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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partners friend invited to our party?

76 replies

bluebellacakes · 21/09/2024 19:00

Me and my DP are having a party in a month or so and I have told him I do not want his friend or his friend's partner invited.

Years ago when me and DP had issues his friend was telling DP that "he was wasting his time with me, and could get any girl he wants" and badmouthing me and stirring.

My DP told me this himself.

For whatever reason this friend (who come on the scene after we had already been together for 4 years) and his partner don't like me for some reason and I don't even know what I have done as I have only met them a handful of times and have been nice to them every time (before they started talking about me).

The couple make it clear that I am not welcome to their home and only invite my partner round.

DP is trying to back track by saying he made it all up to annoy me which I don't believe as he could of said someone that actually knows me instead of someone I don't even really know and nice versa.

I believe he is only backtracking as this guy is his brothers best friend and it will cause issues as they all have close knit circle of friends.

I have told him under no circumstances his friend and his partner are to be invited when I am not even invited to their home and for the nasty comments they made about me for no reason.

And now that this couple have had a baby DP expects them to be invited to our kids birthdays now, another issue I have.

I'm not telling DP not to be friends with the guy I simply don't want them in my home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CrochetForLife · 22/09/2024 12:25

OP, your partner is LYING. And you know it. I would say to him that you know he is lying and you have lost respect for him and don't even want him to be friends with that prick, but if he must, said prick is never to enter your home ever. It's non-negotiable. That it's a deal-breaker and you WILL leave him if he does. And if said prick turns up, tell your partner you will make a scene and tell him to leave. So he best not waste his time inviting him in the first place. And you'll go to a motel and leave him to cook, clean, and deal with all kids.
MEAN IT. Don't ever allow that prick to darken your door and make sure your partner understands that at no...stage is prick to ever step foot on the property. Put the scare into your partner and tell him in fact you'll call the police if prick turns up. Your partner needs to know that it is not ever going to be possible - ever - for prick to step foot your property.

CrochetForLife · 22/09/2024 12:26

I'd also tell him you want him to stop having prick as a friend, and he needs to choose you and your/his family, or prick. Ask him where his loyalty lies, and why he didn't lay the prick out when he disrespected you, like any loyal male would. You need to go scorched fucking earth on this. Read him the riot act from the 22nd level of HELL!! And sex would be off the cards for me, until he and prick are ex-friends (tell him that and see what he says).

Original poster
bluebellacakes · 22/09/2024 14:29

Yes the friend obviously said it and now partner is backtracking because he wants us to get along/ keep the peace.

I think there is a bigger issue in our relationship and this is just a long list of things.

For example he has been working nights for weeks at a new job and literally only spends 1/2 hours a day with the kids and they are quite upset by it as they are used to seeing and doing with their dad.

Today is a day off and instead of wanting to spend the day with the kids he is planning on meeting his brother and going to see this friend and his newborn.

I just told him "The kids want to spend time with their dad and I need a rest and time to myself after I have been doing everything on my own for weeks (school runs, cooking, washing, cleaning, and looking after our baby).

All my friends and family agree with me on a lot of things but sometimes I wonder if they are just biased hence coming on here.

But I have told him the friend is not welcome and I'm pretty sure if partner said nasty things about his friend'/ Mrs he would be history, but it's all because it's his brother's best friend.
I just said to him this is my house (I inherited the house) and your brother does not get to dictate who enters my home.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/09/2024 17:09

And DP actually fell out with this friend last year and called him all the names under the sun

It sounds like he did exactly the same when he was a bit pissed off with you - went running his mouth off about you to them.

Unfortunately for him, that's come back to bite him on the arse now.

Cupooee · 22/09/2024 20:06

You own the house?
Not married?
Tell this loser who has decided to avoid family life to pack his bags.
I would definitely think he has spoken very badly about you and I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
You and your children deserve better.

