Co-parenting with an FW

[Slothsarecool]

I’ve tried to find similar posts but can’t see anything, despite the fact I must be one of many people in a similar situation. Quite simply I am co-parenting (if you could call it that) with an absolute FW (fuck wit).

I have 2 kids with him, 10B and 12G, we split up 5 years ago, and since then I’ve remarried and he’s gone from GF to GF.

He’s very happy being a PT parent and sees the kids every other weekend and shares some of the school holidays. He barely calls/messages them in between. He has no interest in seeing them more despite their requests. When he is with them does keep them entertained, but it is largely screen related. He has zero interest or involvement in their education, friendships or emotional needs. He pays what the government dictates towards them and not a penny more; he expects me to supply everything as he sees that money as the total contribution. He sees the children for the minimum amount of days in the CMS bracket he has chosen and not a day more. He buys them minimal clothes for his place, and unless I supply them the kids will be wearing clothes 2/3 sizes too small.

All the kids want is their dad; the younger one pines for him and the older one is a bit distant from him as she feels so rejected. His lack of interest is so apparent and heart-breaking to watch. He despises me so if I try to encourage him to be more involved he rejects it. He also takes zero initiative and I have to tell him anything child-related if I need it to happen. I.E. X has homework that he needs to do. FWEX will never look at the school groups/emails/Google classroom. He’s simply not interested and expects me to do all the fact finding and supply him with the info. If I don’t, the homework etc. will not be done in his care.

I think he does love the children, but he sees parenting as a job; one that he has to pay for the privilege of. He will also try to dodge having them on Saturdays and bank holidays in the holidays if he can, as I think he sees this as some kind of overtime!?

Not sure what advice I’m looking for, but would be interesting to hear from others in a similar situation and hear how best they deal with it.

FWEX thinks I should be grateful for his mediocre co-parenting as I should look at all the dads that do less and realise how lucky I am; I think parenting is a privilege and joy and I want to be the best parent I can be, giving the children the most solid grounding, helping them evolve in to well rounded, condiment adults.

This is all very top line I realise. It’s a nightmare co-parenting with someone who just isn’t engaged as a parent.

any thoughts?

Hang in there. He will reap what he has sowed.

Your kids will understand who was there for them and who wasn't.

They're old enough to decide how they spend their time, so when they stop wanting to go to his, maybe he will realise. Or not.

You haven’t seen any similar posts?!

Haha, I don’t think I looked very hard. Maybe I just needed to vent ;)

He doesn’t love them.

That isn’t parental love. The unconditional parental love we mean when we say we love our children - he doesn’t have it. At best he’s got fond uncle vibes.

Lots of men - perfectly normal selfish men - don’t love their children. Oh they say they do and we recoil in horror at actually acknowledging that they don’t, so it’s unspoken, but this absolutely isn’t parental love and it is more common than anyone says.

Your kids will understand who was there for them and who wasn't.

You'd like to think so, right?

In my sister's case, not so.

My nephew who is now early 20's thinks the sun shines out of his dads arse. Of course now he's old enough to drink and watch football, my sisters ex wants to spend loads of his spare time with my nephew, and my nephew laps it allllllll up. Honestly, he thinks his dad is amazing.

With hindsight my sister wishes she'd never pushed her ex to have as much contact as she did.

She is now grasping at the hope that if and when my nephew becomes a dad himself, he will realise what a piss poor father he had. Me, I'm not holding my breath.

I do agree. It’s his version of love. Which is completely different to mine. He genuinely believes he is a wonderful father. It’s astounding.

Yes I can completely see this happening to us. I don’t know if it’s better or worse - at least it saves my son the heartbreak of realising he has a shit dad.

I also have a FW ex. We split when the kids were 4,7 and 10. They're now 17, 20 and 23. My eldest speaks to him rarely my other two have no relationship with him at all through their own choice.
He's always been a shit dad, he'd have them EOW (when he felt like it) and spent that time drinking with his friends. He's never paid a penny towards them and didn't even buy them Christmas presents.
He genuinely can't understand why his kids don't want a relationship with him but genuinely believes he's a good parent.
In my eyes he's got his just desserts, yours will too.

I will say that it could be worse as this fw could try and fight for 50/50 but then neglect their emotional and educational needs more days a week and also not pay for anything - apart from your food bill going down slightly you'd still have to buy everything for them with no child maintenance

Oh he’d never go for 50/50. That would eat may too much in to his social life. He’s just not made to be a dad, but does the bare minimum which is just about adequate.

it’s quite bittersweet as I adore having the kids and now wouldn’t want to change anything in terms of custody, but really feel for them as they’re missing out on having a good dad. Having said that, their step dad is beyond amazing to them, but that isn’t the same. I do agree though, the truth always comes out and it will be interesting to see how it all unfolds as time goes on.

