Is this an emotional affair?!

[Tytgt]

I was talking to a friend about my stressful work and how I have a supportive male colleague who always helps me. For context- banking/London. We are peers and work on deals together, although we are in different departments. Over the years, we have developed a close and respectful relationship. If I ever need anything, he is there to help. He unloads to me, and I to him. He calls a lot for support and asks for my opinion on work, difficult work situations, and personal stuff. He’s not like this with others, but OK, he’s an introvert. My friend claims I am being ridiculous, allowing me to get into this situation. She said that since we are both married, it isn’t acceptable for him to call me/come to my desk that much. That this is an EA! I think she’s been unfair, and she doesn’t get it. We are work friends, and although he has always been a tad generous with his compliments about my work, nothing odd ever happened. I don’t see him like that, I see him as someone who’s a great source of support at work. Who’s unreasonable here?

I wouldn't say you are having an emotional affair but the thing that struck out was the good old classic from him about feeling 'undervalued' at home. I think he might have some intentions as in my experience when men start talking about relationship problems, especially to someone at work they have particularly singled out to be close to, it's a sign. The over flattery again, it's not a normal thing to say. He wants you to feel special and this is in no way innocent from him. You wouldn't have written this post if you didn't have that concern either.

Thank you. I shut down the undervalued chat quickly. I simply told him that if he feels like he's doing everything at home, he should speak to his wife about it and sort it out. He never brought it up again.
Yeah, the flattery part is unusual. He certainly isn't speaking to others like this. He goes out of his way to comment on my skills to others at work too, a few people told me. Nobody is immune to flattery, and now, looking back perhaps he's doing that intentionally to make me feel special.

It sounds like he may well have feelings towards you but you have strong and healthy boundaries.

It looks like you’re maintaining safe boundaries, although he could have possibly dipped his toeinto the water, maybe even subconsciously.

He’s definitely fishing.

You're too sophisticated for him? Imagine him saying that to a male colleague! The compliments are flirtatious.

I think he is pushing, but has come up against your strong boundary. Not sure if he has realised you're immovable yet. I suspect once he does he will pull back on the friendship!

Agreed.

It’s been like this for four years. He has never done anything wrong or acted inappropriately, but some comments, etc., over the years were surprising.

Yeah, that comment was a bit odd, but I just laughed it off. He also made various comments that I hang out in different circles to him and that I am in another class, which I truly don’t think I am. But again, you see, none of this is “inappropriate.” Apart from that, he always listens and helps and has been a very sturdy support over the years. Maybe he’s just socially awkward.

Not an EA at all. Simply a good friendship with a collegue. Could be male or female.

(I have had an EA and it is NOT like this)