Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give NRP every weekend contact

56 replies

Mandy2422 · 25/09/2024 07:06

Hi,

Just after some opinions or advice please.
DS is 3 and currently see's dad weds 9-2 and Friday 12-5pm Saturday.

We're going back to court soon and he's asking for every weekend Friday-Sunday.

DS will be starting school next year and I feel that me never having a weekend with him is so unfair! I've offered EOW and the week with no weekend for dad to have DS once in the week. He's saying he can't do this as he'll be getting a job soon and how can he possibly work and have DS (yes I know everyone else manages to, me included!).

AIBU saying I'm not happy with every weekend?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 25/09/2024 08:18

Oh right so he gets the relaxing fun time with your DC and you don't? That is unreasonable and the court will not agree to it.

I'd offer him 50 50 which he won't want. Then one day in the week and EOW.

He's putting a job he doesn't yet have above the job you do have whilst you do all the hard parenting. No.

Original poster
Mandy2422 · 25/09/2024 08:20

Thanks all, honestly I've been stressing so much about this.

Job wise- yes I've been working since DS was 6 months as I had to go back to work to keep a roof over his head and dad hasn't worked in years and of course only pays £7 a week for DS (won't bring this up in court as they don't care about money- fair enough)
@Lemonadeand now you've said it that way it makes me realise just how ridiculous what he's saying is.
@SonicTheHodgeheg Distance is only about 3 miles so not far at all. Yea he doesn't believe my family matter and only his do- he's said this in court before and the judge wasn't happy at all!

OP posts:
Notmyfirsttimeinthismadhouse · 25/09/2024 08:20

Depending on your job you'll also end up financially worse off when DS starts school as you'll be the one stumping up the cost of wrap around and holiday clubs mon-thur whereas only fri will be his responsibility.

Eow and one or two weekday evenings seems best (or 50/50)

Original poster
Mandy2422 · 25/09/2024 08:24

@Notmyfirsttimeinthismadhouse I'm the only one paying for nursery at the moment anyway but looking at wrap around care the cost will be about the same but hoping I can try and change my shifts slightly once DS is at school so I can do more days just shorter hours to fit around drop off/pick up. I don't think he even thinks about the fact that I work around DS or that it's even possible. If I didn't work I could understand it more but it does get my back up when I'm the one that's been doing and paying for everything since DS was born and now he's going to get a job I'm the one that's having to work around him. So frustrating and of course something I can't say in court as it's not child focused.

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 25/09/2024 08:33

Also "he doesn't want him 50/50" - no of course he doesn't, because he wants to be there for all the fun, most likely so he can parade your son around showing everyone what an amazing, engaged dad he is, but he wants none of the hard work. Fucking unbelievable. Please don't accept this - yes, even if you have to go to court.

Original poster
Mandy2422 · 25/09/2024 08:39

@Whatafustercluck He did also tell cafcass that I'm not a good mum as I don't take her on day trips weekly and he does- believe me if I could afford a farm or soft play every week I'd do it! We do loads of free stuff like walks, the park, feeding the ducks ect. Of course cafcass said that was rubbish and doesn't make me a bad parent. He really is the typical Disney dad.

OP posts:
BrokenSushiLook · 25/09/2024 08:39

Of course you aren't bring unreasonable. If dad has him every weekend that basically means you get all the tough legwork of school (currently preschool but school soon) days and dad gets all the fun relaxed days. EOW is totally reasonable, plus up to 5 full weeks a year at mutually convenient dates for him to use hus Annual Leave for. If he doesn't want midweek that's fine but that doesn't oblige you to sacrifice your fair share of weekend.

Wishitsnows · 25/09/2024 08:43

Take the total bellend to court! Of course it's not fair on your child or you to never get a weekend together. So you do all the hard graft and pay for everything and he just gets to play at the weekends. Of course his request is unreasonable and even the court would not agree this set up. Stick to your guns and don't back down and you certainly don't need to consider his imaginary job!

