teens mental health.

Your feelings are your feelings, but, speaking as the eldest child of a catastrophising mother, please don’t burden your children with them. I’ve dealt with bullying, serious medical diagnoses, post-partum psychosis, unemployment without telling my parents because I then have to manage their fears as well as my own, and it’s easier to cope alone.

I do understand your fears. We have a teenage boy, also ND.

The number one thing more than anything that makes this so difficult is phones and the internet. It's social isolation without a phone to some extent so we just allow WhatsApp. But it's a constant battle when every other kid has all the SMedia apps.
The porn your friends kid watched was probably via some app. This is not the first I've heard of this scenario.

It's just a nightmare but my advice is to be strong on the phone thing and access to apps / internet.

DD may find commonality at secondary. There are so so many ND kids in mainstream now, she will not be alone in that. There will be much greater choice of friends, interests and she can move to different classes without dealing with the same people. There's alot of positive in this for many ND kids.

Thank you all, I do hope to stay strong on the no phones. I did ban YouTube but I think I will try to stop again as they both watch things I don't like on there. It has a real noticeable impact on their speech, mood, attention span.

I know what you mean OP. It's so sad to think we live in a world where people behave in horrible ways that mean we can pretty much guarantee our children pain, suffering and trauma.

My kid is only 7 but I get where you're coming from. They've been discussing in class about the possibility of banning smartphones for kids and I'm pleased to say he is one of about half the class who are in favour of a ban. He does know I'm against smartphones for children and that he won't be having one.

as much as you might want to protect your children, banning smart phones is not the answer.

They will find the information they seek through their friends, computers for homework etc.

Smart phones are not the devil you seek to protect your children from, you need to educate your children so that they know what is and isn't harmful to them and then pray you have done enough.

It is difficult, but making smart phones inaccessible will just make them all the more desirable

That's contrary to all the evidence about literally anything else that's bad for us.... letting kids have alcohol early for instance. Early exposure is always detrimental at population level.

It's also child dependent. My ND 10 year old has no impulse control. She also can't make sense of what she see's. She saw a picture of a dead dog and cried for a week.

Excellent first reply

I don't understand your feelings at all. How about all the wonderful things that await them? Finding love! Travelling! Finding a job they feel great at!
I don't know if I'm being extremely naive or else, but I was thinking the polar opposite of my toddlers the other day. About how happy I am to be able to offer them this life, how excited I was to see them become their own person and launch into the world.

Ok @FunnysInLaJardin . There is rapidly growing evidence suggesting otherwise. Sorry, don't agree it comes down to teaching them to use phones responsibly. We shouldn't be putting children in that position in the first place. Even what we might view as relatively harmless, has negative impacts. We need to stop treating children as mini adults.

You can't stop them growing up but you can put good basics in place.

Talk to your dcs about things in an age-appropriate way. Ban social media until they are 13. Limit internet access and ensure all screens are kept downstairs so 'communal viewing'.

Teach them good values, pull them up on it if they cross your red lines, and lead by example.

They'll be fine.

@Sorrelia do you have toddlers? I think it gets harder. At 3 my daughter was a smiling, happy, friendly, talented little wild child of fun and excitement. Now, she has quickly worked out that the world isn't for her, as an autistic girl. She is behind at school. She has no friends, she's being bullied for being a child (liking soft toys, drawing, Bluey). Then she's in secondary school soon. Where I know she won't cope. It's hard to feel positive. I know she'll do some incredible things and I really am proud of her but the world is so hard to those who don't fit in. She can't mask, she can't work out how to act. I'm not sure she'll ever live independently or be able to work. It's hard to stay optimistic. When she was 3 I thought she could do anything.

@Suddenfeelingofsadness I think your greatest fears relate to your daughter and her being ND.

I really cannot stress enough how many Autistic and ADHD kids she will encounter in Secondary school.
My child on starting secondary ( also ND), spotted approximately 5 in his tutor. ( Radar for each other 😆).
I think you need to cons the possibility there may be advantages at Secondary. I imagine she's bright? Secondary will provide more for that desire for knowledge.
Hopefully you will have handover arranged with the secondary she goes to whereby you can ask for all support available from SENCO.

I feel that your feelings on this will pass onto her. Talk to her about all the above. We had these chats before starting secondary. A SENCO told me all this and it turns out to be true. Yes it will be a challenge but think on the above. More people, more choice, less you're stuck with bullies all day in one small environment.

Yes toddlers. I understand, sorry I didn't mean to be inconsiderate

I agree with @Sorrelia and @Meadowfinch .
Mine are now young adults, so I am at the other end of the journey from Sorrelia, and yes, I still agree with her.

I do think it is very likely the fact your dd has autism gives you a different view, but I don't think all parents should have such negative feelings to their dc growing up.

@Sorrelia you aren't insensitive at all, I just wanted to explain that I haven't always felt this way, I am a very positive person generally. Life just gets you down.
My daughter is about four years behind developmentally and academically. This could be through crippling low self esteem or something else. No one knows. I'm trying hard to see secondary as a fresh start but worry that she'll still be so young for her age. I don't know how children like her cope, it would be like putting a year 3 into year 7.

I hear you. I have four young adults now, all diverse.

Keep close connections with them as children (and adults).
Always be available so they can chat.
Make space to do activities together that are low demands, bake biscuits, pick blackberries, laugh at a cartoon together.

Practice by modelling. Gently challenge and guide. Look at trauma informed parenting, as most neuro diverse children experience trauma especially at school.

It's a hard journey with neuro diverse children but it is possible to raise free thinking, independent adults that can come to you with any issues without fear of judgment.

@protectthesmallones thank you, that's reassuring and helpful. I hope to go part time when they're in secondary school.

@Suddenfeelingofsadness that's really difficult. Your fears are understandable if your daughter is struggling alot academically and emotionally.

It will be on the school to make it work and accommodate the need. An EHCP sounds important here.

I know there are varying levels of need in many mainstream schools.They are learning to adapt to this as the schools have kind of been forced to.
Can you start having conversations now with secondary schools so you feel you have some control here. The unknown is frightening and you're feeling in the dark.

I mean this kindly and with empathy as I’ve been here myself, but get yourself some therapy so you can help your children through it without them picking up your fear and negativity.

@fairfat40 the silly thing is that I'm not like this, I never let it show. I'm not overly cautious. I'm resilient. But do you know when you just read so many troubling things and hear so much, and it makes it difficult to remain optimistic? It's just kind of hit me all today.

@Tittat50 thank you, I'm going to start the conversations early. She has an EHCP. I don't know what to look for though, apart from a small setting. They say she won't meet the criteria for a specialist school.