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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To never ever ever go to Mothers & Toddlers again, even though I am meant to be the group leader

45 replies

rookiemater · 21/04/2008 15:07

Ok bear with me on this one as I know I am being a bit unreasonable but I need a bit of general sympathy.

Last term our M&T needed a new leader. I work 4 days a week so was thinking that it should definitely not be me, but then didn't realise that some people had done it before and that someone else was treasurer and as no one else volunteered I offered to do it.

Part of the reasons I did it is because there are lots of Monday holidays this term. Last week someone dropped out of the rota for coffee so guess who spent her morning in the kitchen not seeing her DS for the entire session ? Ok fair enough as the lady had a really good reason and she will do another session later on. There also seems to be a few people who are a bit reluctant to get involved in the tidying of toys and some who have to go to do school and nursery drop offs so its usually a small and faithful bunch that do the work.

This Monday I was quite pleased as it wasn't on, due to an odd holiday, had told everyone last week and there is a message board that gives all the dates that its on.Get a phone call from one of the Mums saying she is at the church hall and the message board says its on. I explain that I go by the sheet given to me by the committee and she gets a bit shirty, saying that we should have had a note with the dates on it. Now this is someone that I like and think is a nice person, she is right, I should have handed out notes with the dates on it, but didn't think of it.

I know I'm being petty but a large part of me just wants to turn my back on the whole thing and never go again. However I will limp on and keep going until the end of term , oh and get notes with the dates that its on. I know for some people, particularly if they are not working or have more than one child M&T is a bit of a life line, but
I'm a bit upset as I don't like to get snapped at, particularly when I think that we can all keep a note of when its on and I can't control when the holidays are.

OP posts:

katwith3kittens · 21/04/2008 17:15

I've not been to M&T for nearly 5 years now and funnily enough I havent missed it.

I've been thinking I might give it ago this term as DS2 is now up and about and would probably like it .... but your post has made me think again

Aaahhh the horrors ..

EmmyLou · 21/04/2008 17:15

I ran our M&T group for a couple of years but it was a paid role - not much, but the committee insisted on paying me and another mum who ran the kitchen. Historically, it had been run as a spin off of the local Playgroup and carried on in the same way after playgroup moved up to the school to be run as a pre-school.

It did mean that fund raising became quite important as we were lucky to break even after village hall rent, insurance, wages etc. But as a system, it avoided people feeling exploited and over-burdened.

lazybum · 21/04/2008 17:19

Did it for 2 LONG years never again
Mums have all these good ideas what you should or shouldnt do but wont do any of it.Just moan,
Its a THANKLESS JOB

Fimbo · 21/04/2008 17:34

OMG Saltire and MB that is awful.

I had a feeling VP I may have mentioned it before (probably on more than one occasion!).

We tried to do a rota for teas and coffees but it still didn't work.

A lot of our regulars were childminders and they wouldn't take a turn because they couldn't leave their mindees. Surely they must leave them at home though when they go to the loo etc.

Original poster

rookiemater · 21/04/2008 18:03

Thanks saltire for the suggestions and for every one elses comments, glad to know I am not the only one bitter and scarred from the process.

We do have a tea & coffee rota and the idea is that however is on these arrives 15 minutes early to do set up as well. however when I pointed this out to one Mum, she laughed at me and said, oh well that will mean I will be up at 6.00 am, which considering we start at 10.00am left me a bit .

There are some lovely people there and this mum is usually really nice as well, she must just have been having a bad day.

OP posts:

Original poster

rookiemater · 21/04/2008 18:07

Oh yes there is someone who has left now so I can moan about her. Two of us managed to get through snow to get there and set up ( this is before I was in charge),she arrives at 10.10am and says "OOO there aren't many toys out, my Ds likes to play with lots of toys" I, very politely and restrainedly, pointed out the cupboard whence forth the toys came and suggested that she could take more out but due to the weather we weren't sure how many children would make it. She made no move to get any more toys out or indeed tidy any away.

OP posts:

VanillaPumpkin · 21/04/2008 18:57

We didn't get a certain toy out one week and one of our Mums sulked. Her dd was fine about it .

madmuggle · 21/04/2008 23:43

Maybe this should be a support group for M&T survivors?

My name's madmuggle, and I survived!

