AIBU to think that this isn't an okay way to deal with toddler tantrums?

[Miniope]

Needing the opinions of others as I am very close to leaving my children's dad over this.

DP and I have a 3 and 1 year old and he just can't seem to deal with them crying at all. Our 3 year old (she literally just turned 3) has not long started nursery this term. She never really used to have tantrums but since starting nursery she has been having some big ones fairly regularly, mainly when she's tired or hungry. I think this is normal development and I won't pander to her if she's demanding something (unless it's something reasonable and understandable) but I don't chastise her either because I think it's pointless. I think she needs support to learn to regulate her emotions. DP on the other hand sees this as being too soft and pandering to her. If she has a tantrums or cries loudly he will firmly and loudly tell her 'no!' or to stop. If he is holding her he will put her down on the spot in a horrible dismissive manner and walk away which just makes her more upset.

Since this has started she has also been waking a lot at night and coming into our bed. Once on our bed she will fall asleep again but often wake up screaming inconsolable. The only thing I can do is comfort her until she falls asleep again. I used to have awful nightmares that started about that age so I wonder this is the cause. DP, however, gets really annoyed and angry at this, in the last few weeks he has told her off for crying, stormed out the room to sleep on the sofa shouting at me that this is fucking ridiculous, and last night has tipped it all over the edge. She started to cry and scream, he initially was calm and got her a bottle of milk to see if it would soothe her but she continued crying saying she didn't want it. He then started to tell her off telling her that she was waking everyone up, eventually he got up and grabbed her from me sharply and carried her through to her room and dumped her there then walked away. By this point she was screaming in what sounded like sheer terror. I went straight through to her, taking the baby with me who had been woken by it all but was quite happy, he told me not to go through but I couldn't leave her like that. I ended up sleeping on her toddler floorbed with her and the baby. I know we'll need to work towards her spending the full night ij her own bed at some point and there might be some crying involved, but I don't think just grabbing her and dumping her is an okay way to do it.

He is a great dad in many other ways but it's like a switch goes off if they cry and he just can't handle it. For context, he grew up in a home with extreme domestic violence, his dad beat him and his mum on a regular basis, DP has never been violent towards us but I think it has skewed his own ability to regulate his emotions as well as his understanding of what is normal. I 100%believe he needs therapy but he refuses. We have discussed this and just end up arguing because he (and his mum) say that I'm too soft so I'm now at the point of being ready to walk because I don't want my daughters growing up being physically dumped by their dad when they are just being normal babies and toddlers. If he was prepared to go to therapy to work through it I would try but he's not.

So please tell me AIBU to think that this isn't normal or okay and could potentially be damaging to them or is he right and I'm just too soft?

Thank you for showing so much understanding. Something else I forgot to add is that in amongst all this, we have had our house on the market. We had loads of viewings before an offer was made so there was lots and lots of prepping the house to get it ready for viewings so that's something else she's been dealing with. It's a lot for an adult never mind a 3 year old who will struggle to understand what's going on with it all.

It is possible but what I find hard to understand is that I have never seen him respond this way to my DSS who has woken through the night crying and shouting for him very often and who was coming into our bed at night when he was 6 or 7. I know he's older so DP isn't holding him to physically dump him down the way he does with the little ones but he seems to be able manage his emotions with DSS. I don't know if it's an age thing, DDs cries can be really piercing in a way that an older child's aren't. It does go through you and even I struggle with it sometimes but they're children and we're the parents so you need to find an appropriate way to remain in control in the situation.

It sounds like you are both under a lot of stress.

How he deals with tantrums in the daytime - saying "no" and putting her down and walking away is a standard method dealing with them. I appreciate it's not the method you are choosing but on this aspect he's using one standard technique and you are using a different one.

It would be better for her if you both used the same one.

The night terrors are more problematic. Mine had those as well and honestly it was really difficult.

It might be helpful if you can both have a conversation about agreeing what strategy to use for both the night terrors and the tantrums. My DH and so had different ideas about parenting (all standard ways we just intuitively used different ones) so we used to agree policy that we would both stick to.

For example, he might agree that for the night terrors you will cuddle her to sleep if you try his technique on tantrums.

As a family it doesn't help anyone to have completely different strategies happening at the same time. Children respond to consistency and at the moment she isn't getting it.

That's crossed my mind but in all honesty I genuinely don't think he'd push for overnights if I said no to them until they're older because he hates being woken up so much and it would probably be easier for him not to have to deal with it. I also know that where we live court orders aren't worth the paper they're written on as DSS's mum has in the past refused to return DSS and she has actually now decided not to see him after recently keeping him again and he kept saying he wanted to come home so she says he's changed and isn't the same boy anymore. The police won't do anything and the courts would quite literally just tell her not to do it again. If it came to it I would just say that he was only getting to see them during the day regardless.

YANBU, he is not handling it well. That said I think we can all struggle to react at our best when tired and sleep deprived.

Is there a class you could go to together? A local therapist runs a class on child anxiety and helping your child regulate their emotions. You could see if there’s something similar in your area? I found it really useful! Otherwise there might be webinars.

My dd went from sleeping through at 3 to coming into us multiple times a night and wanting someone to sleep with her the whole time. Not to frighten you but it lasted 10 months and then she just stopped. No idea, we just went along with it, so I can empathise but no practical solution.

This has brought back memories for me.

