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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to shout at someone elses ds in a soft play area if parents arn't there watching him and he ....

80 replies

bogie · 21/04/2008 17:42

Is laying on the cargo net on the top floor of the soft play spitting on the toddlers below in the under 5's bit???

I really made him cry but that was because I said I was going to find his mum to tell her not because i told him off.
I don't think iabu I think he got off lightly if he had spat on my ds I would have lost it a bit I think.

OP posts:

nametaken · 21/04/2008 21:23

HairyToe (ewwww) your response was perfect IMO. Yes to a telling off in a stern voice, especially if someone's about to get hurt.

What I mildly object to is that fact that the sort of nasty little boy who lies on the mat spitting at everyone underneath him more than likely comes from the sort of home where he is shouted at, sworn at, wholloped and abused on a regular basis.

WE are the adults - we have to set an example to the children. If you shout, you have lost control of your temper (unless you shout in urgency such as DON'T CROSS THE ROAD, thats a different sort of shout)

Whatever happened to asking nicely?

slim22 · 21/04/2008 21:26

YANBU
9 years old FFS! I'm with Edam on this.

Kimi · 21/04/2008 21:30

When I was a child if an adult told you off then you knew you were in the wrong, in todays hug a hoodie world firstly if you tell a child off you are being unkind as the child must have a poor home life, SN or issues, (I have a SN child who has tourettes and so sometimes is not fully in control of movements or words but he has to take responsibility for his actions and sometimes I do have to explain his condition but it is never used as an excuse, he can be a shit as much as the next person but I will pull him up on it)

Or you tell a child off and get a fuck off in reply or worse.

When I was growing up we had a local bobby called Malcome who was known for getting you by the ear and taking you home if you were playing up, can you imagine that today

nametaken · 21/04/2008 21:31

OMG!!! Sorry - I thought you said under 5 and I see now he was 9 or 10. In that case YANBU.

Divastrop · 21/04/2008 21:33

YANBU.very brave though.

i avoid the soft play place here as its horrible,but we went to an open farm last month which had a soft play area.it had signs up saying 'if your child does xyz they will be told off'.the owner told ds2(4.9)off for screaming.i was glad,because he wasnt listening to me!

kimi-can you come and sort out the kids in my street please?

Kimi · 21/04/2008 21:36

On my way diva

HairyToe · 21/04/2008 21:40

Divastrop - yes my DDs got told off in the health food shop by the owner for running around. She said to me as I paid "I hope you don't mind sometimes they're more likely to listen to someone other than their parent" so true and I didn't mind at all.

PosieParker · 21/04/2008 21:48

ht, that seems fine. I think people object to shouting.

HairyToe · 21/04/2008 21:52

Yes I can see what you mean - if someone was yelling at my DDs I'd be a bit put out. But then I try not to 'shout' at them myself (at least not in public! ) so would be shocked at someone else doing it. And I'm a lot more calm and polite when requesting that other people's children toe the line.

mshadowsisfab · 21/04/2008 22:15

yanbu
ant 9 or 10 he soooooooo new he was being naughty, well done.

justwaterformethanks · 22/04/2008 12:16

YANBU at all ,one little bit . What is wrong with a society that now seems to think that children have more rights than adults? If it had been me lying on the cargo net ,spitting on your children i very much doubt any of you would of asked politely for me to stop. Children arnt a different species FGS and being reprimanded by someone other than their parent isnt going to traumatise them for life. When i was in primary school i got smacked twice ,deservedly so, have i turned into a violent criminal ,nope ,not so much as a pont on my driving licence. Would i be angry if someone shouted at my child for misbehaving or doing something dangerous ,not at all. Infact if someone else did see it necessary to chastise my kids ,they would be doubly punished !

