Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co parenting with medical decisions

35 replies

BookArt · 22/09/2024 11:32

Need some advice so would appreciate some guidance as co parenting is... Hard!

Eldest child is 6, she's been suffering with a water infection for quite some time. At the same time she is struggling with constipation which has resulted in accidents and school saying they can't cope with it (understandably!). I told her dad I would seek support and was given antibiotics and a disimpaction regime which we have had to do before. I've taken time off work to do this.

Dad is saying that I need to tell him before I make medical decisions for the three kids. I told him my plan, sought medical advice, then followed up those messages with what the plan was. I started the meds with our daughter. I didn't hear back for two days now he says I am out of order.

Dad chooses to not go to most hospital appointments despite being fully informed. We go back to court over the kids in November. We do not have a good coparenting relationship, all communication is over an app. Doubting myself now as I'm trying to put boundaries in place. We have a court order at the moment which says I should keep him fully informed of medical info, he has the kids 4 hours a week.

So...

AIBU: Do I need take the kid to the doctors, be given medicine to support and then have dad confirm that it is okay to go ahead?

IANBU: Or do I seek medical advice, inform him in writing and then give the meds as instructed by the medical professionals?

OP posts:
AperolWhore · 22/09/2024 11:36

You do the latter. He sees the children 4 hours a week, he doesn’t get to make decisions.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/09/2024 11:37

I think not unreasonable, he has the option to go to the medical appointments and could use that opportunity to discuss any concerns directly with the professionals involved if he has worried about treatments/diagnosis (because I do appreciate there are some medical issues where parents can make a judgemental call about risks vs benefits). He’s choosing not to take that opportunity, so in his absence you make the decision based on professional advice and that’s totally fine. If he disagrees then his chance to voice that is AT the appointment, which he doesn’t want to go to.

minipie · 22/09/2024 11:39

Dad is saying that I need to tell him before I make medical decisions for the three kids. I told him my plan, sought medical advice, then followed up those messages with what the plan was.

He’s saying you need to tell him. You DID tell him. Is he saying you should have waited for him to ok it, more than 2 days?? That’s ridiculous if so.

Major medical decisions like does your child have an operation, sure, those should be made together. This kind of thing though - telling him and going ahead without his ok is absolutely fine and sensible.

amothersinstinct · 22/09/2024 11:40

4 hours per week isn't co parenting

Do the second option - raise it in court if he objects - or speak to social workers

sparkellie · 22/09/2024 11:43

You make the decision then tell him about it afterwards. Is he really suggesting you go to a doctor/hospital appointment and wait until he is up to speed before making any decisions? He chooses not to attend, he doesn't get to mess everyone around so he can try and maintain control. That is not in your childs best interests. As long as you keep him informed as per the court order you don't have to do any more.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/09/2024 11:45

4 hours a week? Your bathroom is doing more coparenting than he is.

You absolutely do not need his permission to get medical treatment for your child who is suffering.

Rantingling · 22/09/2024 11:46

Why out of interest does he only have 4 hours a week?

Spenditlikebeckham · 22/09/2024 11:46

Dad is a cunt... A Dr advised you your dc need meds. You don't need his permission at all.

Original poster
BookArt · 22/09/2024 12:06

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/09/2024 11:45

4 hours a week? Your bathroom is doing more coparenting than he is.

You absolutely do not need his permission to get medical treatment for your child who is suffering.

Aggression towards me and objects in front of the children and because he is unable to follow medical advice regarding allergies for our child, such as carrying meds, not feeding then foods they are allergic to, communication when they're accidentally eaten the food and been given antihistamine, etc. This is now in the court order which we both had to agree to.
He's likely to get more time when we go back to court, I suspect Cafcass will advise more as he's good at saying the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BookArt · 22/09/2024 12:06

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 22/09/2024 11:45

4 hours a week? Your bathroom is doing more coparenting than he is.

You absolutely do not need his permission to get medical treatment for your child who is suffering.

This made me chuckle, I needed that! But you're completely right.

OP posts:
C152 · 22/09/2024 12:09

I think you've done the right thing in seeking medical advice and, in something so simple (I don't mean to be dismissive, as you are understandably worried about your child, who is clearly unwell), with very few (if any) side effects, it is fine to proceed with the Drs instructions. You kept your ex informed, and he chose to delay replying. If you'd waited until he could be bothered to reply before acting, your child would have gotten worse.

For more serious things, like treatment for a critical illness or an operation etc., then you need to both make the decision together.

Maray1967 · 22/09/2024 12:12

AperolWhore · 22/09/2024 11:36

You do the latter. He sees the children 4 hours a week, he doesn’t get to make decisions.

Absolutely this. You inform him and follow medical experts’ advice. He does not get to undermine that. Make sure you have all the medical evidence - maybe ask Dr to print out the advice and photograph the drugs with the dosage etc.

