To be upset when people use personal crises as excuses for poor behaviour?

[TalkNerdyToMe]

I often see people using personal crises or challenges as excuses for rude and inconsiderate behaviour. While I understand that everyone has tough times, I feel it shouldn’t be a blanket excuse for treating others poorly. AIBU to think that personal issues shouldn’t justify bad behaviour?

I think you're being unreasonable. I can understand that someone who has just lost a loved one, been diagnosed with cancer, had a miscarriage, been sacked etc may be more abrupt or less considerate than they usually are

Stiff upper lip, decorum to be maintained at all times. Never mind if your world is falling apart.

I don't think it is a 'blanket' excuse.

I think sometimes, when people are stressed and not coping and grieving and under pressure, they don't behave like they would ordinarily - and there are many factors at play. Not least of which are physiological changes that happen when under stress, that the individual can't control and will affect how they are and how they respond to others.

I had a breakdown a few years ago, due to ridiculous levels of stress. I have never felt that way before. I had no empathy for others. None. It was as much as I could do to make sure my kids had everything they needed. There was nothing left for anyone else. I'm sure I came across as abrupt, rude, dismissive etc. I fought my way back to mental health with very little external support.

You are very fortunate not to know what that's like.

It's difficult to say without some examples. A ballpark area of inconsiderate behaviour so to speak.

Agree.

I agree with you OP. When dealing with personal crisis I always seemed to withdraw into myself, not go looking for a person to release my sadness/anger/stress on. People who do this are aware of it too, it's interesting that they can be forgiven for being a bit short with the receptionist but oddly enough would manage to exchange a pleasantry with the CEO.

One of my children is currently suicidal.

if I’m a bit abrupt with people due the stress of this and they don’t understand why - tough shit. There’s only so much of me to go round.

Is that too blunt for you?

YABU for being so vague.

Personal crisis such as losing a first degree family member very recently? Or personal crisis as in broke up with "new partner" (in very deliberate inverted commas) who was actually just someone they met three weeks ago on a dating app?

Treating others poorly as in not stopping to chat to a neighbour/ not taking in a parcel or as in screaming obscenity in said neighbour's face?

Oh give over.

Most people are not looking for others to take their stress out on. It's just that when they come up against people that aren't doing their job properly (or whatever it is) they are much less well equipped to handle it well. I have two instances where this happened when I was signed off work with anxiety. One was when my son's records had been mixed in with another boys records, and they were telling me that I was wrong. They were refusing to listen to what I had to say. In normal circumstances I could have handled it much better, but I was an emotion wreck. This is not something I was seeking out - I would much rather not have had to spend three hours on phone calls getting it sorted out.

Bad behaviour is a massive category. I am generally super lovely however under immense stress my empathy bucket can be empty. Is that bad behaviour?

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you've got support in real life.

A friend of mine lost his child to suicide, and he fundraises for Papyrus, if you haven't looked into them, they help try to prevent suicide in young people, and they also support their families.

I hope you all manage to get through this together, and come out the other side stronger 💜

I find people use "family emergency" as a blanket excuse, when they either forgot or can't be bothered to do something. Most people never have a "family emergency" in their entire life, so it's a bit odd when Jane or Jim trots it out 3 times in 12 months!

I disagree as well. It’s impossible to empathetic and lovely to everyone you meet when you’re in crisis. Literally no human can do it.

What does 'family emergency' mean to you?

I think you must have a really narrow definition if you think most people don't experience one in their entire life.

do you have any examples of the types of behaviours you mean?

Usually if someone is in crisis I would use some empathy and understanding towards them.

'Most people never have a family emergency in their life' Really? Car/bike accidents, broken bones, deaths, cancer....surely these are things that will affect most people at some point in their life?

Well, I have a tonne of family crisis situations atm across various relationships.

I'm the one carrying the mental load. There's really only so much I can do & I have to manage priorities to cope.

I am hopefully remaining polite but I am fed up of explaining why I can't commit to stuff (known unknowns, eg next hospitalisation), so I don't.

People have stuff going on & there's often not a lot of support.

You’re being far too vague. No, your pet dying isn’t an excuse for mass murder? Or being recently bereaved might make you less likely to respond promptly to text messages?

We once did a stupid work course where, amongst all the corporate crap, they talked about a “capacity bucket”. Basically it’s full of all the stress in your life that you carry around. It can only carry so much and then the stress starts to overflow. It was meant to show how people can sometimes be rude because of what they’re carrying around.

No. Since becoming a single parent to a small baby seven years ago, struggling with my MH, homelessness, financial troubles etc etc - and finding that sometimes I simply do not have more to give the world, I’ve realized that you never know what someone is going through and to give everyone grace.

When I was in the absolute thick of my worst patch (single parent to a year old baby, recently separated, homeless, going back into work far sooner than planned and with horrific postnatal anxiety), I was literally white knuckling life. I missed friends weddings, birthdays, wasn’t there for them during bereavements, I had very very little tolerance for people at work that couldn’t do their jobs, couldn’t be the peacemaker I usually was with family etc etc etc

I never intentionally hurt anyone, but I wasn’t KIND, as I usually strive to be. I had no kindness, no love, no energy to give. I was pouring it all into my baby, and trying to put my life back together. Nobody knew - not even my friends - how bad things were. They all thought I’d had a baby and turned into a nightmare. Actually my life had turned into a nightmare, and the baby was the one bright spot.

My life is much better now. Albeit still,seven years on, rebuilding. And I’m back to trying to live kindly and with love and care and grace for others. And probably manage it a bit more, now I know what I know about how hard it can be, just to live, some days.

YABU. Of course it depends on the crisis and the 'bad behaviour' but this year I've had parents with medical emergencies requiring me to drop everything and therefore be flakey with friends. I've had a hospital admission for myself meaning I've had to let people down.
There is only so much one person can manage.

I do hate it when criminals in court blame everything on trauma in their lives and the judge is asked to take that into account. I actually think if it is going to be taken into account then the claims should be investigated and verified. I know someone who was in court on serious charges and blamed his offending on the death of his partner (he carried out the offences before she died) and on something else which was also definitely untrue. I couldn't believe it when I read his 'defense' in the paper!

It's not an excuse but it can be an explanation. If you're reaching breaking point and feeling unable to cope, something small really can push you over the edge!

I know what you mean, it's when people think that can literally do anything they want because they're wrapped up in their issue.

I was on the bus from the hospital once, standing room only and the bus swung around a corner and I lost my balance, it caused me to lean closer to a pushchair than I would have liked and the mother absolutely lost her shit with me. I mean screaming threats to the point other people on the bus got involved because they were worried for my safety, they knew it was clearly unintentional and I hadn't even touched the pushchair let alone the child. Maybe she had been to the hospital and had some bad news, maybe she was just like that as a person, I don't know. But she didn't know that I also had a major issue and was also on edge, but I didn't rise to her.

You never know what people are going through but it works both ways.

'I agree with you OP. When dealing with personal crisis I always seemed to withdraw into myself, not go looking for a person to release my sadness/anger/stress on. People who do this are aware of it too, it's interesting that they can be forgiven for being a bit short with the receptionist but oddly enough would manage to exchange a pleasantry with the CEO.'

What a silly post. My latest crisis - my son in ICU for a prolonged period, I'm afraid I couldn't 'retreat into myself'. I had to deal with many medical professionals and yes I was short on some occasions If they were not doing their job. I thought my son was going to die. I think smiling at a 'CEO' is a grossly idiotic thing to say I mean there is stress and then Stress.