To have failed miserably at making mum friends?

[oopslinethrough]

And I feel really bad about it. I’ve been to the groups but people seem busy or I’m not their sort of person or something … my DS wants a party but I don’t know who to invite!

My friends from a previous life have older children so I do feel very isolated and a bit down about it. Is it just me?

This is how everyone at my DC’s nursery organised parties before they were old enough to give us a list of friends. Ask their keyworker for a list of e.g. 20 friends for a party and then give the 20 invitations with those names back to nursery.

FWIW ours go to nursery miles away because we get a discount through DH’s work so I’ve made no friends through there and no one went to her primary school. 2 weeks into reception she’s loving it, has made loads of friends and I’m going for drinks with the other mums at the weekend. Hang in there!

Who did you invite last year?

I was really surprised how hard it's been to make mum friends! We had D's in Dec 19 then COVID hit so we'd only done a few newborn playground type things before everything closed.

His first nursery I didn't speak to any parents at all. Drop offs were so awful I had to just drop and run and try not to cry and at pick ups it was just rushed. He made some friends after we moved him to a local pre school setting, but it was still hard getting to know the mums.

There's a mix of full time workers, part timers (including myself) and stay at home mums. The hardest thing after actually working up to talking to people, has been working around everyone's commitments. Full time workers can only really meet at weekends but even then obviously they're fitting in other stuff. The part timers work conflicting hours. Many of the stay at home mum's I know are juggling multiple kids with multiple needs or also taking care of other family members, hence why they're not currently working. Everyone is just so stretched and it's hard to carve out time to actually do stuff.

I'm hoping to get to know some of the school mums this year (ds just started reception) but yeah it's hard when you feel a bit sidelined or you don't fit in. I think we have this idea of the close knit mum group supporting each other but the reality is very different in most cases, which can feel a bit disheartening.

Last year I was on maternity leave. There were some people from groups I got to come along and NCT friends bur they aren’t really friends now … Its been tough.

Can he tell you who he plays with? At that age I used to do that and then show the list to the nursery and ask them if there are any kids that they've missed and they were always really helpful.

Even a couple of friends will feel like a party to him at his age. My youngest has never wanted big parties, we once did a soft play party for 6 of them one year and they loved it.

It sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Take him to a play area and tell him it's a party, bring a couple of family if you can. He will have a ball.

The timing thing is definitely as issue, yes. I don't often want to do things away from kids and DH on a weekend as that's the only opportunity of quality time I get with them. I would like to meet after work for a drink locally though, but haven't found anyone to do that with.

I also think my experience is coloured by having twins. Your are put in pre-natal groups with other twin parents (understandably, to get the relevant education), but meeting up with even small groups of twin mums in almost impossible – there are very few places you can go with three women and six babies. Baby groups are very difficult too as it's very one-on-one and difficult to manage two babies by yourself with many of the activities. So any socialisation is very difficult right of the bat – which may do some damage in informing the rest of your parenting journey even though twins aren't babies forever.

During the toddler years, I definitely found less mum's asking for play dates as they generally find hanging out with young twins more chaotic (which it is!), and then when they get to school age, they probably just want to invite one twin (the twin their kid is friends with) and not the other, but then feel awkward about it so don't ask at all!

I also think as a full-time working twin mum you just come across as being insanely busy all the time, and people tend to steer clear!!

Anyway, that's my sad monologue, lol. I hope you meet some nice mums in reception!

Your four year old was born in 2020, is that correct? So your nct classes were online, there was no mother and baby groups for another year, you would have gone back to work by then and the only contact might have been a bubble of people you already knew?
And now you're blaming yourself for what lockdown did to you and your family?
He hasn't had the same opportunities as four year olds 10 years ago had because they were not available. You're starting on a back foot.

When DD was at nursery we asked her who her friends were then compared notes with the room staff to see if that was really who she played with and took it from there. Nursery gave the invitations to the relevant parents, job done. The only way we got to know any of the other nursery parents was the random party invitations.