Maray1967 · 22/09/2024 12:14

C152 · 22/09/2024 12:09

I think you've done the right thing in seeking medical advice and, in something so simple (I don't mean to be dismissive, as you are understandably worried about your child, who is clearly unwell), with very few (if any) side effects, it is fine to proceed with the Drs instructions. You kept your ex informed, and he chose to delay replying. If you'd waited until he could be bothered to reply before acting, your child would have gotten worse.

For more serious things, like treatment for a critical illness or an operation etc., then you need to both make the decision together.

What happens if an ignorant ex disputes the medical advice and tries to hold up cancer treatment or surgery?

FloofPaws · 22/09/2024 12:19

M DD had multiple UTIs and she also had constipation issues. She has kidney reflux and always was on low dose antibiotics as a small child.
She needs meds asap, not after a bullshit father gives you permission!
Keep all of the texts and provide the court system the information

Original poster
BookArt · 22/09/2024 12:22

C152 · 22/09/2024 12:09

I think you've done the right thing in seeking medical advice and, in something so simple (I don't mean to be dismissive, as you are understandably worried about your child, who is clearly unwell), with very few (if any) side effects, it is fine to proceed with the Drs instructions. You kept your ex informed, and he chose to delay replying. If you'd waited until he could be bothered to reply before acting, your child would have gotten worse.

For more serious things, like treatment for a critical illness or an operation etc., then you need to both make the decision together.

I agree with you 100%. Our 5 year old is due to have several treatments and an operation for a much bigger condition in the future, the only appointments that dad attends are with this one specialist (none of the other appointments that filter into the decision making though). Thankfully that means he doesn't argue about what the specialist says and agrees with the next steps so far...

OP posts:
C152 · 22/09/2024 12:22

@Mrsttcno1 Well, it's hard to say when I don't know what you mean by 'ignorant'. Two people who love their children can still have extremely different views on cancer treatment (which I know from personal experience). It doesn't mean one or both of them are ignorant.

If one person makes a decision just to spite the other adult, not because they believe it's in the best interests of the child, then I suppose the end result would be the medical teams get a court order made for the treatment route they believe to be best. I'm not sure of the law on this, but if both parents have parental responsibility, I suppose court would be the only way to force treatment that one parent was against. It's an extremely difficult situation.

Original poster
BookArt · 22/09/2024 12:23

Maray1967 · 22/09/2024 12:14

What happens if an ignorant ex disputes the medical advice and tries to hold up cancer treatment or surgery?

Show quote history

I'd was researching this lately and i think I'd have to go to court and have the specialist doctors give evidence to support my case and I would likely win (my child doesn't have cancer but another life long condition).

OP posts:
LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 22/09/2024 12:25

You don’t need his permission by the sounds of it, you just need to let him know what’s happening, as per the court order? I would do what you’d usually do (take child to medical appointments, follow instructions on treatment) and then just let him know what’s happened after.

Would I fuck leave my child to suffer while daddy tits about before deciding whether he agrees with the child receiving medical treatment.

This:
Dad is saying that I need to tell him before I make medical decisions for the three kids. makes him sound like he cares less about the health issues of his children and more about himself and making some kind of point to his ex.

Soontobe60 · 22/09/2024 12:28

If he is objecting to any medical treatment as advised by a doctor, let him take you to court. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on!

Maray1967 · 22/09/2024 12:35

BookArt · 22/09/2024 12:23

I'd was researching this lately and i think I'd have to go to court and have the specialist doctors give evidence to support my case and I would likely win (my child doesn't have cancer but another life long condition).

Show quote history

I hope very much that it would be a very quick and clear-cut decision if it ever comes to that.
Hopefully someone who does 4 hours a week parenting won’t go to the effort of doing so - and will confine himself to sending stupid messages.

I hope your DC improves quickly. We had to deal with constipation with DS2 when he was a toddler. I can’t imagine how much worse that would have been if DH had been obstructive.

mitogoshigg · 22/09/2024 12:43

When a court talks about medical information they mean let him know minor stuff and involve him in major decisions - they are not envisaging getting permission to see the gp for routine medical care. Remember court orders are including potential for serious medical decisions eg severe epilepsy here and there are options that parents have to consider, antibiotics are different

Member984815 · 22/09/2024 13:17

Would he rather you neglected your child's medical needs

toomuchfaff · 22/09/2024 19:57

He can't dictate that the children do not get medical attention until he deems to have approved it. Do one.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 22/09/2024 20:01

Choice 1 is totally impractical
By the time I confirmed with ex, I would have lost the chance to get a GP appointment that day and dc would have been in discomfort for extra time.

I told ex after treatment. He trusts me to make the best decision for dc and vice versa. He’s had to take dc to A&E a few times over the years and I fully support his instinct to do take them, get help and let me know later.

Original poster
BookArt · 22/09/2024 20:13

@LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa@LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa@BookArt@@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay

OP posts: