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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partners friend invited to our party?

76 replies

bluebellacakes · 21/09/2024 19:00

Me and my DP are having a party in a month or so and I have told him I do not want his friend or his friend's partner invited.

Years ago when me and DP had issues his friend was telling DP that "he was wasting his time with me, and could get any girl he wants" and badmouthing me and stirring.

My DP told me this himself.

For whatever reason this friend (who come on the scene after we had already been together for 4 years) and his partner don't like me for some reason and I don't even know what I have done as I have only met them a handful of times and have been nice to them every time (before they started talking about me).

The couple make it clear that I am not welcome to their home and only invite my partner round.

DP is trying to back track by saying he made it all up to annoy me which I don't believe as he could of said someone that actually knows me instead of someone I don't even really know and nice versa.

I believe he is only backtracking as this guy is his brothers best friend and it will cause issues as they all have close knit circle of friends.

I have told him under no circumstances his friend and his partner are to be invited when I am not even invited to their home and for the nasty comments they made about me for no reason.

And now that this couple have had a baby DP expects them to be invited to our kids birthdays now, another issue I have.

I'm not telling DP not to be friends with the guy I simply don't want them in my home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BreadInCaptivity · 22/09/2024 02:59

The person who caused this issue is your partner.

He's painted you in a bad light and they've acted accordingly.

He needs to own this.

I'd absolutely refuse to have people in my home that had made clear I am not welcome in theirs.

So it's up to him to broker some apologies/clear the air here not gaslight you by trying his best to re-write history.

All that said it sounds like a pretty miserable situation if he still is prepared to spend time with people without you and who actively dislike you and expect you to suck that up.

He's telling you he cares more about his own, theirs and his brothers feelings than you - even to the point of drawing your children into the mix.

We don't have to get on with all our partners friends. It's ok to have different social circles and we don't have to find common ground with everyone.

The red line for me would be when those friends are actively hostile.

I don't think your partner comes out of this very well to be honest. Weak, cowardly and failing to take responsibility.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 22/09/2024 03:09

"The couple make it clear that I am not welcome to their home and only invite my partner round." I wonder if that’s actually true or whether your dp is telling you that to make sure you don’t develop a relationship with them.

IMO there is only one reason why someone repeats nasty comments to the person being discussed, and that’s to upset them.

Edingril · 22/09/2024 03:26

Well if a man tried to control his partner and demanding her friend or friends are not allowed in his home there would be cries of red flags and 'don't let him speak to you like that'

I do find it odd he told you though and still remained friends with them but that is on him, if someone said something I thought was wrong I would deal with them then and there and move on

And no a man does not need to stand up for me I am perfectly capable of dealing with people myself, there is so many ways women are being excused of using their own brains

Fraaahnces · 22/09/2024 04:32

Honestly, I would tell DH that you have changed your mind. Let them come so you can “Have a word and see what his fucking problem is….” with this weirdo. I would wait until the first sarcastic comment and then confront them. It is quite likely that this dick has formed an opinion based on shit your DH has said (complained) about you. If DH suddenly changes his mind because he is afraid of the truth coming out, he will suddenly lose interest in his mate coming. He has been counting on you not stirring the pot.

Irridescantshimmmer · 22/09/2024 04:43

YADNBU

AGoingConcern · 22/09/2024 04:46

Is this a party for your DH or his family? In that case I think his wishes for the guest list unless someone is actively abusive towards you (and none of the examples you’ve given are anywhere close). Beyond that it’s fine to say no if you feel strongly about it. If your DH wants to see them separately that’s ok but this doesn’t need to be a couples friend.

That said, a lot of this sounds like you’ve decided you hate them and they hate you and so everything they do will be read hostilely to some extent. They’re almost certainly picking up on that dislike and acting accordingly. The original comments are exactly the sort of thing people say when trying to cheer up/boost a friend who is venting about a relationship on the rocks or has been broken up with (FWIW I’ve learned not to do this because it’s inevitably awkward when they get back together) not malicious or even about you. Your DH absolutely should not have repeated the comments and was just stirring up shit doing so, which he apparently regrets. But now you have a grudge and from there out every interaction has been strained and you’re volleying that energy back and forth while it grows and grows. You can choose whether to actively try to drop that pattern and reset with them or just carry on.

RubyOrca · 22/09/2024 04:49

the most likely scenario is not that they said nasty things about you for no reason, but they said nasty things on the back of what your DP said about you.

You said this started when you and DP were having problems. Was your DP venting or talking about you negatively around them?

When your friend is having problems with their partner you got two choices - stay silent, or comment. If you build off of what an angry/upset partner is saying when they vent you’ll quickly stary into saying nasty things. If the couple separate you’re a great supportive friend. If they get back together you’ve overstepped.

