Where are the fathers in these stories?

[BernardBlacksBreakfastWine]

Very sad news piece about mothers struggling to cope with their disabled children. But I couldn’t see any reference to what the fathers might be doing to help. Call me cynical, but it very much seems as if they might have fucked off at the first sign of difficulty. Then the news story becomes ‘mother abandons son’, and everyone gasps in shock.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2lnd5wj9z5o

Just a bit sick of society giving fathers a free pass.

I’ve been in this poor woman’s position, I have two children with very complex needs. No input or help from their father or his extended family yet I get guilt tripped and threatened by social services when I say I can’t manage.
One uncle was interested in having contact until he realised the extent of the disability then he ghosted me.
Why don’t social workers call up my kids uncles and grandparents, ask them to help and shame them for their atrocious behaviour.
The clincher is, the paternal grandmother actually works with disabled people and acts like she’s such a martyr and do-gooder yet utterly ignores her own disabled family member.
Disabled or not, the dads always get to walk off without a second glance , no shame, no blame.

Really sorry to hear this @theresabluebirdinmyheart I completely agree with your points.

It's just an even sadder take on the good old shaming of single mums isn't it - no one mentions the dads who are long gone, but the women picking up the pieces are villainised.

The thing that the new government could do that would make the biggest difference to struggling families is to make absent fathers pay for their children. No excuses. All the stories in the media about single mothers and on MN, I always say, 'where are the fathers and why aren't they paying?''

I don’t read this as shaming or villainising the mums. It’s shaming the system or lack thereof to support them. Arguably if the article talked about there being no support from the father, then the story becomes more about single mums not coping (again) rather than there being fuck all in place to support them.

Very sad story.

But yes I agree that the article in question isn't shaming the mums, and nor should it. YANBU that it's pretty much always the mums reaching breaking point though.

Yeah this too. Social services where I live have nothing to offer, no respite carers or respite centre, but it’s usually the first thing they ask you “have you no family to help?” Even if the only family you have is abusive, social workers still willing to place your kids with them so you end up emotionally blackmailed into carrying on despite the toll it takes on your mental health. I haven’t had a full nights sleep in 16 years, I need major surgery for my own health issue but I don’t matter. Just told to get on with it.

A couple of the quotes say “we”, which I would have read as meaning the two parents, so it’s not clear that the dads aren’t involved. Could just be an odd journalistic choice to focus exclusively on the mums.

I also thought this with the news story about the mother of the child rioter (the mother who had gone to Ibiza). Obviously she had demonstrated some fairly appalling parenting, but it was the mother who was publicly censured by a judge and reported on national media for abandoning him. Where was the father and why wasn’t his role in the boy’s upbringing mentioned?

I have long thought that children should be able to sue NRP for unpaid maintenance once they turn eighteen.

I began researching family history and one of my ancestors had been a magistrate in a rural area. There were cases of ‘bastardy’ charges (apologies for the term, but that is what was used), where men were brought up in front of the Bench on the grounds that they had impregnated a woman and not supported her. They had to pay a sum of money to defray the costs of childbirth, which had presumably been met by the parish. I think there may have been an element of the fine that went to the woman and baby, but I am not sure.

I am not sure we have moved much further forward and there are still some men (especially those who leave women who are pregnant) who could do with a turn in front of the Bench…

I remember that woman who had a child with extremely complex needs to the point where she found it difficult to find any carer who would stick around for very long. She ended up killing him and then his dad (her ex) was being interviewed all over about how sad he was. The guy was a photographer who was travelling around living his best life while his ex was the sole carer for a child with very high needs. I think she just broke.

I just despised him for that. Utterly despised him.

I don’t think the article is shaming tbh, it just showed how little support these women are getting. It’s really awful.

It's a system where Dads are given a get out of jail for free card and get to live a carefree life.

The problem is, you can't make anyone take care of someone else, even their own children. Abuse & neglect would be rife.

Honestly, apart from shaming and bullying mothers into looking after the DC, what else can be done?
(... because that is the way society seems to have chosen to deal with it)

Maybe… but that would be a very odd journalistic choice indeed. By telling the story like this, completely erasing the fathers, it perpetuates the idea that this is a problem mothers face. If the fathers are present, telling the story like this, including having that photo of four mums all lined up, suggests that it’s not a man’s problem at all.

Oh yeah - interview with him about how the child liked going to art galleries with him. Child was blind.

I read a very sad thread on here the other day from a lady whose husband was leaving and she would be left with two disabled children while he went off with a new partner .

I wondered if it's a nurturing need where the women always end up with the children . I remember thinking her life will be very difficult .

Haven't rtft my DCs pos father has no contact whatsoever. Had to go through a very long process with CMS to force him to pay maintenance too. He didn't see why he should have to pay maintenance when my son gets DLA. His entire family also cut us off when we split

And yet on threads where people are struggling with their disabled children, you always get at least one chump advising the Op to tell social services theu cant cope and to leave their child with them
It's hard having disabled children, and causes massive strains on a relationship.

Absolutely agree. Both parents should have been quoted or at least mentioned. And if these dads did f*k off at the first sign of trouble the article would have been an excellent opportunity to highlight that particular social epidemic.

What about compassion for the child she killed ?

He was a piece of shit.

This case sticks in my mind too. The poor mother and poor child.
The father was pure scum IMO.

I do have compassion for that child, of course it shouldn’t have happened, no child deserves that. The conditions where this women basically didn’t sleep had minimal support and her pos ex abandoned her to do it alone created the conditions for this. Lack of sleep is torture, she most likely had a mental break, that wasn’t her childs fault but it was the fault of a system and individuals who abandon women and leave them to do this alone.

The thread is about mums being sole carers with little support not so much about the children. If the thread had been about the children my response would have talked about that.

I think that goes without saying.

I completely agree with that point. My children are teens now and they do not have any additional needs so I know that is much easier.
When they were younger they weren't exactly neglected but they were pulled from pillar to post and not looked after to the standard I would have liked due to my job (shift work). Eg I had to get any random mum from the school to collect them sometimes if I finished work really late (no choice) then I had to repay the favour. Their dad saw them 3 days a month but wouldn't do anything useful so they missed out on things like hobbies as I couldn't get them there due to shifts.
The eldest now has a great job and his dad boasts about it and is taking the credit for how great he turned out but had they become criminals and stabbed someone that would have been deemed as my fault for "neglecting them".

Exact same here. Although I had a good relationship with his family when we split and whilst he was still having contact, but as soon as my child’s disabilities became more evident he assaulted him and then fucked off for good. Have never heard from any of his family since and whilst I suspect he’s told them that I cut contact and won’t let him see my son, given the relationships I had with them all they know damn well I wouldn’t do that without good reason (and to be clear, when he assaulted my son I told him to never come near him again and he simply said “gladly” and walked away for good - there was then police involvement) and that they could contact me themselves. But it’s been 2.5 years now and my son is finally moving forward from the trauma of it so if any of them did try to get in touch now I’d tell them where to go.

@x2boys I don't think anyone is saying they don't have compassion for the DC that was killed.

I think the point is, that the mother wouldn't have wanted to murder her child if the father was looking after them 50% of the time and she got to work/live/socialise/holiday/study/read/time not be a carer.

If the father had been a hands-on father, it's likely that child would still be alive, so doesn't he get part of the blame, not all of the sympathy?