Original poster
Mandy2422 · 25/09/2024 08:51

Thanks all for the reassurance I think I've just been so beat down for so long by him I just always feel like maybe I'm in the wrong.
Yes if this job happens that that's great for him but I will say this job has been 'starting' since May while I have an actual job that pays the bills, pays for my DS. A job that I've changed hours in so many times already to suit him. Hopefully the court see this as well. X

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 25/09/2024 08:51

he'll be getting a job soon

Sure he will. He's already showing the kind of can do attitude employers love.

YellowRollercoaster · 25/09/2024 09:16

It sounds like you are doing a great job Op.
You'll be fine, if you go to court just suggest some reasonable alternatives as others have said and let him look like the unreasonable one which he is.
Come back and let us know how you got on. Best of luck!

Notmyfirsttimeinthismadhouse · 25/09/2024 09:37

I suspect in reality once he starts a new relationship (or tries to start one) he'll find having a child around every weekend to be an impediment so will want to change things around.

AlleeBee · 25/09/2024 10:47

My in-laws have a good split - one parent does Mon-Wed and one does Wed-Fri, then alternative weekends.

From the kids point of view, one parent takes them to school on Wednesdays and the other picks them up, then they either switch again on a Friday or Monday.

From the parents point of view, they can organise after school clubs and play dates for their days without having to negotiate with the other parent.

Harrumphhhh · 25/09/2024 11:49

Just one more point: childcare on HIS days is HIS responsibility. You don’t need to pay for that nursery (or even arrange it). It’s his job as a parent

SonicTheHodgeheg · 25/09/2024 12:29

Every weekend with a man like this will quickly end once he starts dating and wants weekends for sex, drinking and going away.

EOW is usually the starting point for negotiations like this and if he wants longer then once dc is at school, he can have school holidays like half term or a full week or two in summer so he can take his child on holiday.

Make sure that weekends like Mothers Day are your weekends. He can have Fathers Day weekend to make it fair.

SD1978 · 25/09/2024 13:10

Nope, and taking it to court is the best thing, because it cements it. You both have the right to family time, amd both should get weekend time. You've given him options for during the week, him choosing not to take that isn't a you problem

SD1978 · 25/09/2024 13:13

And I'd also be taking a full weekend back, because you deserve to have weekends time just as much. You've offered a solution, you're being flexible, with the week day arrangement, offered a Thursday- Sunday once a fortnight scenario, now you talk back a whole weekend, and see why he is willing to compromise in his life with

Daleksatemyshed · 25/09/2024 13:54

He doesn't want the day to day grind so he's happy to leave that to you. Every other weekend or you go to court.

Original poster
Mandy2422 · 27/09/2024 15:40

Just a little update.

Went to see a solicitor yesterday and feeling so much better! She basically said what all you have said and that no court will give him full weekend every weekend. She's helped with my position statement and also told me to pop in there that I'm happy for school holidays to be 50/50 (which I'm happy with anyway). She thinks because he's saying he can't possible manage a job and a day in the week that he wont want half the holidays so that won't make him look to great in court.

OP posts:
Whyshouldicare · 27/09/2024 15:42

Yanbu. Alternate weekends is more typical.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/09/2024 18:17

Your solicitors a good one, obviously a lot of family court experience. Let your Ex show himself up in court, it will work in your favour.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 28/09/2024 12:02

Glad you're feeling reassured! He sounds like an absolute tool.

theeyeofdoe · 28/09/2024 12:05

Remember in court to concentrate on what is best for your son. So it's not good for him so not have any quality time at the weekend with you.
Focus on things you do together at the weekend that can't be done during the week when he's at school.
State that you're more than happy to offer more contact during the week.

Thfrog · 28/09/2024 12:07

Every other weekend and half of each school holiday.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/09/2024 12:29

The two main patterns seem to be:

  1. 50:50 (either week on/ week off or a three day/ four day rotation of some kind)
  2. The NRP gets EOW plus a day in the week, usually Thursday to avoid as much swapping around.

What clearly isn’t fair on anyone, and doesn’t work, is the NRP have all weekends, and the RP having all weekdays once the child is at school. That would mean the NRP gets all the quality time, all the opportunities to do something fun with the child, and does none of the hard work, which all falls to the RP.

You ex will have to think again!