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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never ever ever go to Mothers & Toddlers again, even though I am meant to be the group leader

45 replies

rookiemater · 21/04/2008 15:07

Ok bear with me on this one as I know I am being a bit unreasonable but I need a bit of general sympathy.

Last term our M&T needed a new leader. I work 4 days a week so was thinking that it should definitely not be me, but then didn't realise that some people had done it before and that someone else was treasurer and as no one else volunteered I offered to do it.

Part of the reasons I did it is because there are lots of Monday holidays this term. Last week someone dropped out of the rota for coffee so guess who spent her morning in the kitchen not seeing her DS for the entire session ? Ok fair enough as the lady had a really good reason and she will do another session later on. There also seems to be a few people who are a bit reluctant to get involved in the tidying of toys and some who have to go to do school and nursery drop offs so its usually a small and faithful bunch that do the work.

This Monday I was quite pleased as it wasn't on, due to an odd holiday, had told everyone last week and there is a message board that gives all the dates that its on.Get a phone call from one of the Mums saying she is at the church hall and the message board says its on. I explain that I go by the sheet given to me by the committee and she gets a bit shirty, saying that we should have had a note with the dates on it. Now this is someone that I like and think is a nice person, she is right, I should have handed out notes with the dates on it, but didn't think of it.

I know I'm being petty but a large part of me just wants to turn my back on the whole thing and never go again. However I will limp on and keep going until the end of term , oh and get notes with the dates that its on. I know for some people, particularly if they are not working or have more than one child M&T is a bit of a life line, but
I'm a bit upset as I don't like to get snapped at, particularly when I think that we can all keep a note of when its on and I can't control when the holidays are.

OP posts:

bran · 21/04/2008 15:12

Say "Yes, you are right there should be a sheet with dates on handed out. Here's a copy of the dates, I'll leave it with you to sort out. That's very kind of you."

GooseyLoosey · 21/04/2008 15:16

Notes with dates on? Good God, no, everyone surely knows that M&Ts are run on an informal voluntary basis. Good idea to have a notice in the hall where you have it but nothing more.

Everyone I know involved in the running of them hates it but I for one was always profoundly grateful.

If someone does not turn up to make coffee, then everyone for themselves except for new people.

M&T leader does not mean dogsbody who steps in when no one else wants to, it means someone who coordinates what everyone does.

Original poster

rookiemater · 21/04/2008 15:20

Thanks GooseyLoosey and Bran. Reading over it I do seem a bit pathetic, but I'm busy enough at work and I feel really annoyed that I'm getting aggro for something so trivial, particularly as if anyone else had wanted to take over they had plenty of opportunity to volunteer and I only did so at the end of the session because I felt sorry for the previous leader.

OP posts:

lazybum · 21/04/2008 16:36

You are doing this for no pay,
The mum had no right to get shirty as for the dates it was an oversight but their is no training course etc etc.So why would you think of handing out notes with dates.Cant they check the message board

What about a thanks for taking the group

Blandmum · 21/04/2008 16:42

I felt the same way when I gave up in the end.

I used to flog my guts out on a twice weekly basis, setting out the twoys, sorting the drinks and putting the stuff away and on the last time I went a woman just sat next to me and bitched about how badly I had set up the toys .
At which point I thought 'Fuck it' and quit.

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 16:42

Sending LOTS of sympathy from a previously abused M&T group organiser .

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 16:44

But why do we always end up feeling this way. I nearly lost two friends over running M&T groups . Thankfully we are very open and talk to each other about it, but it really nearly spoilt things and why people can't help one week in eight is beyond me .....

Fimbo · 21/04/2008 16:47

Sympathy from me too - another been there got the t-shirt here.

It's the most thankless task ever.

After I had left, the lady who took over actually had some-one come round and bang on her door and demand she opened up (was a holiday).

Blandmum · 21/04/2008 16:49

I think because people often forget that it is voluntary work and they start to see it as a 'service'.

I worked on the committee at another M and T group and there was far less of this problem, in part because we had a fairly strict rota to cover the different 'jobs' and you were expected to do your bit (obv not if you had just given birth etc , people were sensible)

But it did serve to remind everyone that we were all responsible and that it was no one persons job to do everything.

