Family drama ...My mother has disowned me

[ThinkingUpsideDown]

I have had minimal contact with my mother for the last 7 years. She got married shortly after I moved to France and I only found out through my friend, who I was staying with at the time, who had been invited to the wedding reception. The last time I head from her was just before COVID when my grandmother (her mother) was in hospital. She called me out of the blue to say my grandmother wanted to speak to me as she was dying...she then gave the phone to her, we talked for 5 mins ( I was at work). When the phone was handed back I was immediately cut off.

I've spent a long time wondering why my mother has gone no contact. I've always been respectful and tried to help her the best I can. As a child and especially a teen I was more like the parent in our relationship.

I'm pretty confident she has a borderline personality disorder that has become worse with age.

I had a baby 6 months ago. I was sexually assaulted and fell pregnant so not planned and I am now a single mother. I reached out to my mum to tell her I was pregnant. She blanked me completely.

After the birthday old family friend travelled to visit me & my daughter. We had coffee and was lovely. She obviously knew about the relationship between my mother and I and assured me I had done nothing wrong. Apparently she gets snappy with anyone who mentions me and pretends she doesn't have a daughter. She calls her two dogs her babies. The reason apparently was because I moved out (as an adult) and that's all there was to it. The family friend has since been very supportive.

So this is the AIBU question. I feel terrible for my daughter who has no grandparents or brothers and sisters. We are a tiny family unit of just the two of us. AIBU to not trying to repair the relationship with my mother for my daughters sake.?

Don't try to rebuild something your mother doesn't want. It will cause you so much anxiety and mental space waste.

Build a family with friends and secure connections with your dd. Size of family is not the big factor the^^ quality is

No grandmother is better than a grandmother like her.

My FIL did something similar - got married without telling any of his kids, and cut contact, only getting in touch when he got cancer and wanted something bringing to the hospital after months of NC. I'm personally waiting for the day the arse gets in touch because he needs care. There was no reason given for cutting contact, he was a terrible father to them all when they were growing up so i guess it's no big loss but it still hurt dh and his siblings incredibly deeply because they'd no idea what they did.

It's all about them, not you. Whatever reason she's cut you off is because she is deficient, not you.

YANBU. I would stay well away if I were you. Your daughter is not missing out. She’s better off without a grandmother like that.

Your feelings are understandable. Particularly as you don’t have a lot of family. But I don’t think your dm could provide the kind of grandparent relationship that you would want your daughter to have.

I forgot to add one other detail which is i have a brother (age 27) who is very much under my mother's control. We had a very very close relationship but I also haven't seen him for the last 7 years. I've tried reaching out to him so many times. He occasionally gets back to me. With him the lack of contact is more because he is a grown up teenage boy who is hopeless at staying in touch, but the interference of my mother makes it really hard for us to have a relationship now.

I voted YABU- because I don’t think you should give this woman any space in your head. You can’t subject your daughter to this nonsense. It’s better to have a small and loving family than a toxic large one.

No don't go back in contact, there's a good chance she'll be in touch when old and frail expecting you to look after her. It sucks but some people are like that. Create your own "family" support network. There are good people out there with shit families just like you, a number of us realise during the path of life that friends are often better than our families

No, fill your life with better people for your daughter to be around rather than this toxic one. You wouldn't want her to be treated like you have been, would you?

Aw mate that's a rough ride you're going through, please post on here if you're ever having a bad moment.

I actually think it's better for you to keep the no contact as 'mothers' like that are more likely to destabilize you and are toxic.

Focuson yourself, your little one and don't waste time/energy on people like that - blood or not!

Absolutely not, she will be better with no grandparent than having your Mum in her life.

It sounds like you have so much to deal with and your mother could not even bother to support you or want to meet your child.

Frankly you are better off with someone like that out of your life.

I would guess that she is annoyed that you moved away and out of her control and she is 'punishing' you for doing that.

People like that are best left alone with their delusions and manipulations...

Thanks for the solidarity 🙏 I do worry that my dd will be sad and may hold it against me that she doesn't know her family. I agree that I don't want her to have my mother's toxicity in her life, but does anyone have experience on this? What impact does it have on a child? Even more so because my DD with have a father, half brother and half sister that she will not know. Sometimes I feel like I let her down before she was even born, but I am just trying to protect her. I was absolutely not in a position to have a child, but for me abortion wasn't an option. She has turned out to be the best thing in my life ten times over and I desperately want to give her the stability and love I didn't have.

Aww, you've done what you could with your mum, she's shown you what she's like. Her loss. Are you going to baby groups, that kind of thing? Build your friendship group and keep trying with your DBro. You and he should be able to have your own relationship outside of any relationship with your DM. My twins have just started to - they're 30!

