Asking sister to move out

[Gardenfairy678]

Hi all

So basic summary I'm in 30s moved out with kids I work have a busy life, my sister is 22 lives with parents still, is at uni works part time, doesnt pay rent or contribute to house in anyway, Including cleaning.. does nothing. Gets her food paid for, phone, everything. My mum wraps her in cotton wall, my dad is more stern will ask her to do chores or not play music so loud etc, she has serious attitude issues, screams if she can't get her own way, slams doors, smashed her TV, has her partners stay round, argues screams with them, she has reckless and aggressive behaviour she has physically attacked me twice when in an argument. My mum is never on the same side as my dad with the parenting so if he gets annoyed at her, my mum gets annoyed at him. So my sister thinks she can get away with everything basically, she's basically like a tornado ripping through the house, my other siblings who live there can't stand her. Anyway my dad wants her to leave he said she can get a flat share or something I am of same opinion, I think she needs to experience things for herself a bit to realize how lucky she actually is?!? I know 22 is young but not when your being an actual brat and tearing the family apart which it is. If I call her out on her behaviour mum doesn't then talk to me! I've tried a gentle chat etc doesn't work she screams slams doors and all the rest ..we are all exhausted with it to be honest.

So the OP’s sister, who also has an autistic sibling, who can’t regulate their emotions, who cannot function as an adult, doesn’t read as autistic to you at all?

@LostTheMarble in this case no, she just sounds spoilt and people are enabling her.

Then you evidently don’t have as much insight into autism beyond your own experience. It should absolutely be put forward to the OP’s parents as a consideration, because if her sister is autistic then kicking her out and making her live an adult life without support will end very poorly. I’d put a bet that the OP’s mum already suspects this and that’s why she won’t kick her out. Burying head in sand won’t help either though.

@LostTheMarble you do know that people are born with autism don't you? it will of been picked up in childhood. People are too easy to label these days. Instead of taking accountability for the way they act.

Can you talk to your dad and try and get him to put a positive spin on your sister moving out when he speaks to your mum? Talk about letting her have her own freedom and more time with friends/boyfriend.
I know people say it's not your business but I disagree. It's family business and she's upsetting everyone.

Wow, you really used the word ‘label’ as an autistic person yourself? And girls historically have gone under the radar for a diagnosis if they’re high masking. In fact many high masking people are misdiagnosed because it’s entering adulthood that highlights autistic traits more, once the routine of school and expectations of ‘standing on your own two feet’ come about. There is at least one other autistic sibling in the family, there is an extremely high chance that it’s a familial condition.

I am autistic and, while my 20s were very emotionally volatile, I didn't expect my family to pay for my phone or to clean my room. There is a difference between difficulties with emotional regulation (blowing up, shouting, smashing things) and a firm belief that parents are there to look after you in adulthood and should be abused if they don't. The sister can be both autistic and a spoilt brat.
When I struggled to find common ground with my mother, I left home to live independently where I could control my environment and my stressors.

@LostTheMarble you really believe the mum suspects autism & is burying her head in the sand? thats strange.
I still feel the opinion that this 22 year old woman is a spoilt madam, the mother is enabling her behaviour and it is affecting the whole house. She needs to move out and be an adult.

You meet one autistic person and you’ve met one autistic person. The conversation is whether the OP’s parents and sister need to raise this as a possibility and support her as an autistic person rather than a ‘spoilt brat’. It’s very easy for those whose autism was recognised and supported early to call out the op’s sister’s behaviour as unacceptable because ‘they never behaved like that’. But being undiagnosed into adulthood means that (if it is the case), the sister has not had adequate support into being able to recognise how to self regulate.

Im not saying the behaviour is ok or should be put up with. Im saying if it is the case, everyone needs to go back to square one and support her from a different perspective. At the moment it’s just emotional warfare from every side.

If the only other sibling diagnosed is younger, their mum may have an inclination that the older sister is undiagnosed and possibly feels guilty that is wasn’t recognised early in the sister, or even trying to deal with it without raising it.

And it’s not strange at all. My own mother thought I was ND as a teen and did absolutely nothing about it. Outwardly said ‘I think you’re autistic’ whilst also extremely frustrated by my inability to cope at school (as were the school themselves). Some parents really don’t want to actively do anything about it if the child seems to be ‘coping’ (until they’re not of course).

Your parents should be dealing with this, not dragging other children into it!

Shockingly bad parenting. Tell Dad to stop moaning to you about it and talk to your Mum and difficult sister - the people actually involved

Do you two get along?
Do you think she sees you as attacking her? So won't respond to criticism from you in a positive way .
I think siblings trying to dictate to one another life choices or behaviour never goes well. It just leads to resentments.
It need your parents to sit down with her and have an open and Frank conversation and all get on the same page.
Until they can do that then your dad needs to stop involving you . And you will probably have more luck with your sister if you act like a sister and not another parent.

@LostTheMarble sorry to hear you had a late diagnosis.

Still haven’t. On an extremely long list for adhd and not even attempting an ASD diagnosis unless can afford to go private. Having three autistic children keeping me too busy to think about it these days, just have to muddle through as many women like me do 🤷‍♀️.

Sounds exactly like my younger sister. Same age. Solidarity. She's a spoilt brat with no consideration for anyone but herself. My mum enables her, pussyfoots around her and doesn't like to upset her so agrees to everything that is asked. We are all constantly on eggshells as the slightest thing will set her off. She dictates everything. It's a complete joke. I thought she would have grown out of it by now but she actually seems to be getting worse. I actually just avoid her now, parents issue. It's unfair on your Dad but I think you should stay out of it as she will probably come at you down the line.

Thank you all for your input, help and guidance I appreciate it. Just to clarify she's not autistic, my brother is, throughout my mum's pregnancy she was told he has down syndrome later discovered early childhood it was autism, because of this my sis also had testing with no concerns arising.

This is exactly how it is for me, we have different views on things to even if we try and have a civil conversation if you don't agree on her beliefs then she just shouts won't hear another side or opinion it's exhausting. She gets a lot of it from reading stuff online some of it not true so when you ask for context she can't give it to you.

Yes same, completely shouts you down and storms off in a rage if you disagree with her. It's exhausting.

You clearly don't know anything about autism in girls! It's very rarely picked up at all until college or university. Mine wasn't picked up until much later.
Even before the OP mentioning a sibling with autism that was my thoughts about her sister.

When was your sister tested? Most autistic girls will be told no autism at a young age but then get diagnosed at a later date because it's hard to diagnose girls.