Am I been unreasonable to cancel a family holiday

[Singleholiday]

Little bit of background myself and my DH had been together for 20 years married for 13 with 2 children together. We had I admit fallen into a bit of a rut with the mundane life unequal family split/etc and had become a bit bickery as a result. He had in the last about 2 months spent a increasing amount of time with his sister and her best friend drinking excessively and from this he had begun stating he was unhappy in his marriage and despite saying there was nothing going on with the other girl wanted a divorce we have been muddling through with no real resolve until things came to a head almost 2 weeks ago and he lied about where he was and went drinking with his sister and this other girl and didn't return home all night despite my pleas to do so. I therefore asked him to leave which he did and has been living at his sisters since.
Once the storm has calmed down I have almost begged him to return its massively affecting our children our eldest especially was already on a mental health pathway and this is killing her she just wants her parents together. I feel after 20 years we owe it to ourselves and our children to try to change and really invest in the marriage, try councilling and talking but he point blank will not now consider this and wants a permanent split.
Now comes the AIBU in 4 weeks we are due to fly abroad with the girls for a trip with his mother and his sister which has been paid for by my mother in law. He still wants to go on this trip with him staying with his sister and me with the children but still spending all our time together with his family or failing that for him to fly with them without me. Am I been unreasonable to feel the best solution given the current situation is to cancel altogether. The children need their mum neither wants to be away from me, I also have concerns around the drinking with his sister and general behavior given its what has had a massive hand in the breakdown of our marriage. I however cannot see a amicable way for me to holiday with his family without that also impacting the children.
AIBU to cancel the trip altogether despite me not having paid for it and knowing it will upset my children?

You kicked him out, so I think he's being perfectly reasonable to be done with relationship. If my husband ever did that to me, I'd be done.
I do think the kids should go with him and you stay behind. If necessary, for the kids, I think you could join for the last 5 days or so. It could help the kids spending time with dad but also knowing you'll be there in x days.

How awful would it be for the kids to watch him walk off on them every night. It sounds terrible. Op myself and dh are close to ending it, same thing- he’s unhappy- out of the blue, doesn’t know if he loves me the only thing he loves is the kids and work.

I’ve grieved all of this and would always always have thought staying together was better for the kids but now, how is it really? Your kids need to see their dad and mum happy (even without each other sadly) and they need to see their mum not being avoided/ ignored/ nervous/ on edge/ hopeful/ heartbroken. I’m so so sorry

Yes, the drinking is worrying, I would cancel it.

You shouldn’t have to play happy families so he looks good in front of his family or to have to send your unhappy children with him, they need you more right now.

This is harsh but if the marriage is over then both you and the children need to get used to holidays and time apart. It’s crap and rubbish but better than being around unhappy parents who make each other miserable. Please don’t ask the kids to choose because you are making them pick sides. You and your husband co parent and make the decision for them and tell them what is happening.

Obviously their views are important but essentially by asking them what they want to do you are sauing do you want to stay with mummy or stay with daddy and that’s not okay. If they go away with their dad this time you take them away on your own next time etc etc.

Sorry your marriage has turned out this way and this is happening to you. CAFCASS have great advice on their website about separation and please seek legal advice as soon as possible if there are any assets. Please try to keep things amicable for the children which is so hard when you are having to co parent with a man child.

This is all rather raw right now by the sounds of things and I think the dust needs to settle.

TBH it seems clear your marriage isn’t salvageable at this point. I would suggest a family meeting where you sit your children down and tell them it’s over, that whilst mum and dad just can’t work through the problems they have this doesn’t mean you don’t both love them and still want the very best for them, but that moving forward everyone is going to need to find a new normal as to how they spend time with mum and dad.

At the end of this, after you and their dad have spoken with them, ask them if they want to go with their dad, if the answer is no it has to be accepted by all parties and the necessary cancellations made because this is all fresh and new for them right now it will be understandable. Other PP are also right though, the children do need to understand that moving forward they will be spending time with both of you separately and that is likely to include holidays with dad.

If you haven’t already get your oldest into counselling and begin to do some work on resilience directly yourself, it is so very very important at that age and I say that as a step mum of what is also an anxious 12 year old who has been through something similar recently (not with his dad I might add) 12 seems to be a difficult age where things are shifting and changing for them already so significant changes they can’t control are more difficult I believe, but we can also support them and teach them important things about life during this time.

I hope you have cancelled.
Not a chance that loser would be trusted with your children and no way should you put yourself through going.
He is some waster OP.
Mind yourself.

If I was about to start divorce proceedings there is no chance my children would be going abroad to stay with STBX family. No way at all.

Why? He’s still their dad

After staying out all night with a female?

Good question. I mean they're not the children's STBX family - they will always be the children's family.
In all honesty, and I don't think op will be back, I couldn't go. I would let the children go with their father, I wonder if the DC are telling the dad and grandma that they don't want to go? Or only saying this to OP (which is understandable).

I’d worry about an international custody dispute.

Do his parents know that the two of you are getting divorced? I would guess that they are expecting and looking forward to having the children come along on the trip and he doesn't want/can't handle the responsibility of solo parenting for twelve days, even with family help. The idea that you go on the trip and do all the parenting (except occasional little fun bits) while he parties with sis is taking the piss. IF you go (and I wouldn't; you obviously don't want to go and it's not fair to you when the breakup is still so raw) then he should have the children stay with him and you stay nearby and join for the fun daily activities.

... even together he has been a up and down dad he is involved in a hobby which leads to a lot of evenings and weekends out of the house and likes socialising and drinking when he wants so I have always done the majority of the parenting. If he's not a total waste case, this part is going to have to change, fast: he can plan ahead and arrange to do his hobby and drink on the days he doesn't have his children with him. He HASN'T been a good dad, but I hope for everyone's sake he'll star. I'd do everything to encourage the children to start seeing him as every bit as much their parent as you are and to learn to spend time alone with them, but it's not going to be a seamless or painless process. His learning is his responsibility, you can't force it.

You kicked him out, so I think he's being perfectly reasonable to be done with relationship. He had already announced that he was done with the relationship, yet was still living in the family house treating it like a fresher dorm and wife and pre-teen children as roommates. It's hard to see a convincing "poor ickle hims" angle here.