Can an abuser change?

[Cupofteaformeee]

I’m making a plan to leave STBEXH after years of emotional abuse and verbal abuse/threats of violence. All my trust in him is gone. However in recent years the verbal abuse has mostly stopped, he’s stopped name calling in arguments (I can see him go to call me a name but then he stops himself) Apart from a couple of bad fights per year, day to day he is reasonable, “caring”, affectionate, generous with money, makes a big fuss on my birthday and at Christmas, tells me how much he fancies me and how beautiful I am. If anyone could see him now they would think that he was the perfect husband and there’s no way they would believe what he was capable of.

Has anyone been in a similar position? I told him it was over in June and he’s been the “perfect husband” ever since.

He wont have changed, he will have paused in the hopes that you have these thoughts and stay with him. What work has he actually put into himself to make improvements other than not calling you names?

You dont trust him, it cant work

Won’t have changed - just masking the behaviour.

I think he can only change if he's open and honest about wh as t he's done wrong and what he's changed and probably got professional help too. Knowing he would have called you a name and stopped himself doesn't sound great, sometimes can be as bad as actually calling it you. I'd say he's seeing if he can control you to save the relationship, but what do you want? Even if someone is wonderful and never abusive doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them if it's not right for you

Normalising a "couple of bad fights per year" sounds like you are starting to accept behaviour which is totally unacceptable

I stopped XH#1 hitting me by leaving him for a couple of days - it was a strategic 'leaving' and it worked, to all appearances. Like you, I'd see him building up steam and give him a warning look.

I didn't realise until much later that he continued abusing me, just in different ways. Coercive control, gaslighting, etc. When we eventually split up (due to his cheating) we cohabited quite peacefully for several months. Then, on my last night, he tried to kill me. It came out of nowhere, I was asleep!

The point of telling you this story is that abusers don't change their underlying attitudes and beliefs, they only change the way they express them. I'm sure someone can change if they do a ton of really deep therapy - but I'll point out that Lundy Bancroft originally worked with male perpetrators. He gave it up as a lost cause, finding abuse victims more open to learning and changing.

No. They can't and they don't.

The last big fight we had was a bad one and did result in him saying that I was vile, rotten on the inside etc. I posted about this on here as he was awful on Fathers Day and refused to open his children’s gifts and cards and tried to continue the fight instead, I begged him to stop for the children’s sake.

A few fights since with him saying I do nothing for nobody ( I’m a carer for our disabled son) rely on him for everything etc.

Nope - he just realises you might leave and is trying to snare you back in. The mask will slip again pretty soon.

Nope, my ex H was abusive to me and the kids. He’s now with the love of his life, who he’s knows since childhood and she’s now getting the same treatment as I did. 🤷‍♀️

Nothing unfortunately. He claims that he explodes in the moment and says “stupid shit” but then is happy and singing a few minutes later. He’s admitted to being “explosive” but defends it by saying that everyone says stuff to hurt the other person in a fight and his family spoke that way to each other.

He also says I give as good as I get etc.

People can change. But only if they really put work into it; psychological help, courses, therapy. Proper reflection, intervention, concerted effort. It sounds as though your husband is just masking his behaviour. That said, he obviously does want to save the marriage, so it might be worth you exploring with him what other efforts he is willing to make to sustain and embed the changes that at the moment are just superficial.

I’d see this as the “put shit behaviour on hold because she’s planning on leaving me” phase. My ex husband did the same as I’d told him we were over.
Stupidly I thought he’d changed and we stayed together. He got far worse, absolutely awful to the point I felt my life was in real danger, he went off the scale on abuse. So no, I don’t think they change.
My advice would be keep quiet about separating, plan everything then get out as quickly as possible.

Yeah I do believe it is part of the cycle of abuse. I’ve researched narcissistic personality disorder and he’s definitely a narcissist. He actually said one day that he thought he might have psychopath personality disorder but then backtracked and said that I was bound to use that information as a weapon against him in the future.

Definitely leave him - just that one argument you mention is bad enough to end a relationship over, nevermind it happens often

I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you now have peace and happiness in your life.

