Reception feud- WWYD

[Hushmental]

So sorry if this issue sounds very silly. DD started reception this year in a good( strict) school and has been struggling to make friends. She went to a different nursery so no one from her nursery is there. There seems to be groupism in her class already . Everyday she has been coming and telling she was playing alone and she asked other kids to be her friends and they said no which was heartbreaking for me! She has been crying everyday that she doesn’t want to go to school and obviously school mornings are getting difficult. Anyways we were both looking forward to a class kids bday party where whole class was invited , I thought it would be a good start for her to get some friends. Unfortunately the kid and my DD had a feud today(apparently my daughter took one of the toys without asking from the other kid which made her upset and she lashed out at DD asking her not to come to her bday party. I have no idea how to deal with this now. Do I speak to the mum and apologise or do we not go to the party?! Obviously I told my daughter how to behave, be kind and Considerate etc but everyone keeps saying no to her when she asks to play with making her feel quite frustrated and unhappy which is fuelling some of her behaviour and I don’t know how to help her.Any advice would be really appreciated
TIA

Did the five year old say you're not invited or the parent? If the child ignore them, they'll be friends again tomorrow

You still go to the party. They are 4/5 they dont get to decide who comes to the party. Use the time to chat to some of the parents and see which kids seem most likely to be friends and try to organise some meet ups.

It was the kid who told my daughter that she is not invited to the party anymore. Should I still have a discussion with the parent or just ignore and go to the party. The only reason I was keen to go to the party is for her to get some friends.

Kids that age say "you're not coming to my party" even when there isn't a party in sight! It's probably a coincidence the kid actually is having a party 🤣

Obviously go to the party and think no more of it, this isn't a feud, it's little kids squabbling like little kids do. If you're worried more generally about your child settling into school, ask if you can talk to the teacher about it and get her perspective.

Thanks for your advice. I have arranged for a meeting with her teacher .

Awww - my son started reception too this year and it is gut wrenching thinking of your precious little person not having friends to play with.

I am also a teacher and know that children this age often relay the one worst thing about their day as this is what sticks in their heads. Like a child might have a great day happily playing with a range of children but when a question is phrased like ‘what happened at school?’, they might say ‘nobody played with me’ because of one incident in the day where they felt alone. Or if someone snatched a toy, this might be the thing that sticks etc.

I think you’ll get a better understanding from the teacher and definitely still go to the party.

Sending hugs xx

Feud is a very strong word! I'd say send her to the party but also try not to get to involved with the ins and outs of her school day, the behaviour of 4 year olds is exactly that.

OP, you sound very sweet and conscientious, but this is quite ridiculous. They are 4, it’s meaningless. She’s also only been at school a few weeks. I’d also be a bit skeptical of believing she plays with no one all day. My twins will commonly say that to us but I know it’s not true as I know one of the TAs and I know other kids have reported playing with them. They are in year 2 now and said this sort of stuff since day 1. They also all have frequent bust ups with each other and it’s forgotten in a flash. Go to the party – hope you have fun.

Thanks again for all kind words and suggestion. I knew it is still early days and was waiting to ride it out. But she has been crying everyday morning refusing to get out of bed , I literally drag her from bed to get her ready on time. Someone who has been in nursery since 1.5 yrs I thought the transition would be smooth. Everyday she comes home and cries she doesn’t want to go to school and tells me someone has hit her or pushed her or were mean to her! Hence I was getting increasingly concerned. All your suggestions have been very helpful and will talk to her teacher to see how I can help her best.

Of course your DD should go to the party. Specific examples of poor behaviour by 4/5yos are best quickly forgotten by the adults involved and, as a parent, I'd be mortified if my DC was being a wee beastie and saying that sort of thing, and very upset if the other child's parent took it seriously and didn't come for that reason alone. Of course if my child was a constant pain in the arse, I'd understand, but they all have their moments at that age.

Are you sure it's the other kids and not that she's just having a difficult school transition. Definitely speak to the teacher - reception classes can be a bit noisy and boisterous but this level of violence would be unusual ime. It may be that the transition is proving tough and so your DD has a heightened perception of incidents which would otherwise be minor.

I live very close to a school and can see the youngest ones playing in the playground clearly from my upstairs windows. So many times a parent would tell me that their child had reported they had nobody to play with and were sad and lonely at school so I would go upstairs and look out during break and lunch and 9 times out of 10 the child would be playing happily, not always involved in a complex game with one other child, but running around and laughing and looking perfectly happy.