Most of the mums I met through parent/ toddler groups and their schools when my kids were really young were more of an acquaintance rather than true mates. We didn't always have a lot in common beyond having kids the same age or in the same class and when they start getting older, we either lost touch or drifted apart. It was nice at the time to know people at local childrens' events but it's not the end of the world if you don't.
You may find you get to know some parents as your child moves up through the school. I know lots of parents to say hi to but I've only made one proper friend through my kids, and we are genuine mates rather than only having our kids to talk about. I never went out purposefully to make "mum friends". We met and just had a lot in common and happened to become friends.

@oopslinethrough going back a bit to your original issue, re the party. It really doesn't need to be a big event!

My son had his first birthday party last year when he turned 4 in December. He had 2 friends over - they played with toys and balloons, ate pizza and cake and we're done in under 3 hours. They were absolutely buzzing. We did it again for Easter - 2 friends in the garden looking for eggs, then decorating biscuits and playing with Duplo - time of their lives 🤣 Both times the mums and dads chatted very pleasantly between supervising duties.

We haven't become besties or anything, but keep in touch for things and hopefully I'll make "deeper" connections with some school mums as we go along.

Ask him who he plays with at nursery or ask the staff for a few names and just give out a handful of invites for a simple get together. It will be more than enough 🙂

For DD’s 4th birthday I just asked her who she wanted to invite and gave the invites to nursery who handed them out. I didn’t, and still don’t, know any of the parents.

Now she’s at school I do the same thing (hand invites to teacher), we don’t have a class WhatsApp and haven’t made any friends at her school, but I don’t mind after all we are all just there to drop our kids off at school!

Birthday parties in my area don't usually happen until they're in reception, the year they turn 5. The parents usually invite the whole class (30 of them) and it's a good way, in that first school year, to get to know other parents and secure some friendships.

Usually once reception starts, school mums create whatsapp groups to keep ne another updated so I wound't worry, you still have time. Not all children from nursery will end up in the same school, not in my area anyways.

Doesn’t he have a little class at nursery that he’s in? There aren’t 50 children in his class are there? Could you ask the staff to give the invitations to his little group?
Don’t beat yourself up about not making
mum friends, it‘s bloody hard!

This is what I was going to say! Surely there aren't 50 kids in one class. For DS's 4th birthday we invited his nursery class of 14. Got a list of all the email addresses from the school and sent all the parents and e-vits. Job done.

IME nursery parties involve just a couple or a few children from the nursery. Definitely not all of them! And birthday parties at 4 range from full on extravaganzas to tea and cake and free play with a couple of friends at home, maybe with a couple of quiet games like pass the parcel (in this case, feed the parents too and make it more of a mixed ages event than a traditional kids' party). You don't need to know the parents, just ask DC's key worker which children he usually likes to play with and see if he'd like to invite them. Or you could pay to take him and a couple of them to soft play or the zoo and cake afterwards. I think huge parties for preschoolers are massively overrated and they and their friends get far more out of them a year or two later.

I know - problem is, I don’t know who his friends at nursery are or who he plays with!

This has really made me think about a lot of the challenges having twins must present.

You will make lots of friends when he goes to school next year 💙

Can you ask him who he'd like to invite?

Aww thank you, I hope so. He’s hopefully going to a really nice village school.

@Josette77 i don’t tend to get an answer if I ask questions like that. Nursery is an enigma to me!

Didn't mean to take it off topic! But regardless – you aren't alone in how you feel. Can you ask the nursery staff who he likes playing with. When my twins were in nursery we had just a little party with three of the other nursery children and it was really nice.

I found it really interesting and reassuring to read @Didimum as my original NCT group was all girls … it’s hard being ‘different’ though it shouldn’t matter.

I have made friends with a couple of my daughter’s friends Mums but the children’s friendships came first. I’ve never really got the obsession on here about making Mum friends to be honest.

Oh, gosh – yes, that happens more than people might think. One of the newborn support groups U was in was 34 women, and only three boys (including my boy twin)! You couldn't have made it up. The boy mums definitely struggled to feel part of the group – there was A LOT of stereotypical girl baby chat.