Yeah I'm right there with you. He was a crap husband and father when we were together and nothing's changed now we've split up.

I honestly think he's incapable of actually loving anyone because loving someone means putting them first, before yourself and he has never done that. Not for me and not for his own children.

I'm the parent and he's just a one night at a weekend babysitter to be honest.
He doesn't seem to want them more than that but I can't force him to be a father.

The only advice I can offer that gets me through is there is no point getting upset about things you can't control.

The good thing is the kids will come to realise this on their own and when he's old and alone, they won't feel obligated to him.

Mine is similar and now that mine are mid teens they are pulling away, shortening contact visits and starting to realise about the financial side. I've never ever bad mouthed him or complained but as they're older now they are noticing more about finances and asking about why dad won't buy them shoes etc. They know not to bother asking him for much and he doesn't exert himself to do much in tje way of activities. It's been incredibly frustrating but it gets easier as you just don't bother to ask for "extra" or any sort of recognition of the imbalance.

It’s so frustrating and I think I must be going mad sometimes because I’m constantly hoping he’ll get better and be more invested, then he isn’t, and I get disappointed. I’m the real FW 🤣

Also, why are there so many men who think this is ok? How can they justify this to themselves? Do their friends and family not tell them how shit they are? I genuinely don’t understand.

If MN was representative of the population, about a third of all non-resident parents are either unco-operative or 'Disney dads'.

I feel your pain.
Also only screen entertainment.
Will only engage in conversations about football, not kids football though.
The kids see how he is.

If MN was representative I reckon it would be a lot more than a 3rd! Luckily it isn’t representative though

I think you just have to recognise the limits of what you can control/be responsible for. You can't make him a better father.

You're there for them and it's great that their stepdad is on it. Does your ex have family who see them?

Pp are right, the penny will drop for them one day.

I clicked on your thread to check if I'd deciphered FW correctly. I had.

I think some men just grow up having everything done for them and never having to be selfless or sacrifice anything for anyone else.

When it comes to kids, they're basically too childish to be able to cope with it. They're immature, basically.

I suppose if you go back a few generations most men spent lots of time down the pub or out with mates and expected that bringing home a bit of money was the main thing they had to do. What we expect of men has changed a bit. Your ex might have been pretty average 100 years ago.

Same situation except the mother is the deadbeat. Never contributes financially in any way, we feed, clothe and provide everything they need. Has absolutely no idea about school, palms them off any chance she gets (only sees them other other weekend for 2 nights) to go out on the piss instead or puts filler in her face. But when it comes down to the kids they are never a priority. But of course it’s not highlighted like it is with a man because it’s expected of a man. I don’t think these people are capable of love, not in the way you’re supposed to love your children. How could they be? I’m praying for the day they figure out who she is, but at the same time it breaks my heart to think they might question their worth as a result.

The most important choice a woman can make is who she picks to have a kid with. It will either massively enhance every aspect of your life, or, burden you, make every minute more difficult, and traumatise the resulting kids.

Most men want a child like how a toddler wants a puppy. Society supports and normalises deadbeat males, anything slightly above not actively hurting the kid is deemed to be 'amazing'.

Pretty much every other thread on here is women dealing with variations of shit men who had no business reproducing, and women choosing to date proven deadbeats.

You just have to get used to it, Mine is a glorified baby sitter, and not even a reliable one at that. Weeks, months can goby without them asking to see them, and they never take me up on the offer of regular contact.

Then I get a sob story about how much they miss them and are sad that they don't see them enough.

I just accept that it's all on me, and I'm the lucky one, as I have the relationship and knowledge about our child.

You can't force someone to parent, and life is too short to stay bitter. I am of course occasionally angry about it, but I just move on.

This is my situation.

He bad mouths me at every turn to them.

For instance insisting to my daughter that it's up to me which high school she goes. Even though you pick three and get what you're given here!

So she is going to hate me when she doesn't get the school she wants because it's over an hour away.

Etc etc.

Grey rock and dont engage.

Yes, we always assume it’s only the men that are like this. Sorry to hear this. I think people are right about the love. They just don’t have parental love, and you can’t force someone to.

I think when I was with FWEX (and maybe this is often the case) I completely carried the parenting; he was def more hands on and keen then, but he had me there to lead and basically parent his parenting (which definitely attributed to our demise). Then after the break up, when they are left to parent themselves, they realise how hard work it is, and leave it to the other party to deal with. Lazy at best.

I’m trying to accept, and am at peace a lot of the time. It’s just those moments when he shows his shitness that get me going again. my son is oblivious but over the last few years it’s been awful to watch my daughter slowly realise what he is like. I think I’d rather they live in oblivion!

Bit harsh on the women - many of them pretend to be incredible men until the woman is pregnant - it's a well documented pattern hence why all midwives ask about dv (at the booking appointment but imo they should keep asking at every appointment )