Original poster
bluebellacakes · 22/09/2024 22:01

Cupooee · 22/09/2024 20:06

You own the house?
Not married?
Tell this loser who has decided to avoid family life to pack his bags.
I would definitely think he has spoken very badly about you and I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
You and your children deserve better.

Yes I'm starting to think/feel that myself.

OP posts:
Fancypopop · 22/09/2024 22:13

Hold on a moment, your DP slagged you off to his friend, you found out about it so he then lied to you, he doesn’t spend time with his kids, doesn’t care his friend is slagging you off, he prioritises this friend’s feelings OVER yours, oh and this guy is a heavy drug user as the cherry on top of this pile of shit to boot.

Bloody hell OP. Your partner is the issue here- he’s an absolute piece of shit.

The friend also sounds vile but he really is the least of your problems in this scenario 😳

Cupooee · 23/09/2024 10:09

Time to tell him that you need space and he needs to move out.
I bet your life will be better, and easier.
He can stay with his pal he so disloyally spoke badly about you.

Your partner is a disloyal liar.
Never trust a liar.

Original poster
bluebellacakes · 23/09/2024 15:01

I have just told him he has a week to find alternative accommodation as really have had enough of him always backing others and not me.

Now he is saying as I had gestational diabetes in my last pregnancy I should be calling up the same friend's Mrs and offering her advice and giving her tips on how to avoid getting diabetes and to help with their baby.
I have only met the woman three times in my whole life.

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ".

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 23/09/2024 15:04

Regardless of history, if they don’t welcome you into their home, they’re not welcome in yours. Your DH should be backing you up here.

pizzaHeart · 23/09/2024 15:05

Cherrysoup · 21/09/2024 19:10

They don’t get to come to your home if you aren’t invited to theirs! Yanbu.

This^
simple

icouldholditwithacobweb · 23/09/2024 15:12

Hmmm. I'd say your partner is the lying one here. What would he have told this friend that would make YOU unwelcome in their home? If he's now saying he made xyz up that he told you, what else did he make up that he told this friend of his? People don't just act funny and decline to invite someone into their home for no reason; since your partner seems to have admitted he's a liar, I'd be doing some fishing and trying to figure out what he's told this friend that has got him so determined that he doesn't like you, because clearly it's something.

GabriellaMontez · 23/09/2024 15:14

Putting aside all the historical stuff.

If you're not welcome in their home, then they're not welcome in yours.

Your partner doesn't sound very nice.

PinkyFlamingo · 23/09/2024 15:20

I love when I see the phrase "be the bigger person". That's just an excuse to let people walk all over you, abuse you etc

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:34

RubyOrca · 22/09/2024 05:01

Your comments show you really don’t like these people, and you’re rather condescending in the way you talk about them.

Did you ever think the reason you aren’t invited to events at his house is because you aren’t his friend and don’t really fit in? Chances are he’s inviting his friendship group to his house, to do stuff they mutually enjoy. It doesn’t sound like you have common interests. Partners can have separate friends, hobbies and activities. Does your DP expect invitations to your social activities?

I wouldn’t expect you to invite him or his partner to your events. But it’s an entirely different thing when you are banning your DP from inviting them to HIS events. It sounds like you’ve also banned your husband from introducing HIS daughter to HIS friend. That’s controlling and wrong. Your kids birthday parties are joint family events - and both parents should get an equal day in the guest list.

Indeed

Heavy drinking and drugs

They sound classy

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:36

bluebellacakes · 23/09/2024 15:01

I have just told him he has a week to find alternative accommodation as really have had enough of him always backing others and not me.

Now he is saying as I had gestational diabetes in my last pregnancy I should be calling up the same friend's Mrs and offering her advice and giving her tips on how to avoid getting diabetes and to help with their baby.
I have only met the woman three times in my whole life.

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ".

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

I can imagine the woman's reaction if you started giving her advice!

