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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to tell my ex friend

27 replies

KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 11:38

So, background: I was in a group of six women. We met at work, and even though we gradually moved on work wise we met up regularly for meals and catch ups.
there was a bit of a falling out a few years ago between me and friend A. I have reflected on this, and a lot of her behaviour, and I now realise friend A is quite toxic. The main reason for the fall out was that I’d started dating my current partner and was happy (still am), but she had decided that I should date her brother in law and wasn’t happy that I wasn’t doing so.
The group split after this, which I was devastated about. Friend A had been friends with friend B since school. Friend B obviously took her side. I tried to stay in touch with friend C, we met up a few times, but I can see on FB that she’s spending a lot of time with friend A and B, and hasn’t been keen to meet up with me, which is sad, but I accept that.

my AIBU is… I have been in contact with friend D, who has told me that friend A was having an affair with friend B’s long term bf. Friend D found out from friend A when the bf put a stop to it, and friend A wanted some sympathy from friend D.
I know I’m not in touch with them anymore, and you can say it’s nothing to do with me, but I like friend B, and I feel she is controlled by friend A. I keep putting myself in her situation, and I would definitely want to know. I know the messenger often gets the grief, but tbh if that happens it doesn’t make much difference to me.
sorry if this is a bit complicated to read, but AIBU to tell friend B that friend A was sleeping with her bf?

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 22/09/2024 11:40

I’m always on the side of telling the wronged party - whatever the reason- they have a right to know they’re being made a fool of and massively betrayed by their ‘friend’. Light the touch paper!

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 22/09/2024 11:42

Nah leave it.

This looks like one of two things.

  1. You're expecting friend B to fall into your arms and declare you're a really good friend (unlikely to happen as she chose friend A).
  2. You're gloating because she chose friend A.

Just leave it now, they are not your friends and never will be.

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 22/09/2024 11:44

And as for friend D, she's no-one's friend.

It looks like she doesn't have the backbone to tell friend B, so she's setting you up to do it while she sits back and enjoys the fireworks display.

They all sound like a bunch of dicks to be perfectly honest.

Cardiganoutsidein · 22/09/2024 11:51

Why do you want to do this, OP?

is there an element of ‘I told you so!’ ?

( I’d totally understand that btw! I’d be very tempted)

You will probably gets lots of advice about taking the moral high ground etc etc, but I love to see toxic people get their comeuppance.

I think you need to think honestly about WHY you are doing this- do you expect the others to be friends with you as a result? Because Friend B won’t thank you for telling her, friend D may hate you for dropping her in it with A and B! What do C,E and F make of this?

frankly, if it’s purely for revenge and devilment, I’d do it! 😉 but it won’t make you friends with these people.

Original poster
KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 11:54

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 22/09/2024 11:42

Nah leave it.

This looks like one of two things.

  1. You're expecting friend B to fall into your arms and declare you're a really good friend (unlikely to happen as she chose friend A).
  2. You're gloating because she chose friend A.

Just leave it now, they are not your friends and never will be.

Yes, this is my worry. It doesn’t make any difference to me now, they are not my friends. I guess I wish I didn’t know this information, as I’d accepted the loss of the friendships, but because I would want to know this about my bf I suppose I feel she should know too. The fact that it’s friend A makes it look like I’m just trying to make trouble, and no good can come out of it really.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 22/09/2024 12:10

No move on and don't think about. It's the past.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 22/09/2024 12:12

If you tell,it'll just seem like spite. Stay out of it.

YaCannyKickYaGrannyInTheShin · 22/09/2024 12:16

KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 11:54

Yes, this is my worry. It doesn’t make any difference to me now, they are not my friends. I guess I wish I didn’t know this information, as I’d accepted the loss of the friendships, but because I would want to know this about my bf I suppose I feel she should know too. The fact that it’s friend A makes it look like I’m just trying to make trouble, and no good can come out of it really.

Show quote history

You're not 'friend' D's puppet though are you?

She told you for the very reason that she wants you to kick off the fireworks, because she's too spineless to do it herself.

Don't be her entertainment.

EmberAsh · 22/09/2024 12:17

Whilst I always think it's better to be honest, nobody will thank you for sharing this.

thursdaymurderclub · 22/09/2024 12:18

I only ever pass on information to people if i know it to be true, as in seen and witnessed with my own eyes!

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 22/09/2024 12:21

You also don't even know if it's true. Could all be fantasy on A's part. I'd stay out of it.

Trickabrick · 22/09/2024 12:22

Why would you want to insert yourself in drama that has nothing to do with you? You’d be passing on second hand information to people who have made it clear they don’t value your friendship. I’d leave well alone, I don’t see what good will come from any of this.

