Co parenting with medical decisions

[BookArt]

Need some advice so would appreciate some guidance as co parenting is... Hard!

Eldest child is 6, she's been suffering with a water infection for quite some time. At the same time she is struggling with constipation which has resulted in accidents and school saying they can't cope with it (understandably!). I told her dad I would seek support and was given antibiotics and a disimpaction regime which we have had to do before. I've taken time off work to do this.

Dad is saying that I need to tell him before I make medical decisions for the three kids. I told him my plan, sought medical advice, then followed up those messages with what the plan was. I started the meds with our daughter. I didn't hear back for two days now he says I am out of order.

Dad chooses to not go to most hospital appointments despite being fully informed. We go back to court over the kids in November. We do not have a good coparenting relationship, all communication is over an app. Doubting myself now as I'm trying to put boundaries in place. We have a court order at the moment which says I should keep him fully informed of medical info, he has the kids 4 hours a week.

So...

AIBU: Do I need take the kid to the doctors, be given medicine to support and then have dad confirm that it is okay to go ahead?

IANBU: Or do I seek medical advice, inform him in writing and then give the meds as instructed by the medical professionals?

Thank you everyone. I just doubt myself sometimes. Especially with cafcass around the corner I feel like when you're driving and a police car is behind you... I feel guilty knowing I've done nothing wrong!

I had to let him know that our other child has been invited for the flu jab and that I would take them to the drop in clinic and gave the date.

His response is 'what would you do if I say no to having them vaccinated? '

I think it's just confirmed that this is just about him having control and trying to get a reaction. I'm just not responding. If he wants to say no to the flu jab then say no, unless I receive a message saying no I will take them.

Best interests of child always.

If something bigger and you’re following the medical advice given, then I doubt you’d have a problem then either.

It sounds like the court order means supposed to keep him informed rather than ask his permission - the latter would be completely impractical given that you're the resident parent and dealing with the day-to-day stuff.

I think when you do go back to court, it's worth pointing out that your DD has ongoing health issues and that it isn't practical to discuss every medical decision with him in advance of seeking treatment for her, but that you will continue to keep him informed as to the treatment she's receiving, as you've been doing.

Realistically, if your child's doctor says they need antibiotics or some tests done, they don't typically give a choice of a variety of treatments or tests to do - they recommend the best course of action in their judgement. I can't see what would be different if their dad was at the appointment - is he really going to sit there and object to standard treatments for common conditions?

Unless he has a medical background and genuinely has ground to disagree with the doctors, or has religious reasons for rejecting certain treatments, it sounds like he is merely trying to exercise control over you, OP.

I could understand his wanting to be involved in the decision if you were faced with two competing experimental treatments for a life-threatening illness or something, but the treatments for common health issues aren't so controversial that one would expect a debate in the first place.

Would he suggest you leave DD constipated? What possible reason could he have for objecting to basic medical care?

Surely the answer is 'I'd suggest you get an emergency prohibited steps order from the court. I'll give you a week and if you haven't arranged that I'll go ahead with the vaccination.'

Nothing to do with the waste of space ex but the constipation issue use pico sulphate, we were given movicol to start with and it was a never ending nightmare! Pico sulphate changed our lifes for the better.

@BookArt It's all about control. If he genuinely cared about your children's medical needs he would attend appointments and not give your little one things they are allergic to.

I'm sure Cafcass will show you are doing the very best for your children's welfare and increasing contact with this man won't be in their interests 💐

Thank you every one for your advice. No medical background, no religion, just wanting to pick at every step. I think it is all about control but like to double check that I'm not in the wrong. Need to learn to trust my gut again! Appreciate the time every one took, gave me lots to consider.

What kind of a neglectful parent is going to object to their child getting treatment for a UTI?! He's a disgrace. Keep his messages as evidence of how unreasonable he is, for when he wants to apply for further custody.

I mean, that's one of those situations where it might be best to let him raise it in court and look like an idiot, tbh.

Fair point 😁