Children never report accurately what happens at school. Doesn't get any better when they get to senior school at you ask what happened at school that day and are told "nothing".

I think at that age it's just a thing children say when they're upset and you can still go to the party but I'd definitely say you need to be talking with the school so that they can support her more (or reassure you if maybe she does have friends and is just focusing on the harder parts of her day) one of my children was very anxious starting school and the teacher and deputy were so supportive and helpful.

It's a good idea that you're going to talk to her teacher, especially as she is coming home crying.
Having said that, at my infant school, we have parents coming to say little Johnny says he's always on his own at playtime and nobody wants to be his friend etc, so the teachers and TA's on playground duty (especially the ones from his class) keep an eye on him and invariably he's charging around like a loon with a handful of other kids, having a blast!
If it truly is the case that little Johnny is indeed on his own, we can try and pair him up with a buddy. There's usually plenty of children that offer to take them under their wing.
Hopefully your meeting with the teacher will put your mind at rest

Oh bless your little one! Definitely have a chat to the teacher about her loneliness to see if she can get some more support in school.

But absolutely ignore the “You’re not coming to my birthday party” comment - kids will say that to anyone (I recall my daughter saying that to me! I reminded her I was paying for it!)

OP my DD took a while to settle in as she went to a different nursery too. I was absolutely on it with the teacher to get some help for her and after about 3 weeks she had a friend (after a few false starts). All the advice about going to the parties and getting to know the other mums is very helpful.

There is a phase lots of kids go through about inviting/revoking invites to parties. Mine has just come out of it - it got very tedious!

It's as important for you as a parent to "work the playground" and make contacts with other parents, as it is for your child during the day, when it comes to forging friendships or opportunities to get together after school.

It’s not a feud, OP, it’s a spat. 4 year olds (and other children) have them all the time. Don’t dignify it with a stronger word.

My eldest had a difficult transition too, and I know how hard it is. However, as others have said, “No one plays with me,” to a 4 year old is usually “no one played with me in the 5 minutes I’m thinking about but they did for the other 45 minutes of lunch play that my memory has conveniently glossed over,”

They live moment to moment. One small thing not happening as they want overwrites the rest of the things that went well.

Take her to the party, talk to the teacher about ways to ease transition, and good luck!

”No one plays with me,” to a 4 year old is usually “no one played with me in the 5 minutes I’m thinking about but they did for the other 45 minutes of lunch play that my memory has conveniently glossed over,”

Yep, DS told me sadly in Reception that he just played with his reflection because he had nobody else to play with 😭

Turns out, he meant that on that specific occasion nobody wanted to play the specific game he wanted to play so he played it by himself, but he could have joined in with a different game with everyone else if he’d wanted to, and usually he played with plenty of other people.

☝🏼 This!

It's the most hurtful thing a 4/5yo can think to say and they use it year round. It just a coincidence that this kid actually has a party coming up soon!

😂 I'm imagining you with a spy glass compiling files on the kids and selling them on to parents 😝

At that age my DD often used to tell me she’d played with no one when actually I used to walk past the playground getting her brother from nursery and had seen her playing with a whole group of friends. At that age it usually means no one wanted to play this highly specific game with me. She also once told her best friend she was uninvited from her party after a spat about who stood where in ballet, in December, when her birthday isn’t until the summer!

It’s a good idea to check in with the teacher to see how she’s transitioning but equally I wouldn’t put too much sway in anything she’s said. And yes you still go to the party!

I never thought to monetize my spying @drivinmecrazy - I should have rented out spots at my upstairs windows so they could see for themselves!!

A kid in reception once told DD she couldn’t go to her OWN birthday party! It was the next available one to threaten her with, it’s just the go-to reception-age taunt.

It sounds like she’s struggling but it’s all so new; don’t blow minor playground spats up into a major rap beef.

My DC has said it to me too in the past!

I've also recently had "It's MY party so I can have what I want", to which I've replied, "ok do let me know when you've booked everything, paid for everything and sent all the invitations to your friends and their parents so they know where to come. Do you want a lift or are you walking there? It'll be nice for Mummy to have a break from planning parties" 😂.

They can be little sods sometimes.