Co-parenting with an FW

[Slothsarecool]

I’ve tried to find similar posts but can’t see anything, despite the fact I must be one of many people in a similar situation. Quite simply I am co-parenting (if you could call it that) with an absolute FW (fuck wit).

I have 2 kids with him, 10B and 12G, we split up 5 years ago, and since then I’ve remarried and he’s gone from GF to GF.

He’s very happy being a PT parent and sees the kids every other weekend and shares some of the school holidays. He barely calls/messages them in between. He has no interest in seeing them more despite their requests. When he is with them does keep them entertained, but it is largely screen related. He has zero interest or involvement in their education, friendships or emotional needs. He pays what the government dictates towards them and not a penny more; he expects me to supply everything as he sees that money as the total contribution. He sees the children for the minimum amount of days in the CMS bracket he has chosen and not a day more. He buys them minimal clothes for his place, and unless I supply them the kids will be wearing clothes 2/3 sizes too small.

All the kids want is their dad; the younger one pines for him and the older one is a bit distant from him as she feels so rejected. His lack of interest is so apparent and heart-breaking to watch. He despises me so if I try to encourage him to be more involved he rejects it. He also takes zero initiative and I have to tell him anything child-related if I need it to happen. I.E. X has homework that he needs to do. FWEX will never look at the school groups/emails/Google classroom. He’s simply not interested and expects me to do all the fact finding and supply him with the info. If I don’t, the homework etc. will not be done in his care.

I think he does love the children, but he sees parenting as a job; one that he has to pay for the privilege of. He will also try to dodge having them on Saturdays and bank holidays in the holidays if he can, as I think he sees this as some kind of overtime!?

Not sure what advice I’m looking for, but would be interesting to hear from others in a similar situation and hear how best they deal with it.

FWEX thinks I should be grateful for his mediocre co-parenting as I should look at all the dads that do less and realise how lucky I am; I think parenting is a privilege and joy and I want to be the best parent I can be, giving the children the most solid grounding, helping them evolve in to well rounded, condiment adults.

This is all very top line I realise. It’s a nightmare co-parenting with someone who just isn’t engaged as a parent.

any thoughts?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum what bit is harsh? It's all stuff I've seen written by other users, many times. I imagine many men do hide how shit they are until they impregnate a woman. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Many are quite open about how shit they are, too.

Fair enough! Probably defensiveness on my part as I may have wished away a red flag or two!

I have found Matthew hussey book love life great on this topic and wish I'd read it before getting pregnant (not that I regret my baby but I do indeed regret his father being his father)

People change! A lot of men (usually) have babies because their partners want them and then when the relationship breaks down aren’t interested. They make all the right noises when they’re trying to impress!

Your username… I couldn’t help thinking, Sloths are cool, until you marry one 🤣

It’s a sad reality but you have to try not to let this person disrupt your inner peace as frustrating as that can be. You can’t force him to be who the kids need him to be, you can only do your best from your side. Maybe one day he will realise he’s been shit, and he missed out, maybe he won’t. But the kids will know who was there. It’s really awful but you just have to try and carry on like that person isn’t in their life, then even if they do the absolute bare minimum that’s something at least. It’s really hard. Took me a long time to realise I was just upsetting myself over someone who was incapable of change, you just have to be there for them to pick up the pieces and let the rest fall into place.

Why does she want her child to know he has a bad father? That's just as selfish as not bothering with the child at all. If they can have a better relationship as adults then that's good and your sister has done a good job to make that happen by continuing to encourage contact.

This is it I think... modern society isn't what humans evolved for. This explains a lot of the issues with bad fathers and also with looking after very young children. Humans evolved to live in an extended family structure with women sharing child care and men doing other things. Now we try to force everyone to be a self sufficient nuclear family and it creates so many difficulties. Mothers were not meant to care for young children mostly single handed. Fathers were not meant to care for young children much at all. Children were not meant to spend all their time closed off in a house or closely managed in a childcare setting.

Off the top of my head, I'd imagine the posters sister might have so many different thoughts:
Because it's frustrating to see someone turn up and look like dad of the year once the majority of the hard stuff is over?
Because she might be worried that her son might, because he enjoys time with his dad now, think that the way his father behaved when he was younger was normal and fine and might behave the same way himself if he ever ended up in a similar situation?
Because his dad has proven to only put in effort when things are convenient to him, so what happens if his son becomes 'inconvenient' again - is he going to drop him again?
Honestly could list loads more but that's for starters.

Don't expect anyone to live up to your expectations in life. You will be sorely disappointed. Your ex manchild needs to go back to his mama . Good luck.x
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Some people aren't cut out to be parents. My ex partner's ex wife, who he has 2 boys with (the children lived full-time with him) was an awful Mother. She left them and my ex to go off with another man. She had zero interest in the boys, when she did it was the 'nice' bits, and let them down so many times. Basically, she had the children for all the wrong reasons, and simply wasn't maternal. Her boys are now in their early 30s, she moved to France years ago with her husband and barely sees her boys and like her own boys, has zero interest in her Grandchildren either! What goes around comes around in my opinion! Eventually, your children will realise how crap their Dad really is and they will make the choice to see him or not.

Also it amazes me he has and on/off GF with children the same age! When I was dating, one of the biggest flags was how someone parented!

I guess it takes all sorts 🤣

Adjust your expectations, save your energy wondering why, and know that truth will out. The kids aren't daft.

"Hang in there. He will reap what he has sowed."

This.

My son also has/had a FW.
he went months without seeing him and then contacted me out of the blue after seeing we were on holiday with my ‘new boyfriend’ (now husband), I said he can’t just drop out of his life like that and that we’d go to court to arrange regular visits. He has not so much as asked about him since, that was 8 years ago.

my son hasn’t missed him.
i made sure my son knows that it isn’t anything about him, it’s just that some adults don’t love and care the way they should and it’s a them problem.

it really sucks when kids don’t have the full love that they deserve

I'm going to take a slightly different angle on this.

My DH had a rubbish father in different ways, he longed to be loved by his Dad and would do anything for even a crumb of his time.

His Dad is now dead, my DH accepts his Dad was piss poor but as he explains it. But he's my Dad and I wanted him to love me and tell me he was proud of me no matter how shit of Dad he was I only got him.

I can kind of understand that. Kids (adults) will take crumbs if that's all they've got because it's better than nothing. It doesn't mean they don't know the truth, but I imagine it's very painful to accept a parent doesn't love you and give up.

I think what I'm trying to say is, even if they seek the love of the other parent it doesn't diminish the love they have for you. At least you can hold your head up and say you loved them back equally.