Too strict on my teen

[Kkat1000]

I have a 13 year old son. We have quite a lot of fun and generally a jokey and silly family. He does Scout Explorers and a youth club in the week and after school clubs if something interests him.
He's been a good teen so far apart from a few moody days or bickering with my younger son (6 years) but they mostly get along.
We do have some rules that as a parent I stand by. I grew up in a heavily abusive and experienced inappropriate things as a child so maybe that has added to how I want to raise my children.
We use Family Link to keep track of my sons location (only really used if he's out on his bike or walking home) and also heavily limit social media. He's allowed to watch Youtube on the family laptop downstairs but not on his own computer in his bedroom. We don't allow other social media and have no plans to any time soon. We follow the film/game age ratings (so no 15s etc). We also have a set homework time after school to help him keep on top of his work (his school set a lot and very strict on detentions if not done) and he likes to have homework free weekends where possible.
He's quite a 'young' 13, still likes soft toys, loves minecraft and Pokemon etc. His bedtime is between 9.30 -10pm.

We have family game nights, go out to the cinema, have family days out, plays computer games with his dad, he hangs out with friends (mostly at home or) etc so plenty of fun too.

I was talking with my sister who also has a 13 year old but our parenting styles are completely different. Her son is allowed open access to social media, most film and game ratings etc. He's allowed out until quite late, bed between 11-12, no homework schedule or parental controls. We were talking about how our childhoods have shaped our parenting. She thinks my son should be acting more grown up, allowed access to more mature things like her son etc.
It got my wondering and doubting that maybe I'm too strict/over cautious.

If it works for you and your son isn't complaining...

It sounds like you have a lovely family life. You know your son best and can consider giving him more if he asks. My son is 13 and lives a very similar life, although we have moved his playstation into his room.

I think he might want more freedom at some point, but from experience I know my DD 14 is quite adept at getting around rules (though I think from experience she realises we don't for a reason). Her phone goes off at 10 and turns on when she's ready for school. She does have social media, which I don't like, but I think it's more important to girls especially as she has friends from other parts of the country

Sounds fine to me!

Mine are now in their 20's so social media wasn't as prevalent when they were that age, but we also only allowed computer use downstairs til they were older and had homework routines etc.

It can be hard to find the balance between letting them grow up/be independent and going totally "free range" - and it seems these days they're a bit too free range!

So her 13 year old watches as much porn and violence as he wants and is open to being groomed? I'm surprised anyone thinks that's good parenting.

Sounds like what you are doing is just right for a 13 yo. My 15 yo is lights out at 10 on a school night. Does his homework before anything else on an evening and still doesn't have completely free access online.

As long as you give him more freedom and access to SM as he gets older it all sounds okay.

Sounds very similar to us although I allow YouTube access on his iPad but it's via my account so I can check content and he's allowed to watch 15 films if we know the content is suitable, he's not super sensitive to some stuff so it's done on a film by film basis. Our bedtime is similar and whilst he does have a phone he only has WhatsApp and knows I have the right to check it at any point.
Gaming is also downstairs and not in room and no devices upstairs at night. You do you! I think your sister is too laid back.

Thanks for the replys so far. It's always reassuring that there are other parents doing similar things. I just get doubts that my own childhood might effect how I parent or how cautious I can be.
We definitely have an open dialogue if my son wanted to have other freedoms, like later bedtime, watching YouTube downstairs etc and so far does accept the rules and time/screen limits without much question. We always explain why rules are in place and not just because we are being strict.
The computer in his room is for homework and games that he plays with his dad like minecraft and stardew valley etc. Theres parental controls and youtube is blocked on the upstairs one. He knows we have the parent control on there and times etc

The world seems like a scary place sometimes for this generation of teens and mental health. I know I can't shield him forever.

Yes absolutely. when he turned 13 he asked if he could have more time out with friends and go a bit further afield. We spoke about being back on time and he was aware that we would keep an eye on the location from time to time.

Your sister sounds like a really lax parent!!

I think you are a tiny bit strict but it's not a bad thing.

My DD is 14 and I'd let her watch a 15 movie, I don't track her and she has an Instagram account (that I follow). She's a sensible child.

I feel like you might need to loosen the reigns a little as he gets older but your sister needs to learn to parent!

The only thing I would disagree with is the locator thing. I think those are quite unhealthy for children other than in really exceptional circumstances.

The rest sounds sensible to me.

All sounds perfect to me OP and similar to what we did. My eldest is now 18 and away at uni. I only wish I had the location thing still 🤣

Sorry I know this isn't the point of the thread but did you and your sister not have similar childhoods?

Your parenting style sounds fine to me.

Sounds perfect to me. I recently had 3 hours of inset training on social media, online safety, cyber bullying, grooming etc and, by the time it was over, I'd never been more thankful that I don't have children. It was genuinely terrifying and sickening. Tick Tock is the worst. It's a platform that I don't know at all but some of the things young people (and especially young boys, unfortunately) are regularly exposed to on there are horrifying. I would keep your son free from it for as long as he will let you.

We don't sit and stare at his location etc when he's out. It's more for safety and to see where he is if hes out and lost or if he's running late. There had been issues around other kids from the other secondary picking on younger kids so it was helpful to make sure he was walking home in good time and not being held up. But that's resolved so we don't really use the location. He does know it's on though and never expressed any issues with it.

I've had similar training and it's very scary the amount of things on SM that is very inappropriate for kids. The link between SM and mental wellbeing in teens is very well documented. Again, we have spoken to him about all of it and he hasn't expressed any interest in SM at the moment thankfully.

Do his friends chat on social media? It's good in theory not to allow it, but it could mean he feels a bit left out. I have teens and, like it or not, it is an important thing for them.

Yes we did. She's 5 years older so if anything I would have thought she'd be more cautious due to having our biological father around longer in her childhood. It was bad enough for me until we escaped when I was 13 years. I've always wanted to make sure my children didn't have the same exposure etc

Yes, I figured it was for safety. Does it actually make him more safe - I am skeptical.

I think though as kids grow up they need to know they are actually on their own, and no one is watching them. It's important for their development in a lot of ways.

It's only three years until he can drive, or get a job. So many kids now go away from home and are deeply anxious because they have never really had to rely on themselves, and had the opportunity to experience that they can rely entirely on themselves and be successful.

You can't learn that stuff by being told, it has to be experienced, and it's best to start with smaller steps. Like walking home from school or meeting friends.

He has whatsapp and they chat on the phone. They can also play games on a private server so only they are on there and its not open to the public or random gamers.

I guess we all react differently to things. I admire you turning your bad experience into something positive for your DS.

You're definitely right with learning for himself. It made him feel more confident in cycling further away from his usual spots knowing that if he was lost we could find him easily or help direct him. He's not a nervous child in general but it has seemed to benefit him more having the location shared than not. Of course there will be a point where we won't have location sharing on unless its something he wants.

I'm quite strict albeit not quite as strict as you. We give a little more social media but that's about it. If I were solely up to me, I'd cancel the social media! My sis on the other hand gives full access to all her children & is very relaxed. There's a year between us so we have the same childhood. I find that I'm a worrier & have had some not nice experiences that I want to protect my kids from. My sis is the sort of person who always lucks out/lands on her feet so I think her mindset is more relaxed. For example I don't let the kids stay over anywhere, abusers are usually people we know. Compared to my sis who would let her kids stay anywhere!

I completely get that. My sister just goes along with most demands my nephew makes. Not sure if its just for an easy life or maybe I just felt the childhood exposure we had more deeply.
I can't stand SM for kids. I'm not on it myself and my son only has WhatsApp for messaging friends.