Asking sister to move out

[Gardenfairy678]

Hi all

So basic summary I'm in 30s moved out with kids I work have a busy life, my sister is 22 lives with parents still, is at uni works part time, doesnt pay rent or contribute to house in anyway, Including cleaning.. does nothing. Gets her food paid for, phone, everything. My mum wraps her in cotton wall, my dad is more stern will ask her to do chores or not play music so loud etc, she has serious attitude issues, screams if she can't get her own way, slams doors, smashed her TV, has her partners stay round, argues screams with them, she has reckless and aggressive behaviour she has physically attacked me twice when in an argument. My mum is never on the same side as my dad with the parenting so if he gets annoyed at her, my mum gets annoyed at him. So my sister thinks she can get away with everything basically, she's basically like a tornado ripping through the house, my other siblings who live there can't stand her. Anyway my dad wants her to leave he said she can get a flat share or something I am of same opinion, I think she needs to experience things for herself a bit to realize how lucky she actually is?!? I know 22 is young but not when your being an actual brat and tearing the family apart which it is. If I call her out on her behaviour mum doesn't then talk to me! I've tried a gentle chat etc doesn't work she screams slams doors and all the rest ..we are all exhausted with it to be honest.

@Gardenfairy678 you can be a listening ear for Dad but stay out of it ‘I understand Dad but you and Mum have to sort this out’ and when you go over if it kicks off you just leave the room/keep quiet. Maybe leave and later say by text ‘sorry, I want to visit you, not get dragged into taking sides’ - if asked why, say something like ‘my view is X should be paying some rent, keeping her room tidy and respect your house/rules but it’s not for me to deal with because - I don’t live there so I would rather stay out of it’. Just shut down the discussion.

Her behavior is unusual for her age. As a previous poster said, I would question whether she might be on the spectrum considering there's another sibling who is autistic. It sounds like she gets overwhelmed. It might be worth asking you mother if it has crossed her mind.

Who is paying for things like your sister's phone, TV etc? If it's your dad, can he just stop?

I honestly don't see what you can do if your Mum won't do anything. Long shot might be if you could get your Mum alone and ask her if she is sure she is happy with the way things are. Say to her you will be happy to support your parents if they want a change but if she is happy then you will butt out.

Then you wash your hands of it to your parents saying that you're not their therapist and they have created this situation so they must find a way to deal with your sister themselves (a version of what the first reply to your query was).

You no longer want to get involved in the situation as it backfires on you whatever you do so they have to sort it out between themselves.

Go broken record and keep repeating the same suggestion back to them so that you don't get drawn into their issue.

The moving out thing isn't for you to decide. However, what is to do with you is that she physically attacked you. In which case, you call the police, surely?

22 is not young.

She's an entitled, spoilt woman.

Step away, let them figure it out.

Your dad is an adult. I all am for listening to people's problems and supporting family members, but not when they can do something about these problems and refuse to for years and years on end. At some point my ability to emotionally support someone ends, especially when it starts to harm my own well being.

I had the same with my mom. She was getting abused by my dad, but she did not want to divorce him. Complaining to me was making it managable for her, but it was making me miserable. I told her that I did not want to hear about my dad anymore. She is still with him, but doesn't talk about him to me anymore.

I imagine she is now offloading onto one of my siblings, but they are adults too and it's no longer my problem.

It's nothing to do with you. Stay out of it. It's down to your parents to kick her out. If it were me I'd remove her key and only let her in, when I'm home. I wouldn't allow her boyfriend over. She is far too comfortable and has no reason to leave, as she has everything she wants.

22 isn't young. Shes an adult. I agree with your dad she needs to move out.

I don’t agree that it’s none of the OP’s business if her younger siblings are negatively affected and nobody is standing up for them- I think it is her place to do that.

OP it is bad parenting for your dad to call his daughter to talk about problems with his other daughter and his wife.

you need to see this is dysfunctional of him. It is not acceptable for him to call you about your sister.

He is making you feel like this is your problem to fix, because he’s not treating you like his daughter.

shut down the conversations- “I don’t want to hear about sister’s behaviour. You and mum are the parents not me.” “You and mum need to sort this out, don’t include me.” Repeat repeat repeat.

and I agree with PP - your sisters behaviour does sound like someone with autism, given your other sister has been diagnosed, it could be your middle sister has just masked better, except when at home.

I’m going to put it out there at the risk of being flamed. You say one of your siblings is autistic, is there a chance she is also? Sounds like she’s having autistic meltdowns to me and if that’s the case she’s had 22 years of no adequate support in helping emotional regulation.

Sorry, others have mentioned she may be autistic as well, not read through properly (Monday morning brain).

It is not your problem to resolve because you can not resolve this problem. Only your parents can do that.

Why is ur Mum enabling her behaviour? Your Sister needs to get in the real world, at 22 she should be paying rent, paying for her own phone, food etc... and cleaning up after herself.
If she keeps making problems and causing atmosphere then she should move out shes not a child and your parents should not be putting up with her rages in their own home.
If she gets physical with anyone then the police need to be called straight away.
Sounds difficult for you and everyone involved, things need to change its untenable.

This behaviour of your sister obviously fills some need for your mother= perhaps she feels wanted, perhaps she is scared of your sister or feels guilty.
This is something your mother and father need to sort out between themselves- your father just complaining to you is only prolonging the situation

If she is also autistic, it’s little surprise she can’t deal with ‘being an adult’. And reading between the lines is not be surprised if their mum also had autistic traits, shutting down when things become overwhelming is certainly one.

Honestly, leave them to it. My DB is still at home with my DM, in his mid 40s. He absolutely takes the mick out of her. 90% of my conversations with her are her complaining about how exhausted she is doing all his cooking or washing and ironing or cleaning up his mess. Or moaning about how she’s always skint because he doesn’t contribute and eats so much. I’ve told her repeatedly to kick him out but she won’t, so I’ve told her to stop moaning about it. It’s her choice.

Of course you want to help and I can see how it affects you when your Dad rings you upset but its been proved that you can't actually DO anything so all you can do is sympathise with your Dad and make sure he is aware that (presumably) he can come to your house for a bit if its too much.
Until your Mum takes action nothing will change, just make sure that your sister never becomes your responsibility

I don't think shes autistic, shes absolutly taking liberties, not paying rent, not paying food, phone. Not cleaning up after herself. Going in to rages if she doesnt get her own way. Sounds like one spoilt madam to me!

Do you actually know anything about autism, because it sounds like you don’t.

@LostTheMarble I am autistic myself, so i know a lot about autism actually.