Am I been unreasonable to cancel a family holiday

[Singleholiday]

Little bit of background myself and my DH had been together for 20 years married for 13 with 2 children together. We had I admit fallen into a bit of a rut with the mundane life unequal family split/etc and had become a bit bickery as a result. He had in the last about 2 months spent a increasing amount of time with his sister and her best friend drinking excessively and from this he had begun stating he was unhappy in his marriage and despite saying there was nothing going on with the other girl wanted a divorce we have been muddling through with no real resolve until things came to a head almost 2 weeks ago and he lied about where he was and went drinking with his sister and this other girl and didn't return home all night despite my pleas to do so. I therefore asked him to leave which he did and has been living at his sisters since.
Once the storm has calmed down I have almost begged him to return its massively affecting our children our eldest especially was already on a mental health pathway and this is killing her she just wants her parents together. I feel after 20 years we owe it to ourselves and our children to try to change and really invest in the marriage, try councilling and talking but he point blank will not now consider this and wants a permanent split.
Now comes the AIBU in 4 weeks we are due to fly abroad with the girls for a trip with his mother and his sister which has been paid for by my mother in law. He still wants to go on this trip with him staying with his sister and me with the children but still spending all our time together with his family or failing that for him to fly with them without me. Am I been unreasonable to feel the best solution given the current situation is to cancel altogether. The children need their mum neither wants to be away from me, I also have concerns around the drinking with his sister and general behavior given its what has had a massive hand in the breakdown of our marriage. I however cannot see a amicable way for me to holiday with his family without that also impacting the children.
AIBU to cancel the trip altogether despite me not having paid for it and knowing it will upset my children?

My opinion is that you shouldn’t go and that you should ask the children whether they want to go with the rest of the family or not.

It’s not your place to cancel the entire holiday. The other adults can make their own choices.

For clarity his mum and sister are separate bookings the only people I would be removing would be me and my children and my husband if he doesn't want to go without us. The children have both stated that they don't want to go without mummy.

How old are your kids and how long is the trip?

Cancel and take your kids elsewhere.

I wouldn’t even discuss with him. I would cancel and take the DC elsewhere just with you. Maybe leaving the day before as a surprise for the kids.

Fuck him.

My children are 12 and 9 and a 12 day trip. it's so hard I just want to make everyone happy and I just can't think of a solution that's going to do that. The younger one went away with her grandma for 4 nights and was upset by the end wanting me they are both quite homebodies without these added issues

My first reaction would be to say that DH takes the kids and you stay home, but if they have said they don't want to do this then you have to take this into account.

If your eldest is struggling anyway, then I don't think playing happy families for a week would be helpful at all.

I would have another conversation with your children and double check that they definitely do mean that they wont go without you. That might have been a knee jerk reaction and wanting to please you, bearing in mind everything else that is going on.

If they mean it, then you wouldn't be unreasonable to tell you MIL that under the circumstances you and the children won't be going.

Would the kids want to go if it was a shorter trip? Is that an possibility?

You’ve known for a while that the marriage is not working, your husband raised it a few months ago and now he wants a divorce. I think it maybe past the time of working on your marriage.

This. Seems to be the perfect solution. Not a word to the dc or anyone else, fabulous surprise, defo go the day before so it's a done deal. Your ex deserves nothing less.

I definitely wouldn’t be going. If the dc wanted to go, I’d be happy and support that. My Dh took our eldest abroad for 2 weeks this summer and they had a wonderful time. But he is a competent, engaged parent and she loves going away with him. If they don’t want to go, then they stay home with you.

Were they with their df though? Tbh it would be better to send them with him and you drop out, or perhaps go for a shorter period. Given it is likely you are separating they will need to get used to being with one of you,

The marriage is over.

Which means moving forward he is going to have to parent the kids without you, so they should probably get used to you not always being there.

