Is this an emotional affair?!

[Tytgt]

I was talking to a friend about my stressful work and how I have a supportive male colleague who always helps me. For context- banking/London. We are peers and work on deals together, although we are in different departments. Over the years, we have developed a close and respectful relationship. If I ever need anything, he is there to help. He unloads to me, and I to him. He calls a lot for support and asks for my opinion on work, difficult work situations, and personal stuff. He’s not like this with others, but OK, he’s an introvert. My friend claims I am being ridiculous, allowing me to get into this situation. She said that since we are both married, it isn’t acceptable for him to call me/come to my desk that much. That this is an EA! I think she’s been unfair, and she doesn’t get it. We are work friends, and although he has always been a tad generous with his compliments about my work, nothing odd ever happened. I don’t see him like that, I see him as someone who’s a great source of support at work. Who’s unreasonable here?

Just sounds like you have a good friend to me. One question though... does your husband know about him/ do you hide your communications?

I am open about it with my DH. In certain situations, I mention what my work friend advised me, etc. I don’t always tell him everything, as my work is full-on, and when I get home, I don’t want to retell that stress, nor is my DH always interested in hearing my work stories.

I think this sounds normal. It sounds like you are friends. Your female friend sounds a tad hysterical and the type who doesn’t let her husband have female friends.

my ex had an emotional affair. He’d had loads of female friends in the past, but this ‘friend’ was the only one I was worried about. It’s definitely a different thing from a man and woman being friends, but it’s hard to say what makes it so…here’s a few things that would make me think this strayed into EA territory…

do you talk about your relationship problems with each other? That can be a red flag.

do you secretly fancy him? Even if you don’t act on it. Is he the type of guy you’d have gone for if single? That might be a sign.

are you a bit jealous if he falls to other people? Or about his wife?

is you own relationship lacking?

does he fill a space your partner should ?

I don’t get why she is assuming this constitutes cheating. If anything, she should be happy for me to have a supportive colleague. She says she doesn’t buy it—no man is like this to someone he has no personal feelings for.

That’s bollocks. I know lots of guys at work who are incredibly helpful to lots of colleagues. In fact, I’d say men are often like this with other men.

What personal problems does he talk to you about? The rest sounds ok.

I am not jealous of his wife. In truth, I am happy for him when he tells me the two of them had a nice, kid-free night out.
Is he good-looking? Yes, he is. Would I date him? I'm unsure. We are not in the same stage of life, and our lifestyles are different.
I never complain to him about my DH, but he has, on occasion, commented that he is undervalued at home. I just told him to speak to his wife about it.
While nothing odd ever happened between us, I sometimes wondered why he devoted so much time and energy to me as he’s not like this with others. But he’s incredibly fantastic at work, and I value that a lot. He praises me to everyone at work and that feels good.

it Is possible to have feelings for someone that aren’t feelings of love or attraction.

I had a similar relationship with a male colleague at my last job. We worked in different offices but spoke daily and were always there to help each other out when needed. Always looked forward to catching up in person when in the same office.

We were both happily married, I didn’t fancy him, and there was never any hint of an EA.

But we got on really well, and I did care for him as a great friend and colleague (still do, although not in touch a lot now) and I believe he cared for me in that way too.

I have a similar relationship with my ex-boss. Obviously now we don't work together, we don't see each other as much but we'll still catch up once a month or so and will also chat in between. It's usually about work/career things but we do talk about personal things as well. Both our partners are well aware of it and have no issues with it at all.

How often do you talk? Just at work, or at home as well? Do you ever prioritise him over your dh/family life (or does he do this?). What happens if you ask others for advice or support? Does get jealous or annoyed?

About life, kids. He told me a lot of deeply personal stuff—which I was surprised about as he’s very private. We are under stress a lot, and often, our chats wander everywhere, as your guard is down when someone listens to you, offers advice, and cares about you.

There are periods when we talk a lot. Our work is hybrid, so he calls me when I am not in the office. When in the office, there are times when he comes to my desk a lot, and then sometimes, he won’t speak to me. I am busy with other work at times, so I don’t go over to speak to him. It’s hard to explain, but certainly, our families are our priorities.

This doesn't sound like an emotional affair, it sounds like a close colleague and good friend. You've done nothing that you would feel uncomfortable telling your spouse about and you're not sneaking around meeting him outside of work. I wouldn't worry 😊

If I were you I’d be very careful about the deeply personal chats. Assuming that you don’t want to stray into an emotional affair.

I think you might be on a slippery slope…..

You say he has been generous in his compliments of you and offloads personal things to – that’s a fine line and I wonder what his wife would think of that? Are the compliments on your appearance? I have a male work colleague I get on very well with, known him for a decade. The only time he complimented my appearance was on my wedding day. I would find anything else quite inappropriate.

Your friend should butt out though. You’re an adult.

You may not be having an emotional affair, but it certainly sounds like he is.

Just sounds like a normal close friendship to me.

That thought crossed my mind. ’

Absolutely this x

I hear a lot about emotional affairs on MN. In real life I have never heard anybody say they/their partner or anyone else was having an emotional affair
I have worked for many years, in a number of different places and in all of them colleagues have behaved how you describe sometimes with same sex colleagues sometimes opposite sex. Its just friendship and support. Sometimes you do talk about personal things its perfectly natural. And despite having many male friends that I have spoken to outside of work about many things none of them have ever hit on me. So either it is perfectly possible to have these type of friendships or I am so totally repulsive nobody would touch me with a barge pole

A friendship is really not an emotional affair. In an EA, both parties have a sexual attraction, know they do but haven’t yet acted on it. If it’s only one sided, it’s more of a crush / infatuation.

Yeah it doesn’t sound like you are in EA territory at all! I asked those questions because if you had a crush on him it might mean you were closer than you realised.

I have male work colleagues who I’d also say were good looking, but doesn’t mean I fancy them.
i get on with them and we share personal issues. But if I didn’t talk to men in my industry, I wouldn’t have many work friends!

its possible that he has a crush on you…or maybe he just likes you as a friend and thinks you’re a great colleague.

neither of you are hitting on each other, or wanting to move the relationship to a closer level, so i wouldn’t overthink it.

But how? The place we work is insane, and there are so many mad things happening that it feels essential to speak to someone who understands, listens and cares. When the pressure is on, it feels safe to talk to him - he always has time for me and does everything he can to assist. We don’t talk on the weekends or late at night, and he never badmouths his wife. I don’t speak to him about my family. I mentioned a few things but have nothing negative to say about my DH. Yes, our interactions are intense but that’s all done at work and framed around work. I am looking for a new job.

If you enjoy the relationship as it is, the frequency and subjects of your conversations etc, then what’s the problem? However, to me it sounds as though he’s decided your his unpaid therapist/emotional dumping ground, and in your shoes I wouldn’t be treating his personal confidences as a compliment. If I’m busy, I don’t have time to be dumped on.

Well, this makes me wonder too - no, never on my looks, but some things he said caught me off guard. He is well respected at work and held in high regard. However, he told me that I am by far the best person to work with, no one compares to me, I am the only one he trusts to deal with his important client, that everyone thinks highly of me, that I am far too sophisticated for him. Ok, we are peers and hold high positions but other peers at work don’t speak this way to me.