BellaDonna79 · 22/04/2008 18:23

Captain Karvol, yes my DD is fine now but it was just so horrible, and exacerbated by the fact that I just felt so guilty, if I had had the guts to shout at this child my daughter would not have been hurt, as it was she was quite ill for a while and is still (rightly so) terrified of soft play style places and loud, agressive children all because I was afraid of being shouted at by the child's mother/judged for objecting to his behaviour because of his SN. (surely though even if he did actually have a problem his mother could have found a safer way for him to release his energy?)

quint · 22/04/2008 21:10

Going back to the SN thing, does anyone else feel it unfair on children who actually have SN that it is assumed that every child who is accused of being naughty must have SN, therefore all children with SN must be naughty?

ratbunny · 22/04/2008 21:25

yanbu.
Just like OverMYDeadBody, I am a primary teacher and so automatically want to tell off naughty children! (I often have to bite my tongue though!)

Spitting is disgusting, and if the parents arent around then yes, you were right to tell him off. (but not to shout, but it doesnt sound like you did). He has to learn that it is unacceptable behaviour.

We went to a soft play area ages ago, and there were a group of 8 year olds messing about and being rough in the baby bit. I nudged (6ft) dh to ask them to go into their own bit, but they ignored him. Primary-teacher-mode kicked in, and I (5ft) walked purposefully op to the them and said 'excuse me. I dont think you should be in this bit should you, it's for babies. Your bit is over there' , and I waited by them until they skulked off. Their parents were watching, but werent doing anything, but they STILL can't push each other about in the baby area.

But if the parents arent watching they def need to be told by someone. imo

1dilemma · 22/04/2008 21:25

I do feel it a bit unreasonable that anytime anyone does anythingthey are howled down by 'the might have special needs' chant. I can vividly remember SN being used to justify feeding a child crisps on some occasion such as breakfast on here once!

I'm now going to get completely howled down for posting that I'm sure but I've had such a bad day I can take it.......

ratbunny · 22/04/2008 21:26

just read op - did you really shout?

ratbunny · 22/04/2008 21:27

Should have been RE-read op.
that'll teach me for mnetting while on the phone

Tallie11 · 22/04/2008 21:28

Bella Donna, I was honestly speechless when I read what happened to your DD. I'm so glad she's okay now.
I've been invited to a soft play area party on Fri, but I shall be clinging on to my one year old DD for dear life..... have a coffee , make my excuses and leave.

Tallie xx

handlemecarefully · 22/04/2008 21:29

I think it is reasonable to tell the child directly and quite firmly that this is unacceptable - but I don't think shouting is the way to go!

KerryMum · 22/04/2008 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ripeberry · 22/04/2008 21:44

I'm always ready to tell other kids off if they are being nasty to my DDs or other smaller kids.
Most of them do listen and say sorry but i know one day i'm going to meet up with Psyco mum, who thinks her child is NEVER naughty.
But it does peeve me off when bigger kids 10-11yrs old go into areas reserved for small kids 5yrs or less.
I usually say sarcastically, can't you read?

Ripeberry · 22/04/2008 21:48

I'm also reminded of our Welsh language teacher that we had at my old school.
He never had problems in his class, never had to raise his voice.
He just got hold of kids ears and twisted them whilst talking very slowly and quietly in their ear.
They never played up again.
We also had a mad music teacher who got so fed up with a pupil that he hung the child out of the window by his ankles, but of course he was sacked on the spot!
My french teacher used to hit us with a ruler on the knuckles if we got a verb wrong, no wonder some of us hated French and this was in the 1980's.
Now it's all gone too far the other way.

paros · 22/04/2008 21:50

I find I can be alot scarier if I am looking them strait in the eye and using a calm voice when I am telling them not to do it . But having said that I have really gone to town on an older child when he was being vicious (sp) to other children mine included at a soft play centre .

ratbunny · 22/04/2008 21:55

yes paros - if you are calm and tell them, they kind of assume you are an authority I think.
If you shout and lose it a bit, you probably look a bit funny to them, and they probably will wind you up for the sheer hell of it.

That was a lesson I learnt in my first week of teaching!

kitbit · 23/04/2008 07:48

I have developed a "soft play" voice, about 2 octaves loiwer than my normal voice and very scary. It it used to bellow "WHOSE child is THIS???". Have rescued ds with this voice a few tmes now! If the parents are not around or taking no notice, I'd definitely step in and sort it out. As long as you do it fairly it's OK, saw one woman helping her small daughter to mug the other kids of some foam letters last time, definitely NOT OK!

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