To ask how to run the house once back to work

[watermelonsugarr]

I'm back to work after Mat Leave in a couple of weeks and sitting down with DH to work out how we can manage everything between us.

I'll be out of the house from 7.45-5.30pm 3 days per week, with all children home with me on my two days off.

He will be out of the house from 8am-4pm ish 5 days a week. He will have some time home alone after work each day so I'm thinking he will need to use that time to try and keep on top of things at home.

I will do all nursery drop offs and pick ups.

How does it work in your house holds? Currently I do 100% of all house work/food shopping/washing (which feels like a monster of a job!) tidying etc as I'm home during the day. I seem to manage ok and tend to send DH and the kids out for half a day on a weekend currently to get some stuff done but not sure I'll want to do this when I'm back to work as the time will be precious.

We have a cleaner once every other week for 3 hours so the house gets a really good clean then and needs just a bit of cleaning in between.

We want to work out a system that works and feels fair so just wondering how other people manage to keep a clean and tidy home and have clean clothes and good meals and not be resentful of each other!

We just started using an app called Nipto where you can add all the chores (it has loads that you can just select so you don't have to add them all) and then whoever does them collects points and so you can see how evenly stuff is distributed. Was useful to map out everything and discuss how much tasks are worth so invisible jobs become more noticeable and broken down into components. We both with FT though so equally sharing stuff seems obvious (though doesn't really work out in practice). I know you are doing childcare when home though perhaps doing the odd wash those days isn't so bad? Or does he think you should do everything then? Does your DH not want to do anything? Is that the problem? Or is it just working out a schedule? How many DC and what ages?

Practically meal planning, batch cooking in advance and freezing plus never letting things build up so it never gets unmanageable.

Or up your cleaner and get them to do washing as well?

Out of interest why will you be doing all of the nursery runs when he has shorter hours?

What we find works best is each of us having our own patch rather than sharing jobs - except for school runs which we share equally.

For you guys - he has 4-6pm 3x a week child free, and 2x with the kids around. You have two days with the kids so you're home a bit more but with young children to look after.

So I would say to use that time effectively -

I would suggest he cooks dinner every week day, and also that he picks up the top up cleaning which he can do on the 3 days the kids aren't around - he should be able to hoover one day, do kitchen one day, do bathroom another day.

You could then pick up the washing on the two days you're around because that is easier to do with kids around than cooking or cleaning.

Food shopping - just get it delivered.

We both work full time, but this is how we do it.

Cleaner once a week, neither of us do any cleaning apart from that, spot cleaning or quick once over if we have guests over. Cleaner changes the beds and they go straight into the wash that day.

I do drop off, husband does pick up.

I cook dinner, husband does bath time.

Washing - either a load overnight and hung up in the morning, I do it on my lunch hour if wfh, or husband does it when he gets home. It takes less than 10mins to hang the washing up, so it’s not really a big issue.

Shopping is all online, cleaning products, pet food, etc is all on scheduled delivery so we don’t have to think about anything.

Weekdays I get home, we all play a game, have a chat, then bed/bath and I cook dinner for us (kid’s dinner is leftovers from our dinner last night, or something equally quick). We eat, chat, listen to music, watch tv, read, whatever - no housework.

Weekends we usually go out - again no housework.

I honestly don’t find it stressful and seem to have a lot of free time!

Our set up is similar in that one works part time and one full time but just longer hours. We share bedtimes - one person cooks, does dishwasher and tidies toys whilst the other does bath and bed. We switch this up as suits our schedule.
We also have very specific jobs which we each do that helps. I tend to use first thing in the morning to complete whatever is most pressing whilst he does breakfast and getting kids ready. I also do this on a Saturday as we are up early.
I have two set washing days which helps a lot with reducing clothing related mess

Pretty much what @exprecis said, though DS is old enough to get himself to and from school.

If you do the pickups then he needs to use the hour that he has to at least cook dinner and do a load of laundry. Easily doable in less than an hour.

He has very soft hours and plenty of time to do his share and still give you both down time after work.

If he sorts dinner and laundry then you can do bathtime and homework and take turns for bedtime.

How old are the kids?

We're old school, so have a list of all the jobs and tick them off. We do about half each. We do discuss quite a lot, if you're going to share the burden there has to be some chat.

Kids are 1,1 and 3.

Annoyingly we only have one useable car (DH has a work van and no car seats in it) I also need my car for work and am also quite keen to do drop offs and pick ups tbh.

He's keen to do his bit and we are both keen to avoid arguments so just trying to work out what's what!

Split the nursery run - one does drop off and the other collects. Diaries aligned for family events and children’s parties.
Split time off work to cover illnesses. Outsource as much as possible - online food shopping, buy presents online (which can be wrapped and delivered) and a cleaner as much as possible to put the shopping away when it arrives, change beds, laundry and get meals prepped so you only need to heat up.

The washing feels like a mammoth task because basically if I don't do a load a day including putting it all away it becomes unmanageable!

Don’t fall into the trap of him doing’his bit’ - he’s a parent and should want to be doing an equal share of parenting his children and running the home.

You're right @Parker231

It's just that for almost 3.5 years it has been just me doing it all. So it's going to be an adjustment for us all - not kidding myself he's going to be perfect right away!

In that case putting a load in the wash, a load in the dryer and folding and putting away a load seems like a good daily task for your DH when he gets in. He can do it with a cuppa.