Spinet · 22/09/2024 12:23

There's no way you could do this without everything somehow turning to have been All Your Fault. No way at all.

DoYouReally · 22/09/2024 12:26

You don't know if it's true and have no proof. Give thus toxic crowd, you could even be set up.

None of them are good friends, to you or each other.

Stay out of their circus.

pictoosh · 22/09/2024 12:38

No no no. I know the temptation is so strong but do not cave in to it.

Original poster
KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 13:17

Yes, I don’t want to become party to their drama. My gut feeling was to tell her, but they are not my friends, and nothing good will come of it. Friend A is married, and I’m guessing she would deny it. The bf has always been a bit flirty, but I brushed it off, so I’m not totally shocked about him really. I am surprised that friend A would do that to friend B as they e known each other for so long. Friend A also likes everyone to know that it was her that introduced friend B and the bf, so whenever there’s an anniversary she wants to be congratulated!
Oh, I’m glad to be out of there really. Agree, this is not my circus. I’ll stay out of it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 13:33

Spinet · 22/09/2024 12:23

There's no way you could do this without everything somehow turning to have been All Your Fault. No way at all.

Yep, totally.

OP posts:
Cardiganoutsidein · 22/09/2024 13:56

KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 13:17

Yes, I don’t want to become party to their drama. My gut feeling was to tell her, but they are not my friends, and nothing good will come of it. Friend A is married, and I’m guessing she would deny it. The bf has always been a bit flirty, but I brushed it off, so I’m not totally shocked about him really. I am surprised that friend A would do that to friend B as they e known each other for so long. Friend A also likes everyone to know that it was her that introduced friend B and the bf, so whenever there’s an anniversary she wants to be congratulated!
Oh, I’m glad to be out of there really. Agree, this is not my circus. I’ll stay out of it all.

Friend A is a piece of work, isn’t she?

obviously wants to be centre of attention- even in other people’s relationships. Sounds like you had a lucky escape…

I’d say don’t say anything. This will all come out eventually.

If your reason for telling friend B is genuinely because you think she should know, then don’t. No good deed goes unpunished and it would only cause problems for you.

i know this is evil, but I think it only makes sense if all you want is revenge. ( and a whole load of animosity directed at you)

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/09/2024 15:48

Keep well out of this one... friend D is the one that should step up and tell B. Nothing to do with you. You aren't in this friendship group any more. You'd only be passing on second hand info. Let D sort it out.

jamtarty · 22/09/2024 15:49

You don’t know this - it’s hearsay, stay out of the drama.

AmeliaEarache · 22/09/2024 15:52

Friend D is a shit-stirring gossip.

If you told B you would look vindictive, or gloating, or both. “Look what happens when you choose the wrong friend…”

The history is irrelevant. These people aren’t in your life anymore. You don’t get involved in their soap opera lives.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 22/09/2024 15:56

I'd perhaps get in touch with friend B if you like her and miss her friendship, but I'd say absolutely nothing about friend A sleeping with her BF. Just say you were thinking about her the other day and thought you'd drop her a line to see how life was going.

Friend D should let friend B know what's been going on, because that's what friends do.

It almost sounds like a karma scenario where you will end up friends with B and D again, and A (who caused the friendship rift) will end up on her own.

OhDearMuriel · 22/09/2024 15:59

Only if you're 100% sure, then yes, because friend A is true scumbag.

Could friend D be trying to set you up?

If you're going to spill, I would do it anonymously in your case.

Josephinesnapoleon · 22/09/2024 16:03

I’m not sure I buy you’re altruistic reasoning, I think uou want to be spiteful snd cause some drama due to your fall out with a.

Original poster
KazzaBeeee · 22/09/2024 20:44

I honestly thought that was for the best for friend B, but I can see that it would just stir a pot that I don’t need to stir. I feel bad for friend B, but really she isn’t my friend anymore, so I shouldn’t get involved.
I can’t lie, I would like friend A to get caught out, but if that means I have to get involved with them again I don’t think that will be the best outcome for me. I’m actually pretty happy with my life, and I’ve moved on.
Friend D has moved away, she has separated herself from A and B. I don’t think she told me so that I would spill the beans. She told me as it was part of the reason she decided to part ways with A, there were other things that A had done and we were comparing notes. The list was quite long, and there were a few situations where she’d clearly told us different stories.
I haven’t seen D for a while, and went to visit recently. It was good to see her, and we didn’t only talk about this. I think we’ve said all we need to about these people now.
I came home from my visit with D and thought about B, and how I would feel in that situation. But I have been convinced to stay out of it.
thanks for all the opinions

OP posts:
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