But you need to do the Ducks In A Row, Get Legal Advice plan

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2024 15:38

bluebellacakes · 23/09/2024 15:01

I have just told him he has a week to find alternative accommodation as really have had enough of him always backing others and not me.

Now he is saying as I had gestational diabetes in my last pregnancy I should be calling up the same friend's Mrs and offering her advice and giving her tips on how to avoid getting diabetes and to help with their baby.
I have only met the woman three times in my whole life.

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ".

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

If it's not his house he doesn't get to decide

Dontbeme · 23/09/2024 15:46

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ"

Tell him if he was a proper man and father he would be providing for his kids and supporting you, not living in someone else's house and slagging off the mother of his kids to his friend.

Do you have support to get him out OP, dad or brothers to support you in packing up his stuff and getting him to leave today. Hey, he can stay with his bestest pal!

CrochetForLife · 23/09/2024 16:17

bluebellacakes · 23/09/2024 15:01

I have just told him he has a week to find alternative accommodation as really have had enough of him always backing others and not me.

Now he is saying as I had gestational diabetes in my last pregnancy I should be calling up the same friend's Mrs and offering her advice and giving her tips on how to avoid getting diabetes and to help with their baby.
I have only met the woman three times in my whole life.

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ".

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

Christ! I'd say to him if he was a real man, he'd be loyal to his partner and mother of his children.

I'd tell him he done his fucking dash with that comment, I'd throw a bag in his direction and tell him if he isn't gone in half an hour, you'll call the fucking police! And mean it! He is trespassing in your home and has no right to be there.

Tell him you will call the police!

DON'T back down!

Planesmistakenforstars · 23/09/2024 16:33

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

If it's your house in your name, then this isn't his decision. Call the police if he refuses to go, and then change the locks when he's left. He can apply for custody, but he won't because he isn't a proper man.

AngelicKaty · 23/09/2024 16:40

WOW OP - YA ABSOLUTELY NOT BU! Your DP is taking the piss. He needs to give his head a wobble and remember his first loyalties should be to you and your children. Personally, I would not tolerate anyone in my social circle doing "hardcore drugs" - they have young children; what on earth are they thinking?! I'm so glad you're giving him the heave-ho - he deserves nothing less! And he has no legal right to remain in the property if his name isn't on the title deeds - if he won't go willingly, have the locks changed when he's at work.

Easipeelerie · 23/09/2024 16:44

I’d be more concerned about having a partner who claims to have lied to wind you up and is actually lying that he lied just so his mates can still come to the party.
Your DP sounds unkind and immature.

Easipeelerie · 23/09/2024 16:47

Stick to your guns and get rid. Then you won’t ever have to see the horrible friends either. You’re worth more than this.

Cupooee · 23/09/2024 17:35

bluebellacakes · 23/09/2024 15:01

I have just told him he has a week to find alternative accommodation as really have had enough of him always backing others and not me.

Now he is saying as I had gestational diabetes in my last pregnancy I should be calling up the same friend's Mrs and offering her advice and giving her tips on how to avoid getting diabetes and to help with their baby.
I have only met the woman three times in my whole life.

His exact words were "if you was a proper woman you would be helping XYZ".

Now he is demanding that he is not leaving without our kids, despite having no accommodation.

OP, call Womens aid for advice.
Also call 101 for advice on getting him out.
He is emotionally abusive and he has no right to livd with you.
Do not be bullied by this disloyal liar.
I would make it clear to him you will involve the police and his druggy friends will bd mentioned too.
Play hardball with this loser.
Pack his bag, leave it outside.
Keep a key in the door and call the police.
Same man who isn't spending time with his children is using them to threaten you with taking them.
Tell the police and Women's aid this.
You have got this.

SALaw · 23/09/2024 17:52

Presumably they don't like you because when you and your partner were having issues he told them various things about you that didn't paint you in a good light, in response to which they made the comment about wasting his time. He should never have said those things and/or never have repeated their comment to you. It's his doing.