Re laundry, time how long it actually takes to process a whole load e.g. sort it, put in machine, hang it then put it away. It's not that long in total maybe 10-15 mins max. Totally manageable between you to do one load a day, try not to overthink it.
In your position I'd be increasing cleaner to once a week and trying to batch cook at weekends or get a stock of decent ready meals in e.g. cook if you can afford it.

Also agree with about poster re "doing his bit". That is slightly better way of phrasing it than him "helping" but he has to view the domestic stuff as mutual chores rather than him "helping you".

Write a cleaning checklist. - lots of examples online and TOMM a great place to start - but crucially have a go then rewrite them to suit you.

Get a really good cleaning kit - I have two robot hoovers, one of them can mop if a bit half heartedly, a vileda spray mop, pledge fluffy duster and feather one, innumerable cloths and a little closed bucket with handle for chucking used ones in pre wash, a cleaning trug upstairs, cleaning spray and bleach in each loo, a small shark wand for doing the stairs… eyeing up a robot window cleaner for next year. Oh, and clothes brush in a handy drawer for wherever there’s a sofa. Brush dust crumbs and other debris off sofa on to floor before robot hoover starts.

i sound like a maniac (quite possibly am), but I just lower barriers to entry everywhere. Like at night, dinner cleared, hoover bumbling about on its own while I wipe surfaces and put dishwasher on etc.

2 kids, 75 million kids activities, volunteering, work full time, DH works away every week, no cleaner or domestic help - please be assured it’s frequently chaos and indeed upstairs bathrooms need seriously deep cleaned this weekend, but we get there.

I think those 3 days he needs to have tea on the table when you walk in the door at 5.30. Even if the dc eat at childcare they might want something? Otherwise you're well into overtired hungry kids crying.

I would put a wash on overnight and DH hangs it up in the morning. Then you do the rest of the washing on your days off / weekend.

I don't know about cleaning. I hate it, and we don't even have a cleaner any more, I do the absolute bare minimum!

I see it's a bit difficult with the car seat thing and your cars, but I would try to get your dh to do pick ups.
I feel like it is an unnecessary 1 hour an a half that kids have to spend extra in nursery.
Then you get home around 5h30, 5h45, it is already dark, kids are tired , and the only hour in the day that you see the kids it will be that mad and chaotic rush of dinner bath bed.
Your kids will in essence, have longer work day than you and dh.
If they get home at 4 they have a leisurely 3 hours to get ready and go to bed and have more connection time before bed.
That's just practicalities I've come to notice with kids.
Their day is really long, it's over 10 hours.
Anyway good luck, it's a grind to keep on top of the house!

How it worked / works in my house is if you see it needs doing you do it and if you have to got time we discuss it.
So first one home gets tea on, last one up makes the bed. Sunday and Wed the bedding gets done so whonever is around gets the wash on.
Friday night uniforms get washed so last one to take u inform starts the wash.
I do the majority of the cooking but if I'm not around at meal times DH does it.
I sort most of the house admin out and he sorts business admin out. We usually do at the same time on a quiet evening.
I sort out most if the social events.
When the kids were little we sorted pick ups around my shifts,so if I was working Dh would finish early, get tea on, do homework, take them to scouts or whatever, get them bathed and settled down before I come home from work. I would do the same if I was off or on an early finish.
Back in the day when we ironed a lot Dh did that. He used to do the big shop and I'd do the menu planning. I still menu plan.
It's worked well for us for the last 34 years.
You dont need mine and their jobs in my opinion.

It's all very individual depending on what tasks suit which person, and what your schedules are. In some families it might work really well for your husband to have a sit down and breather in that home alone slot - recharge and then have a good amount of energy and engagement for dinner and bedtime.

We have a traditional "wifework" split a bit, in that DH is very keen to do his bit and respect my time, but also he's autistic .Everything juggling in both our brains doesn't really work for either of us. He took on tidying the kitchen after dinner and most bedtimes. Both long jobs but clearly defined and without needing much planning. I do dinner most nights, food planning and shopping. Bedtime is important to DH because he doesn't have days off with them like I do. Yes it's an effort but over the years I think it's been key that they get to spend proper time with their dad every day, not just at weekends.

I would try to focus on how you both look after each other/look after yourselves, as well as getting stuff done. Sometimes it's more important to sit down together (or alone) with a cuppa than to crack through the washing up. You'll never get this day again so do try to think of ways to find joy, not just to endlessly tick off jobs.

I agree that he has to use that 90 minutes alone every day to stay on top of things while you're doing the nursery run home with the kids. The obvious thing to do would be for him to decompress/shower/change/faff for 30 mins, do 30 mins of housework as per TOMM (the organised mum method) and then get dinner ready so it's ready to go when you get home with the kids at 5.30pm. If he enjoys apps and checklists then it's worth downloading that as it will give him prompts and keep him on top of things.

Then on weekends and the days you're home with the kids, you can keep things vaguely tidy, and batch cook for the week ahead.

Am seriously impressed by some of these systems. I haven’t cracked it and mine are much older so I’m of no use whatsoever to you 😂

@Hallelujahchorus sounds like a robot hoover is the way to go! Which do you have?

@Ohhbaby I agree.

They're actually only going to be in nursery two days... so I kind of didn't feel so bad about them having longer days if it meant we/my dh had a bit of time to keep on top of the house. But now I do feel guilty and agree with you