My DH had a similar upbringing to yours. He responded similarly to yours. It took a lot for him to remove himself or our DC from the situation in the moment. That was a big deal in itself. Not having any experience of a dysfunctional home, I had no idea what he was dealing with and was as zero-tolerance as you seem to be.

You've had a lot to deal with. There's a lot of stress in your life. Add to that the step-child/biological child issue you have, and that you clearly think you're absolutely in the right and DH absolutely in the wrong - it's not surprising that you're thinking about leaving.

I'm not for a moment saying your DH's actions are OK. But I don't think that leaving him is necessary or would be helpful to anyone in the family. In your shoes, you and he should agree to just get through this small-child phase (which is so, so difficult, let alone with all the extra stuff you've got going on - but it will end) and take stock when you resurface. You don't think he'll do you harm: just leave it at that. Get through this. Sleep separately. In return for you dealing with the DC get him to do more of other stuff you do. Give each other all the allowances. Let as much slide as possible. Now is not the time to be seeking therapy, which is exhausting and draining at the best of times. Now is just surviving. You are confident he is a good dad in other ways, you are confident he won't do anyone any harm, you're aware that there's grey area on your side too - just be nice to each other, be patient with everyone, let things slide and get through it (both of you, not just him). You both have things you need to deal with, doing it when you are bereaved, have a step-child, a 3yo and a 1yo and are moving house is possibly the worst possible time.

You need to discuss strategies for dealing with behaviour in the calm of the day when it’s not all kicking off and be consistent. And you need to agree together your approach and stick to them as a team.

you say you’re close to leaving him over it but what would that achieve assuming he has parental rights and would get some custody arrangement where you won’t be there to supervise.

toddlers have tantrums that is totally normal parents also deal with them differently based on their preferred parent style.

It's obviously not fair for him to project his own issues onto your children and you know that, which is why you're being driven to this ultimatum.

Something needs to change and I am really glad you're sticking up for your kids here.

Hopefully your chat goes well and you can all find a way through this. Good luck OP.

I'm more team DP than team you.

Are you sure the sleeping/screaming anger isn’t at your approach? We had this argument in my house many times. Partner would drive me insane by not following the ‘procedure’ we agreed on.

me: not a single word said, child back into bed, leave room (and sit outside for a min to make sure they settle) worked 99% of the time.

Partner: talks to them, attempts to console and reason. And child would NOT go back to sleep and they would be there for 40mins 😂

😂😂😂

This genuinely made me laugh. Not because it's a ridiculous comment, if that's your approach with your own kids that's your choice, but just the tone made me laugh so thanks.

Presumably he was parenting DSS with his ex at the same age? Have you spoken to her about if it was a similar situation, or if they did something different parenting-wise?

Well to be honest I think my approach to actually getting her down for the night is better than his. I read her a story, put her into bed and give her a kiss. Sometimes I'll lie with her for a cuddle for a bit and she'll fall asleep then but often after a bit of a cuddle I'll leave her while she's still awake and she'll drift off. DP has done this a few times but is more inclined to cuddle her in her duvet in front of the TV and she falls asleep. I hate this as I don't think it's helping her to form good sleeping habits, recently because he's been home to do bedtimes this has been happening more than it would have previously so I have wondered if the TV before bed could be affecting her sleep.

He's being aggressive to your little girl because he can't manage his own emotions. She's little more than a baby, she hasn't learnt to regulate yet and she's had a big change. What's his excuse?

He is repeating his own childhood with his own daughter. Wonder if he realizes that? I would say all this shouting, grabbing and dumping is actually physical and emotional abuse and if it carried on id be rethinking the relationship so at least the children had an emotionally safe home 50% of the time instead of an unsafe one 100% of the time.

They had separated and he was living with her at that stage although he would go round to give him a bath and put him to bed at night's but wasn't there overnight. His ex has very severe mental health problems and isn't someone who you could discuss things with.

Night terror.

Ooo just for reference this wasn’t for getting them down!! They had stories etc and normal good night cuddles and what have you, this was specifically when they got back up! Just thought I’d make that clear 😂

Ask him to put himself in your 3 years olds position.

Has scary nightmare where lots of horrible things have been happening. Wakes up and cries really loudly because usually when she does that, Mummy and Daddy come quickly. Mummy helps and gives her a cuddle, but suddenly real life scary Daddy starts shouting and ranting, snatches her away from Mummy, gets manhandled and dumped in dark bedroom all alone, after being shouted at some more.

Thankfully none of mine had tantrums although my youngest was quite wilful! Not sure how I’d deal with it, probably a mixture of the two approaches. She is old enough to be told that screaming etc win;t he tolerated you can’t just ignore it.

I certainly wouldn't listen to the advice of someone (your MIL) who let her husband beat her son.

This. However, a firm no when tantruning can work wonders, but not if you rush straight in to undermine him.

You sound like a wonderful mum. Is it undoubtably a lot for a 3 year old. I'm sure its a lot for you and your husband as well. But obviously your husband is not handling everything in a way that is healthy for your family.

One would expect a parent to be more tolerant of tantrums and being woken at night by a 3-year old than a 7 year old.

You are recently bereaved and are getting used to having your step-son living with you full time but you are not losing your temper and frightening small children.

His behaviour is unacceptable in my opinion.

I don't agree that he isn't causing any harm. He is being cruel to his small daughter and is much more tolerant of his much older son waking and crying at night. It is telling that the OP thinks that if they were to separate, he actually wouldn't want any overnights with his daughter. These are not the actions of a good dad.