I do fear what he’s actually capable of. In the early days of us being together he used to “joke” about killing me, drowning me, strangling me and how his face would look blank as I struggled. He was young when we got together and I thought it was just his stupid sense of humour/ inappropriate immature behaviour.

Hadn’t seen your latest post:
“Nothing unfortunately. He claims that he explodes in the moment and says “stupid shit” but then is happy and singing a few minutes later. “

Chilling—- exactly what my ex-h did. Swearing at me, calling me everything then off singing around the house. It was a bit manic is the only description I can give.

If you stay you’ll always walk on eggshells I think.

And yes, my life got 100% better when I left. It was the best feeling ever.

There’s much worse than that argument unfortunately but it was that moment that I told him it was over. Unfortunately he’s acted like that conversation never happened and is now the perfect husband and Father.

When they learn of your thoughts/plans of leaving they will change their behaviour, either to behave well until you're feeling 'safe' again or escalate immediately. He will go back to how he was @Cupofteaformeee and I can guarantee, especially with what you've said he has said, that he will escalate once he has you where he wants you. He will also punish you for having thoughts of leaving.

Please consider contacting Women's Aid or another DV helpline - your safety is paramount, your children need you. None of you need him. You are not safe with him.

He sounds incredibly dangerous - the talk of killing you is beyond chilling. Get out, as soon as you possibly can, and do it safely. As someone said above, don't tell him in advance, just go. Contact somewhere like Womens Aid for advice on how to stay safe.

I remember having nightmares early on that he was killing me or drowning me. Our relationship moved VERY quickly and by the time I’d noticed all the red flags it was too late (I thought)

I have a Women’s Aid support worker and she’s brilliant. I’ve tried to leave before but I’ve never had a plan in place. I did plan to tell him it’s over then wait for a property to come through but now I’m going to have somewhere all set up then I can go straight away.

I’m so glad to hear that you’ve managed to leave and you are much happier now. It gives me hope for the future. Yes, the calling me everything under the sun, telling me to go and kill myself or that he’s going to kill himself then he is happy and singing a few minutes later. Chilling.

If he’s definitely a narcissist then he can’t change. He’s acting.

I've worked with abusers. The rare few that possibly did change (I can't know as obviously I wasn't in touch with them afterwards) were one's who had been "caught" early, before the abuse was really embedded. Were genuinely remorseful and ashamed and willing to really address their behaviour. Even then, we would never have recommended they return to their previous relationship. Once such a dynamic has been set between a couple, it's almost impossible to break.

The overwhelming majority still blamed their partners to varying degrees. I note where you said "He also says I give as good as I get etc". That's a classic. She shouts at me too or she hits me too is something I've heard so many times. Some men would go through the motions but you could see they would never really change.

As everyone else has said. He's just trying to reel you back in. Stay strong. It doesn't really matter if he is a narcissist or not. He's abusive and that's all you need to know. He's done nothing to address that and just wants to pretend things never happened. That isn't the way they change and he'll go back to how he was when he feels "comfortable" again.

Thank you all for your replies. The confusing thing is that he’s all over me, constantly touching me, tells me he’s obsessed with me, that he’s so in love with me, won’t leave me alone, if I’m busy cleaning or cooking he wants to kiss constantly or cuddle or touch me. Gropes me even when I tell him not too. Behaves like we are in the first few weeks/months of a relationship. Huffs when I don’t reciprocate his affection. Says I’m dead inside.

Follows me around, gazes at me like I am breathtaking with a soppy look on his face. Until he suddenly switches and I am a vile, horrible woman, evil and “no wonder no one likes me/wants to spend time with me”

It’s a head fuck.

Over the top love and affection is just a serious warning as being nasty is. Love bombing is manipulation. Seeing you as either all good or all bad is him still failing to see you as an individual human being instead of a conduit for him to get his needs met.

It's rare that people really change. When they're still clearly using emotional blackmail to get their own way, it's obvious that they haven't changed. It benefits him to keep you sweet for the moment, that's all.