How do I stop my 4 year old having tantrums and being grumpy

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I'm sitting here, thinking about the school pick up I need to do in a bit...

I'm already dreading it.. why you ask ?

Because I know what's coming. Yesterday I took my daughter ( 4 ) who's just started school, to the park after school. Today I can't take her as it's raining.

I will get hell for not being able to take her. She's going to cry and stomp her feet and be moody for ages.

Yesterday I took her, she was happy we stayed for over an hour. She played with another girl, also 4. The other girl left with her father, no issues. When it was time for us to leave, big issue. My daughter was crying and upset.

It's always the way. It's better than when she was 2. But it still happens.

Next week I have parents evening. In the previous parent's evening, I was told she struggles to listen sometimes. Struggles with sharing. ( this was last term at her preschool ( same place she's now at reception ). I have seen her behaviour improve at home, but she does have her moments and I'm dreading what they're going to say next week.

I just want to hear something nice. I asked the teacher how she's doing on the second week and I got feedback she didn't want to sit on the mat assigned to her, but wanted another coloured mat. They had struggled in the first week, every time they needed to sit on the mat because she didn't want to sit on the assigned mat. But it had got a bit better since the first week.

I'm a good mum. I'm calm, I'm fair. I adore my daughter more than anything. I give her consequences to misbehaving. But when I see some of the other children and the way they just seem to follow all instructions and don't have melt downs etc - I do worry about my daughter and I wonder when she's going to get it ? Or am I just expecting too much from my child ? Not all children are obedient model students at 4, surely that's normal in some cases ?

SEN has not been suggested yet by the school or preschool / nursery.

My daughter is almost six. She's a twat sometimes

At four, she was a fucking demon. Every bloody day, screaming and tantrums and usually violent too. Some kids go through a difficult stage at that age. It's normal.

Thank you. It's just tough sometimes when you see other kids behaving so well and the teachers clearly tell the parents such lovely things about them.

I love my daughter and honestly I love her spirit too. She's strong willed and she's clever too but it pains me when she gets bad feedback. It pains me for her that she must feel it. I don't know how to explain. Hopefully she doesn't know or realise.

I think it you find a solution, you should highlight it as it might be applicable to grumpy adults who also have tantrums.

What do you mean "I will get hell" she is 4, would you accept another adult giving you hell? No, so why are you accepting it off a 4 yr old?
If you do go to the park, time her down, going in 5 mins, 4 mins, 3 mins, warn her then when its time, no drama. if she cries, just say, never mind, we can come again when its dry! Don't take her on!

Strong willed and clever is not necessarily a good combination in a 4 year-old!

Might I suggest that you change tack and completely ignore all screaming tantrums? Any attention at all is rewarding her bad behaviour. If you must say something, just calmly say "Stop making that noise". Don't try and explain why she can't have what she wants other than saying "No, we can't go because it is raining" or "No, we are not going to the shop today". Carry on with your day as normal and if that includes carting a red-faced yelling monster around with you, then do it anyway.

take wellies and puddle suit if it's raining!
for mine, countdowns to leaving, making leaving a game (can we get to the gate by only walking on wet bits, only on shadows, only on leaves etc), give control over route you'll take home, do they want to go past the fun puddles or balance along the wall or look for conkers? and snacks as bribes - they're still so little at 4 and being tired after school makes everything worse! it will get better!!

1. Deal with physical needs first so take a snack, she'll be hangry.

2. Why not go to the park? Take wellies and a rain suit with you and an umbrella for you. Getting that chance to be physical after-school is really a useful transition activity.

3. If you can't go to the park what else does she like? Can you tempt her home with a bubble bath / painting etc.

School is hard and exhausting.

Lots of children dont like change, you need to warn them of he transition time not with time at her age but with activities "we have time for 3 more goes on the slide". And then distract, distract, distract " You went down the slide so quickly on your last go! I wonder if you can run to that tree/ lampost/ bench faster than I can. When we get home what shall we do this evening?"

now and next is also useful, make flashcards and laminate them if they're helpful. ask her to pick what's now and give her a few acceptable choices to choose next from. Then when you need to leave the park ask her to find the park and the home for dinner card.
keep giving busy distractions from the thing that will make her throw a wobbly.