I appreciate that the drinking is problematic, but if you believe that the children will be otherwise safe with their father, grandmother and aunt, then you ought to send the children and use this time to get your affairs in order for the divorce.

It’s lovely that the children want to stay with you, but it would be unfair to put them in the position of taking sides.

You and your husband are the parents, so you need to make a joint decision on their behalf, otherwise you are undermining him as a parent and setting the tone for their future relationship with him.

Now is also a good time to teach your DC about resilience. Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to do or that push us out of our comfort zones, it might be daunting or upsetting, but ultimately they will be fine.

I could not be fucked to play happy families.

I wouldn't make my kids go if they expressed they didn't want to.

My relationship sounds exactly like yours, we separated a year ago and honestly, I've never been happier. There is light.

Well, as her eldest child is already on the mental health pathway and is really badly affected by her parents separating, this probably isn't the best time to teach her about resilience.

I disagree, this is exactly the time to teach her about resilience, otherwise how will she cope when life gets really tough?

You should definitely not go and I’d tell him you aren’t going, then leave it to him to negotiate with the kids as to whether they go or not.

I wouldn’t be making them go unwillingly but I would be gently encouraging them to go. After all as pps say, they are going to have to get used to staying with him without you there.

If you've given them the explicit choice of going with daddy or not going then they've chosen not to go and you should cancel.

how much do the kids know about the reason for the split? Are they trying to side with mum? I think that you shouldn’t go and he should take the kids. I’d encourage them to spend that time with their dad as going forward I guess it’s likely you’ll have shared custody. I expect the kids are looking forward to the trip, cancelling seems mean. Depends how much they really don’t want to go through and if you can persuade them it’s a good idea for them to go.

This is like saying that someone with a fractured arm should lift weights because how would they lift weights if the arm was broken.

life obviously is tough for her already.

The children at the moment are a bit up in the air and limbo as am I, they know daddy is gone but I'm trying to shield them as best I can but obviously the 12 year old especially isn't stupid. We will have shared custody but even together he has been a up and down dad he is involved in a hobby which leads to a lot of evenings and weekends out of the house and likes socialising and drinking when he wants so I have always done the majority of the parenting. He can be a brilliant dad but it's all very disney days our n fun stuff rather than the life stuff which I guess he will need to learn, he can also be quite short and snappy with them which affects their decision as well as a shared ideal around a lot of parenting styles, freedoms and the killer drinking.
I'm not saying never to him taking them away but at the moment with so much unresolved and it been so raw is it the best idea to have them a flight away with no real control over what is happening and what is been said and not been able to be with them if it all goes wrong?

no more pleading.hes prick.
HE moved out ,checked out-if he gave a fuck bout kids,gran missing out -he would have cancelled him going- not exp4ected upset children and frayed rship with you to endure it.
Fuck him.Book something else for you and the girls.
Witing in sidelines is a shitshow

No this is like teaching someone with a fractured arm how to manage day to day activities with only one arm, so they can still function and be independent while they wait for it to heal.

Yes life is tough for her right now, but this is not going to be the only hurdle in her life, so she needs to learn healthy ways to deal with negative emotions and difficult situations.

I think that life is really tough for her at the moment. Dealing with parents splitting up is considered to be an adverse childhood experience that can cause trauma, particularly for a child who already requires mental health support.

If she would rather stay at home with her mother, she should be allowed to do this.

Do you have any lessons to teach her father who seems to be reliving his teenage years?

She's 12 and her parents are separating. That is life getting really tough.

He's utterly delusional OP. He's ended the marriage so MIL and SIL are no longer your family, and of course you won't be holidaying with them. That's a direct and very predictable consequence of his decision.

I'd let your DDs decide whether to go and not push it. It's an uncertain time for them and very natural for them to want to be with the parent who's been doing most of the parenting.

We had a friend whose husband ended their marriage without warning - and then was surprised she didn't want to continue going on their many luxury holidays together. He thought they'd just carry on travelling together as friends. Utterly delusional.