Where are the fathers in these stories?

[BernardBlacksBreakfastWine]

Very sad news piece about mothers struggling to cope with their disabled children. But I couldn’t see any reference to what the fathers might be doing to help. Call me cynical, but it very much seems as if they might have fucked off at the first sign of difficulty. Then the news story becomes ‘mother abandons son’, and everyone gasps in shock.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c2lnd5wj9z5o

Just a bit sick of society giving fathers a free pass.

I don’t understand the families of these men either. If I had a son and he abandoned a child, I’d be fucking livid. I’d be there, offering help to my grandchild or my niece or nephew.

I’m sorry for all of you who are doing this alone 💐

Society and the women involved. A lot of people allow fathers to be optional to parenting and too many women are still procreating with terrible men.

(Also some maybe older solo mothers by choice - 2 reasons I decided against this route: increased risk of disabilities and it being too hard to parent alone.)

Why would social workers call up uncles and grandparents who were not involved in the decision to procreate?

This.
DH and I argue more now than ever before. We have one with extreme complex needs and one with less complex needs (and one NT).
I have to be honest there have been times when we've both thought about walking away. In the main though it's mum's who are left with the kids while dad's walk away and that's not right.
I've had people on here suggest I ask for respite care from SS. It doesn't exist, not even in a large city.

Re: the Ibiza mom I think it was fair to focus on her if she is the only parent. They even mentioned the uncle which likely means the father is unknown.

Because all women are good for is raising children don't you know. And kittens. I am sure that all the menfolk are off doing important men things. Much more important.

@BadSkiingMum , I'm ashamed to admit, you have pointed out to me "where is his father" in the case of the mum going to Ibiza, when i hadn't even thought that myself. And i dont know why i didn't think it. I should have thought that immediately.
I guess ive went along with the media conditioning of single mums/absent dads, more than i realised.
Thank you for waking me up.

Why does anyone bother with any grandchildren then?

The people with a loving partner sharing the load tend to be struggling less and make less dramatic new stories so you won't read about them much.

I don't see it as a "mum abandons kid" story at all. I read it as four mums who got so desperate they've had to take drastic action and are being brave enough to explain why in the hopes something will change.

There was a thread about the Ibiza mother, and it turned out that the father was serving a long jail sentence, which clearly is another form of abandonment, but explains why the judge didn't specifically call him out for non-attendance on that day.

I thought exactly the same thing when I read it this morning, OP.

It sounds incredibly difficult for the children’s mothers and also the professionals tasked with continuing to provide the services with ever shrinking resources. There are no winners in the situations outlined in the article. I do wonder why the fathers’ responsibilities seem to have been left out of the articles altogether though. It’s a bit of a mystery and imo at very least an example of poor journalism by the BBC.

it also struck me as an invasion of the children’s privacy to have their photos used in the BBC article. I wonder if they consented for them to be used.

I came on to say this. It haunts me.and why the dad wasn’t pulled up in why he didn’t care for his son 50/50.
i despise him so much. And the press who didn’t question him as to why he didn’t put his life on hold to make sure he fulfilled his parenting duties.

Please don't blame women for men's terrible behaviour.

I thought that too. Where was the dad in that case?

But tbh I've come to the conclusion that many women and children are better off without inadequate men in their lives. Men who aren't engaged and don't want to step up are often pathetic, whiny and potentially aggressive and just end up making more work for their partners. Not everyone has the capacity to adult well and face their responsibilities.

Shame them, yes, but rather than forcing them to help unwillingly, we need to provide more financial resources and professional care for these families.

Absolutely this. So many kids could be lifted out of poverty if we had the political will to enforce child maintenance. They manage it with council tax and VAT so it can be done.

Social care funding was massively decreased under the conservatives. I work in social care and seeing the fallout from conservative underfunding has been like watching a slow serious car crash. Local Authorities met less and less EHCPs, with families struggling beyond belief.

I am not blaming women for men’s terrible behaviour I am blaming women for their own choice to select a terrible man to procreate with (in the circumstances in which that occurs - which, in the case of absent fathers happens a lot).

There are a ton of fatherless homes in my community and most of the time Stevie Wonder could have seen that was going to happen. Even now my oldest niece is raising her daughter with very little input from the father and the only thing I am shocked by is why people are shocked. It was obvious that was going to happen and I realised that after seeing his photo (never mind meeting him.)

I do find I have next to no sympathy for men like this. Who pop up to tell the press how devastated they are by the death of a child at the hands of its primary carer and typically her new partner but my first question is “but where were you?”

Also this.

Dh and I are similar, exacerbated by different parenting styles. In our case, and I suspect many others, I've found it easier (but not easy) to accept that dd needs a different type of parenting, an understanding that her more destructive behaviours are a result of her difference and struggling to cope than wilful naughtiness. He had a very strict upbringing, so he cannot let things go and choose his battles. When he's told to fuck off dickhead by dd, he's furious and wants consequences, which invariably make things much, much worse. Parenting a nd child is often counterintuitive to the things you're told in parenting manuals. We've discussed divorce, multiple times, but I've always been clear that if that ever happens, he'll still be doing 50% of the parenting. And then I worry that he "won't do it right" with dd and end up causing more damage. I wonder how many of these single women feel the same. Mothers generally do tend to have more patience, understanding, ability to change etc.

Add into the mix that when you have a nd child, you're more likely to have at least one parent who is also nd, it makes for really challenging family dynamics. Often nd parents (especially those who are impulsive as a result of undiagnosed adhd) struggle to coparent effectively. There is a huge lack of support for parents and families trying to navigate pathways, access appropriate counselling (which more often than not costs money) and essentially deal with a really shit situation.

Divorce in our case feels like the wrong decision, for pretty much all of us. Dh and I love each other, we generally support one another (despite our different parenting styles). But boy, it's really hard sometimes and I can understand why parenting a disabled child splits up so many couples.

I don’t recall what the statistics are, but parents who have disabled children are more likely to have a relationship breakdown.
in my experience women are expected by society to be the main carer.

I have a teenage DC with complex needs and regular hospital and therapy appointments. There have been a number of times that my husband has taken DC to an appointment and the Dr or therapist will then call me to update me. It NEVER happens the other way around when I take him in. The thing that irked me the most was when his paediatrician wrote in her clinic letter that I’d been working and not taken leave during the school holiday… it felt as though she was calling me neglectful however I work part time so I was around but the bit that wound me up was that my husband and his working arrangements were not mentioned!

looking after a child with complex needs is relentless between the physical care and the high levels of admin required there are no days off.

i often think about the news story of that mother who killed her child. If I recall correctly it was during COVID when respite care had been disrupted for many families and I’m sure many were feeling that level of despair.

A lot of people allow fathers to be optional to parenting

@JHound but who allows it? Are you blaming the women?

A child with complex needs puts an enormous strain on a marriage and people are much more likely to seperate it's not a case of it being obvious a man would leave or not be up to it.

Yes, well I think that’s the idea. But unless we read beyond this and say ‘and what about the fathers?’ the idea that children are a woman’s sole responsibility persists.