Would a relationship with someone that volatile and unreasonable ever be beneficial to your daughter though? What if you put all the effort into building bridges only to see your daughter being subject to the same emotional manipulation, Fear, Obligation and Guilt?

Build up your networks with people you aren't genetically related to. Make them your 'found family'. Support your DD to make meaningful friendships and cultivate friendships with the parents of your DD's friends. Be generous with your time and effort and throw yourself wholeheartedly into your community. That will create more love for your DD than trying to change a narcissist.

You sound like a lovely mum, btw.

@Pocketfullofdogtreats Thank you! That means a lot. Yes, we have just started getting out into the world again. Baby groups have been fantastic. I had to relocate when I was pregnant so I'm just starting to build a new community. I've met some lovely mums, and overall we are very happy. Its just that I have a nagging feeling that if my DD is ever asked to draw her family at nursery or talk about 'ma famille' in french class, that she is going to feel confused or sad.

I really wouldn't bother about getting in touch, it would be a nightmare. Perhaps write everything down as you have here and file it away somewhere safe. You might feel better getting it all off your chest and equally at some stage years from now you could consider giving it to her, or discussing with her, just how you came to being estranged. It sounds like you are doing well and leaving home was the best thing you could have done.

YANBU to want to provide your DD with a family; but contact with your mother wouldn't do that. My DS is in the same boat as your DD. It is sad, but he's OK and he realises that he has been better off than he would have been in a bad relationship.

My mother cut me out of her life 5 years ago, the reasons are sketchy but mainly because I don't agree with her extreme views on conspiracy theories. She was also a pretty crappy parent to me though (she's abusive). I have two brothers that live with her, they are 34 and 27, they have never been able to do any wrong by her of course.

I have a daughter who is almost 10. It hasn't affected her at all, she asked about her the other day as I mentioned my mother in front of her (it's a not secret or anything, I've always been open and honest with her), she asked what she looked like and why we don't see her, I told her what she looked like and that we don't see her because she's not a very nice person and that was it. My daughter isn't bothered, she was more confused as she doesn't remember her but I explained it's no big thing, she's not missing out.

I am currently pregnant which my mother knows as my family have reconnected recently, I have no interest in inviting her back into my life. My life is so calm and predictable compared to what it was before. My mental health is the best it's ever been. Sometimes it upsets me that she treated my brothers so differently to me throughout my life but I'm not going to beg someone to be in my life when they have no interest in being nice to me, let alone a parental figure.

I should also add that I don't know my dad. My DP has a dad but he's not really in our DDs life other than the occasional lift to school. It makes me sadder thinking of how my nan and grandad were when I was growing up and that DD hasn't experienced the same affection but it doesn't affect DD not having grandparents that show interest.

Slightly different but I’m NC with my Dad and my daughter has asked about it on and off since she was 3 (she’s 4.5). I kept it age appropriate but explained he wasn’t very nice to me or my mum, and so we don’t see him as he might not be nice to her. As she gets older I’ll explain it as she needs to know more. You have protected your daughter from someone who sounds toxic and negative, for the betterment of you both!

Freinds are the family that we choose.
Find a lonely local old lady who would love and cherish you and your child and invest your time in her.
Seriously, don't expose your child to your toxic mother or waste your time and energy on her she is clearly got something going on you will not be able to influence.

If you buried all this pain from your mother, all the ways she’s let you down just to make a way of your dc having connections with her, mark my words, she’d hurt your child to hurt you.

been there. Got the T-shirt

you didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. You’ve got 1 job; to protect your child.

I'd make sure you have some family history written down- a family tree maybe, print out photos and make an album with captions, so that there's no mystery about it all if your dd wants to know about these things. But in terms of relationships, I would focus more on keeping that contact with your uncle going, as that sounds like it could be something that works even if at a low level.

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about
it sounds like a cliche but is true - family doesn’t have to mean blood relatives

wrt your worries about what she might draw for “her family” I have worked in nursery and reception classes and there is always a huge range of what makes a family- children only know about being loved and cared about so put your mind at rest

don’t try to reconnect with your mum because you think it’s good for your daughter

I'm so sorry that your mother has treated you like this 😔 it doesn't sound like trying to repair the relationship will work - you have done nothing wrong and the problem is her personality which won't change. I wouldn't want her in my daughter's life.

The two of you are a family and you are enough! Your daughter is loved and cared for and won't miss having an extended family. Create your own support system with close friends and neighbours. There are many many lonely older people who would love a bit of company. I think Age UK might do a 'befriending' scheme you could look into. Encourage your little one to be sociable and have her friends over to your house frequently. Family relationships are often fraught and you are by no means unusual so please don't blame yourself and feel that you have let your daughter down. You didn't choose the mother you were given, none of this is your fault 💐