Family drama ...My mother has disowned me

[ThinkingUpsideDown]

I have had minimal contact with my mother for the last 7 years. She got married shortly after I moved to France and I only found out through my friend, who I was staying with at the time, who had been invited to the wedding reception. The last time I head from her was just before COVID when my grandmother (her mother) was in hospital. She called me out of the blue to say my grandmother wanted to speak to me as she was dying...she then gave the phone to her, we talked for 5 mins ( I was at work). When the phone was handed back I was immediately cut off.

I've spent a long time wondering why my mother has gone no contact. I've always been respectful and tried to help her the best I can. As a child and especially a teen I was more like the parent in our relationship.

I'm pretty confident she has a borderline personality disorder that has become worse with age.

I had a baby 6 months ago. I was sexually assaulted and fell pregnant so not planned and I am now a single mother. I reached out to my mum to tell her I was pregnant. She blanked me completely.

After the birthday old family friend travelled to visit me & my daughter. We had coffee and was lovely. She obviously knew about the relationship between my mother and I and assured me I had done nothing wrong. Apparently she gets snappy with anyone who mentions me and pretends she doesn't have a daughter. She calls her two dogs her babies. The reason apparently was because I moved out (as an adult) and that's all there was to it. The family friend has since been very supportive.

So this is the AIBU question. I feel terrible for my daughter who has no grandparents or brothers and sisters. We are a tiny family unit of just the two of us. AIBU to not trying to repair the relationship with my mother for my daughters sake.?

Contuine to avoid her.
You and your daughter will find good genuine friends who can be extended family.

You're doing what you think is right at the time to preserve your peace and that of your child.

You're not seeking a relationship with the child's father; for similar reasons when it comes down to it; because youre preserving your own space, sanity and safety (mental and physical). Same with your mum.

You're justified in what you're doing.

We are socialised to think and feel emotionally (combined with our genetic programming) that we are always meant to have our family and parents in our lives no matter how nice or nasty they are or the consequences they bring us. That no matter the circumstances we should always try to have a relationship with them even if that knowingly brings abuse into our lives.
many people never get out of that child needing a parent thinking even many years into adulthood.

it’s absolutely not true but it takes some hard thinking to change that in our brains.

you need to take a massive massive step back and really think about the reality rather than being stuck in the emotional need and expectation of the should.

if this was any other human that you met you wouldn’t think twice about cutting yourself off from that treatment but because it’s family and your mother you feel you should keep trying and trying and wanting things to be different.
infact you should start to view her as just another human with the expectations you would hold another human to it’ll make it easier to enforce your boundaries.

you deserve peace in your life and that will only come when you let go of what you think you should have and decide to build a life in the reality rather than the dream.

im sorry you like so many people have been let down so unforgivably but I hope you can build something new and better because you deserve it.

I wasn't expecting to receive such kind and sensitive replies, especially in the AIBU corner of Mumsnet! I am very grateful. I'm aware that my situation is by no means unique, in fact it's probably quite common. In real life I know a lot of people who have disowned their parents but not the other way round. If I am honest I would say I spent close to 10 years severely affected and worried about family issues. My mental space is so much better than it has ever been and I really don't want to go back into that environment. I feel more confident now that I am making the right decision to refrain from making contact. My worries were brought on by the fact my daughter has no father/father's side of the family. It makes it harder to accept that mine is utterly useless.

Here's to NOT passing down generational trauma. Raise a glass 🥂

@tdcp Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Congratulations on your pregnancy, wishing you all the best.

Your child does not need either your family or his to be complete and is absolutely not missing anything by not having them in her life!
her father hurt you very badly and so has your mother so if anything you are being a hugely better mother protecting her from their toxic abusive influence.

You are teaching her that a person only deserves a place in her life when they are safe and appropriate to be there. That you and her are worth better than giving people space who will abuse and take from you both. You are teaching her that her worth is paramount going into adulthood and she should only give space to people who deserve one.

think forward to 20 30 40 years when she won’t let men treat her badly and won’t allow friends to take advantage or get into situations where bosses and colleagues bully her because you instilled proper boundaries and values and taught her her worth!

we are taught that family is needed and it’s a grave problem to not have them in our life but family can take various forms it doesn’t have to be the bloodline you are born into @ThinkingUpsideDown
family to her will be the people in her life growing up, the safe lovely people you expose her to and choose to share your and her life with.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Don't get in contact. Don't feel guilty about your DD.

I don't have a family situation that exactly equates to yours but I can tell you from experience that when things like personality disorder and cruel behaviour are a factor, not having that person in your life is bound to be better for you and your DD. It's hard not to have close lifelong connections, more so as an adult because children are generally adaptable and accepting, and there's a huge benefit for people who have lifelong ties - but those absolutely don't need to be blood relatives. A close friend of yours or a neighbour who cares about DD can be that person, or a friend she makes in childhood. I think you can probably best support her by doing what you can to give the best chance of those ties and nurturing the ties you have.

You sound inspirational. Trust your instincts- you are obviously a good, reflective person and a great mum. No small achievement when you’ve not experienced good parenting yourself.

Another one to say keep on doing what you're doing. You're doing the right thing.

I have no family apart from my daughter as I'm NC with my 'family' due to toxic manipulation by my DM who has hated on me since my birth. Therapist suspects borderline personality disorder too. I tried for years to get my family to like me, or even respect me, complete waste of time, my mother was controlling the narrative.

My daughter is now an adult and I can honestly say she doesn't miss or even mention family. She has me (her dad went AWOL when he remarried) and a good group of solid friends. My partner is more like a dad to her.

It's actually more common than you think to be estranged and I'd rather enjoy the peace than trauma a lot of my friends experience with family.