To think that being ‘too nice’ can sometimes be a form of manipulation?

[LemonWasp]

I’ve encountered people who are excessively nice, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s a tactic to manipulate others. AIBU to think that being overly nice can be insincere?

Depends what you mean I suppose, who are they manipulating? You by making you feel you’ll owe them or other people by using helping you to appear nice to others?

We have a friend who’s excessively helpful to people but it’s often at his wife’s expense so he’ll sign them up to help someone do something she’ll hate but because he’s offered she doesn’t want to look mean and back out. He’ll invite people to stay but she’ll end up doing all the shit work before and after. It’s a grim marriage tbh, she’s awful to him in other ways. His reputation for being Mr Nice Guy is a sort of a joke and he really is very helpful in many ways but it’s a job ti make sure he’s not shafting her at the same time.

That might not be relevant to your question at all.

Absolutely it can. It's called "lovebombing".

‘Killing with kindness’.

Absolutely.

People who are overly nice always set my spidey senses tingling.

I've never yet met anyone who is overly nice publicly but wouldn't stab you in the back behind closed doors in a heartbeat.

I don't trust people that are too nice.

It isn't normal.

Charm is a manipulation / influencing tactic if that’s what you mean

Yes but only to the extent that almost all behaviours are a kind of manipulation. Humans are social creatures and use their own behaviours to influence those around them.

But that’s not the same as employing manipulative behaviours.

I've met people who will bend over backwards to help and are very kind people. I've known people who are people pleasers and have a compulsive need to put themselves out for people. I've also known people who come across as nice but would easily stab you in the back.

My teachers told me never to use the word 'nice'.

Yes perma-smile niceness always hides something. That’s why it’s a trope in horror films. It’s not always bad though - sometimes it’s people-pleasing or insecurity.

I don’t trust it though, because humans are complex and if someone is permanently ‘nice’ then they’re not being real and authentic - you’re just talking to their mask. I prefer people to be themselves, warts and all.

Of course

It's a tactic

I think all behaviour is adaptive, in that even if it's not planned that way, it tends to be a way of trying to get what we want / to feel safe / whatever it is that we need. Even behaviour that seems selfless or self-destructive, like always putting others first regardless of the cost, probably fulfils the person's needs in some way.

I don't think that means niceness tends to be a deliberate attempt to manipulate. However, it is certainly more difficult to be rude to a nice person, to reject them or to turn down their requests.

I think that niceness deliberately calculated to be manipulative tends to feel a bit different and is what I see as pretty sinister. After all, a lot of salesmanship is based on exploiting the principle of reciprocity.

People pleasing is actually a form of (passive) aggressive control - an attempt to disarm the other person and prevent them from experiencing and displaying any natural negative responses like anger. Being "too nice" can also be a form of reaction formation - a Freudian defence mechanism involving a kind of overcompensation to hide strong underlying feelings of hostility.

My MIL is like this. I think she needs to feel like she is a good person and she often wants to take the moral high ground.

I find her insincere.

I’m on the fence here. I have met genuinely really lovely salt of the earth types of people who are just that personality who wouldn’t even dream of manipulating people in any way, shape or form.

I have also met people who are so overly friendly and sickly sweet who have turned out to be poisonous bullies of the most untrustworthy nature you could wish to meet.

I think the difference is in my experience at least with the latter types although they come across as though butter wouldn’t melt but fundamentally they have controlling tendencies which manifest in an unhealthy obsession over other peoples lives and what they should do with them who can’t help but given their unsolicited opinions because “they’re so honest and truthful and care so so much”. They also like you tell you all things they do/have done for people. Eventually this sort of behaviour slips out through their act. You also have typical love bomber types. You just have to listen very carefully to what they’re saying.

I think I'm too nice a lot of the time. I was very badly abused when younger and am terrified of people being angry with me. So I go out of my way to avoid it. I try to make everyone love me. I wish I wasn't like this but find it hard not to be.

Yes. It took me a long time to see this. It is a way to control how others perceive them.. if they are super nice all the time, then everyone sees them as amazing etc. Until they don't like you.
Someone did this to me. Lovebombing etc. We fell out as I had to set boundaries she did not like. Now my name is mud. She bitches about me all the time to anyone who will listen.

Some people are just really nice. Others are fake.

I see killing as kindness more commonly used as a phrase to describe being kind to someone who has been not very kind to you. Rather than as manipulative.

So op if they manipulating people by being too nice are you also manipulating people but not being nice enough?

People can accuse others of being manipulating but never seem to admit it themselves?

I take people as I find them and react to that, if they are trying to manipulate me I don't have to fall for it

I think it potentially can but I'm generally a bit sceptical when people complain that someone is 'too nice' and therefore it means they are fake. I have seen it happen where bullies just need to find a reason, any reason to dislike someone, maybe due to jealousy or resentment when that person has done nothing wrong. It always seems like a very desperate reason to dislike someone...if that's all you've got, maybe look at yourself. (I don't mean you OP, I just mean anyone!)

Some people are just good and kind. Nothing more to it than that.

Some people are just much kinder than others.

I spent a while unsettled how pleasant and kind everyone was at my new work, after years conditioned to tolerate a toxic environment that was making me increasingly unwell. After a year there I have realised the managers have just pulled together a team of people who genuinely have a really good set of values

Absolutely. People pleasing is basically manipulation.

People who do this at some level are basically trying to put you in a position where you can’t say no.

I can’t really ever trust people like this. You never feel you know who they actually are.

Honestly, you can’t win on here sometimes. Agree, being nice can sometimes be manipulative but more often it’s just because someone is a nice person. People pleasing is usually due to a deep-seated insecurity and fear people will dislike you for saying No, rather than a macchiavellian desire to control people.