And to be honest it also made it easier to make friend, you'd have to chat as you did the washing up etc

Fimbo · 21/04/2008 16:49

I did lose a friend VP over it. Her ds and my ds are likely to be in the same class come September and it is going to be very very awkward. Things went way past possibly making up.

saltire · 21/04/2008 16:50

WRT the tea and drinks thing, what I did when I ran an M&T group at a base I lived on was this. Laminate a whole lot of cards saying things like "make teas and coffees", "organise snacks for children", "wash dishes" etc, the tea and coffee ones we made about 4, the wash up,2 etc. At the start of each session I (or the deputy chairperson) went round each mum and asked them to take a card. Their job for the day was whatever was written on the card. Why not just print off a quick poster detailing dates, and phone numbers of all the committee, and then pin it up inside the hall, so people can see what is happening.
I enjoyed running the mums and tots, but then the RAF shot themselves in the foot!

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 16:52

I think you have told me about that before Fimbo on one of my M&T complaining threads.
The building we are in was to be sold. We asked the 20+ members for their choice of new venue from a shortlist we had created. We had three responses .

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 16:54

Saltire, that is a really good idea....
We are moving to a venue that will not allow hot drinks so there may not be any jobs for people to do .
Our committee are now very united but all want to quit .....

saltire · 21/04/2008 16:57

I gave up when I started getting verbal abuse on the street

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 16:58

What Saltire ??? And this was the RAF group. *kin hell.

Troutpout · 21/04/2008 17:01

ooh much sympathy
sadly it's like any of those roles that you take on thinking you are doing people a favour. For some reason people seem to forget that you are just the same as them (a mum doing her bit for the good of all the mums there) and begin to expect a 'service'
I agree with Bran totally...i used to chair a playgroup committee and used to get people turn up once in a blue moon just to criticise or tell us how it all ought to be done. As soon as you then turn the tables and ask them if they would like to do the very thing they are spouting off about, they shut up.
It is essentially a thankless task
Do it for as long as you can bear and then quit before you get too bitter and twisted ( lol like me! )

Blandmum · 21/04/2008 17:02

Blimey Saltire, that is awful. The worst I ever got was a 30 minute long tirade of abuse about how vile officers wives are

And I remember thinking, 'but you'll still drink the tea I farkin well made for you'. Some people are just bloody obnoxious

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 17:02

Do we all leave bitter and twisted though . I am beginning to think it is inevitable .

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 17:03

MB. How bloody rude!

Blandmum · 21/04/2008 17:04

Not sure if she knew what rank dh was or not (not that it bloody mattered to me, but she had a feather up her arse about it!)

But either way it was rude

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 17:06

It doesn't actually matter that your dh is an officer though does it? To utter a tirade of such stupidity to someone they obv didn't know is vile.

FWIW all the officers wives I have encountered have been very nearly normal .

saltire · 21/04/2008 17:07

Yes it was an RAF group - to begin with. Then teh tossers MOD sold off a lot of the houses. We were told we had to allow civilians into the M7Ts group, otherwise it would be closed down, becasue "the civilains have no facilites here".
However, due to fire regulations, we were only allowed 12 adults and ctheir children in. The civilians soon cottoned onto this, adn becasue it was first come first served basis, they would be queing up at 8.30 to get in.
Things came to a head one day when 1 woman was opening up (only service spouses could do that), she had severe PND and her DH was int he Balkans. She used the M&T group as a source of support as many of had been in a similar situation.
She called me in tears to say that no service wives ahd been able to get in, as the civilians were all first int eh queue,a dn they ahd been slagging off the military and sying that it served servicemen right if they got killed. She was in a hell of a state. I went round and asked them all to leave, then the following day the DH of one of them gave me all sorts of verbal abuse. Did the RAF do anything, did they fuck!
I shouldn't have shut it according to them, as the poor women ahd nowhere to go.

Blandmum · 21/04/2008 17:08

Just like any other group of people some are fab, some are all right, and some are barking mad.

I once helped out in a HIVE (info centre) was great friends with one woman until she found out that dh was an officer. She never spoke to me again!

(happens the other way too, with officers wives doing the nasty)

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 17:11

OMG, this is horrendous!

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 17:14

(DH tells me off as I always end up making good friends with people who turn out to be officers wives and then he used to feel unable to socialise with them .)

The M&T thing bugs me alot though. We have been trying to save the group and the people who attend haven't seemed bothered. It is a village group, but well attended....

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