PinkTulips · 21/04/2008 23:55

holy god.... how formal is this M&T?!

rota for tea? in our one whoever thinks of it first does the tea! and it runs the same holidays as schools, so if the schools are empty you know toddler group isn't on, lol

i wouldn't go back to a group like that either, how much handholding do grown women need, it's supposed to be a chance for a chat and a cuppa while the kids have fun.... not a formal tea party!

madmuggle · 22/04/2008 01:57

You've obviously got a good bunch of people going to yours then, cherish them

We disbanded ours after myself and a friend ended up doing absolutely everything all the time. It got to the point where we were both exhausted. My friend started working the day we had the group, and as my pregnancy progressed I physically couldn't lift the big slide and put away the giant wooden climbing frame. It sucked. Well out of it now, although wherever I go I make sure to help put some stuff away. Old habits die hard

VanillaPumpkin · 22/04/2008 10:11

I agree Pink Tulips, you are very lucky and in an unusual position.
We ask for two people to open up (getting there half an hour before to set up). It is always me and mostly one of the other committee members, we ask for one/two people to do drinks and two to wash up. Again it only ever seems to be the few committee members. Everyone is supposed to pack away and then the hall needs to be swept. I have rarely seen anyone sweep apart from me.
The rota sheet is empty. If there is a gap I or the other lady who sets up with me seem to do the job. It can grind you down after two years to the point I accused my friends of taking advantage of me and nearly lost them. Thankfully we talked it all through and moved onwards and I don't feel as though I am running the group any more. I never spend any time with my dd while we are there though.
Our committee is now very united and supportive of each other, but we all want to leave partly because of the way other members treat the place......

laundrylover · 22/04/2008 10:35

I'm the secretary of our group and seem to have landed myself with responsibilty for Friday group too. My top tips are:

Bang out a quick newsletter every term with dates/events/news and a general reminder about how it is voluntary and people have to pull their weight etc. I think until your eldest hits preschool the concept of school hols is an unknown so people do need to be reminded of term times.

We have a blackboard to sign up for snacks/washing up/hoovering prominantly displayed on the sign in/pay counter. At snack time I highlight the gaps and pointedly stare at lazy parents until they volunteer!!

This year we have signed up a Grandad as a committee member and it's the best thing we've ever done. He opens up both sessions, doesn't have a child hanging off him, is lovely and fab and is also the treasurer. He also finishes off in the kitchen and locks up whilst I do song time and run like crazy to pick DD1 up at 11.30am. Every Tots group should have one!!!

Get some Dads to come along as they are often happy to escape the women folk and hide in the kitchen making toast!

We've had a couple of nights out which have been great for getting people involved - even better if you have an hour of toy cleaning and then of for a curry.

Always remember that you won't be there forever - as your kids get bigger you have the joys of the PTA to look forward to.

Blandmum · 22/04/2008 10:46

Pink tulips, you were lucky to have such active members.

In all the M and T groups I have gone to, and I've used 4 different ones there has been a 'hard core' of users who will not do anything to help, and will only sit and whinge. If we didn't have a rota, the same people would be doing everything every week

VanillaPumpkin · 22/04/2008 10:50

Yes, this is my fourth group and they are all the same it seems .
I just know they all think I am a busybody too.....

posieflump · 22/04/2008 10:52

The ones I go to are run by friendly old dears in the local church hall. One is even run by the vicar himself! they provide refreshments and wash up and we pay our £1 and some of us help tidy away the toys.
The best one i went to was run by a surestart worker who was paid to be there and didn't harrumph everytime someone asked for coffee instead of tea!

VanillaPumpkin · 22/04/2008 11:33

Careful Posie, it is us you are accusing of hurrumphing there ...

laundrylover · 22/04/2008 13:35

When people sign in first thing they tick tea or coffee/juice or water and put how many pieces of toast they wish to scoff...there is still lots of harumphing goes on though. We recently introduced decaff coffee and made life all the more difficult for ourselves.

VanillaPumpkin · 22/04/2008 16:17

Yes we have a tick sheet for drinks too. I have just discovered that our insurance has expired ....

Original poster

rookiemater · 22/04/2008 20:34

Oh I'm glad to see more comments on this, and I suppose its useful to know that people are all the same the world over. The friendly grandad idea sounds good, we do have one for santa gift handing out so maybe we could just keep him in the suit for the rest of the year.

I'd just like to put a disclaimer on my OP just in case anyone from the group can recognise me as I have been feeling a bit worried about this today.

Rookiematers official disclaimer :

I do like everyone in my group and there are some folk that do loads and loads, and I know it is my own stupid fault for volunteering when I didn't really want to do it.

Rookiemater now slinks off wondering if she can buy a back bone somewhere.

OP posts:

ranting · 22/04/2008 20:56

Get out while you still can!
Reading this has made me wonder if you've all attended the M&T group I was on the committee for. And is it an unwritten rule that the less you do the more you whinge, we had a real moaner attend ours, after one morning of helping the (heavily pg) chair set up and then making the coffee, I completely lost it when I heard her say 'You know McToddlers is a much better M&T group, they're so much more organised'. To which I replied, 'well if you want to help organise, we won't stand in your way....love'.

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