Bring her a sugary snack and drink to have immediately after exiting the school gates!!!! That should buy you enough time to get home at least!

one thing - have you asked her why she doesn't like her assigned mat?
some kids take more notice of things and accept them as fact - mine hates red because the red colour monster is angry, he likes green because the green one is calm.

@longapple she doesn't like the colour and prefers a different colour

I think you're expecting a bit too much of her. I do completely understand your frustration though. Who wants to hang out with someone in a bad mood all the time?

But she's only little and when she gets frustrated, she doesn't have the self control or the social intelligence to be able to stay composed. It's just finding that balance between acknowledging that her feelings are valid and developing a sense of stoicism in her. It takes time.

You know her best, but I'd try empathising with her, distracting her with humour, and plainly telling her that there's a limit on how many complaints is acceptable.

So what? She is being told by the teacher that she sits on a mat, why is it an issue? So what if she prefers a different colour.

It's also about expectations, she's not stomping her feet and being moody, she is showing her disappointment and frustration about not being able to do something she enjoys when she thought she would. If you or I couldnt do something we looked forward to we would be disappointed to buy would hold it in or find something else to do, she needs to be taught that, taught how to make a Plan B and C if necessary

So next time look at the weather before you go to school and say "oh it likes like it will be rainy today, if it is what should we do after school? Shall we have a hot chocolate/ make a fort/ get some painting out" that way she knows and isn't disappointed and has something else to look forward to

She sounds like a totally normal four year old. Remember, just because you don't see other children playing up, doesn't mean it doesn't happen

If you can't go to the park then it's useful to have another idea in mind - is there another activity she loves inside that she could do instead? Dancing around to music or something active maybe?

My 4yo seems to need constant food. If I make sure the snacks are kept up we get no tantrums. It's like a year long growth spurt but has cost a bomb in fruit, nuts, breadsticks etc.

Ds's best park trips include wellies and duck food....

Because it sounds like it's more than just a preference. Behaviour is communication.

I would try to find out why she has such a strong preference and see if I could find a compromise / explain why a compromise couldn't happen.
I don't respond well to 'too bad, shut up' when I have a reason for not wanting to do something and I don't expect my 4 year old to either. Feeling heard helps everyone, even if their request can't be accomodated.

She's always hungry ! She used to need much less food !

Up the protein, and have substantial snacks not just empty calories on the go. Bread sticks and rice cakes etc are handy but not great at filling you up. I used to take a banana most of the year and then put an ice lolly inside a travel cup (to stop it melting) in the summer when they are hot and bothered

So a teacher with 30 4 year olds has to ask each one of them their preferences for what colour mat they would prefer to sit on?

She's 4. None of this is unusual.
Go to the park. Just wear a coat/wellies - sounds like she needs outside time after being cooped up indoors.
Kids learn different skills at different speeds - things like the feedback from school isn't critical per se, it's factual and it's partly so you can help reinforce and support at home. No one has a child who behaves perfectly and appropriately all the time. That would be more weird.

A lot of this is familiar to me OP. For us, tiredness and hunger makes it worse. Mine daughter is pretty well behaved at school but saves up all her emotions for a giant splurge on the way home. She also finds transitions hard.

lots of good recommendations already - one small thing, we’ve had a bit of success with reading stories about it - Barbara Throws A Wobbler and Ravi’s Roar. Not pushing it too hard, but has helped a bit to give her some more language around what’s happening when she has a massive tantrum.

Meant to say also, a lot of this is about character and personality. My older child just doesn’t tantrum. He’s one of the reasonable and obedient ones! I’ve parented both in the same way - so don’t think it’s caused by bad parenting at all. I have recognised that I need to do things differently with the younger one, and help her to manage her emotions better

no, I was suggesting that her parent could, to see if there was more to it than meets the eye?
My child would become very agitated if he was made to sit on a mat of the wrong colour, because he associates colours with their colour monster meanings. It might be interpreted as a tantrum for not getting his own way, but it's just the way his brain works.