I think you need to forgive. These people are important to your partner, and they aren’t saying nasty things to you or about you any time recently. And it’s highly likely anything they said in the past was linked to what you’re husband was saying during a difficult time (the problem was he brought that home when he shouldn’t have) By blocking them from your home, you’re preventing him from having them at events that are important to him (his kids birthday party etc).

You are stopping him being friends with these people if he can’t even invite them to his home.

RubyOrca · 22/09/2024 05:01

Your comments show you really don’t like these people, and you’re rather condescending in the way you talk about them.

Did you ever think the reason you aren’t invited to events at his house is because you aren’t his friend and don’t really fit in? Chances are he’s inviting his friendship group to his house, to do stuff they mutually enjoy. It doesn’t sound like you have common interests. Partners can have separate friends, hobbies and activities. Does your DP expect invitations to your social activities?

I wouldn’t expect you to invite him or his partner to your events. But it’s an entirely different thing when you are banning your DP from inviting them to HIS events. It sounds like you’ve also banned your husband from introducing HIS daughter to HIS friend. That’s controlling and wrong. Your kids birthday parties are joint family events - and both parents should get an equal day in the guest list.

Thisisntme1 · 22/09/2024 05:08

I think your partner is purposely trying to keep you apart for whatever reason.
Either he's made up lies about you to them and they are responding accordingly to their friend (even if untrue) and he doesn't want you near them in case you confront them and set them straight.
Or they've never said any of these things that your partner tells you and he again doesn't want the truth to come out.

LunaMay · 22/09/2024 05:37

YANBU
They've continued to be dicks and this is the consequence. Remember it's not for no reason though, it's no doubt from whatever your partner said and he clearly never pulled them up on it. The risk you take when talking about relationships with friends.

PomPomtheGreat · 22/09/2024 06:21

I wouldn't want hard core drug users around my children either. Is your partner also a drug user when he's with them?

OCDmama · 22/09/2024 06:27

At first I thought you all needed to grow up with this petty Jeremy-Kyle bullshit.

But after the hard drugs comment, you've not got a problem with just these people. Your whole circle of friends needs to go, and your partner if he thinks hard drugs usage is acceptable. It's not. It's scummy, nothing to do with being health consciousness.

Do these people have children themselves? It might have become normalised in your social circles to use drugs, buts it's not. They're illegal for a reason.

Jukeboxjive · 22/09/2024 06:43

Why on earth did this man call your partner every day demanding to see the baby? He's not even your mans close friend but his bothers? It sounds extremely odd to me.

AgentJohnson · 22/09/2024 07:10

I’d be interested to hear what your so called dear partner has been telling these people about you. Remember the image they have of you is the one your DP has painted of you.

The bs about him making it up just to annoy you illustrates how much of a twat he is.

NotStayingIn · 22/09/2024 07:24

Everything you’ve said points the finger squarely at one person being the common denominator for all the drama: your DP.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/09/2024 07:58

@bluebellacakes the nasty friend is your BIL's best friend! not your dp's best friend! why would he invite his brother's best friend. he should only be inviting his own friends and your friends! stand your ground!!

GreyCarpet · 22/09/2024 08:24

When I read your OP, I was inclined to say YANBU but, having read the responses, I'm inclined to agree that this is down to what you partner has said about you.

It would make no sense otherwise that they took a dislike to someone they didn't know, had only met a few times and who was always welcoming to them.

You've been so focused on why these people don't like you and what you could have possibly done to them that you've overlooked this.

I suspect the actual problem lies far closer to home.

Flossyts · 22/09/2024 08:28

yanbu…. But wouldn’t it be great to take the high road and prove them wrong. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer etc. Hes clearly going to be in your husbands life whether you like it or not, so I would personally prefer him to be on side..

Cupooee · 22/09/2024 08:55

Stick to your guns here.
Absolutely no way would these people be near my home or family.

Honestly OP your partner sounds like a bit of a wet twat.
What EXACTLY has he been saying about you? And now retracting? So admitting he is a liar.
He has little loyalty to you if any.
I would have the Ick, but I read you have had children with him.
Do not be bullied by him to have anything to do with these people.
Take a hard look at your partner.

Original poster
bluebellacakes · 22/09/2024 09:15

Morning

So the friend in question is DP's friend but mainly BIL's best friend.

I have asked DP that all this obviously stems from what he must of said about me an he just keeps telling me he made it up and says that the he is a good guy and if I spoke to him I would see that he is a nice guy.

I agree that DP has stirred it and is now backtracking.

@RubyOrca - it is a party that I suggested, planned and organised in our home.

I understand some of what you're saying but DP is only friends with the guy - he isn't friends with the Mrs who the friend insists on coming round as well.

DP finds her overbearing and controlling at how she always has to be there with the friend and he can't get alone time with his friend.

And DP actually fell out with this friend last year and called him all the names under the sun, it is only because he is BIL's best friend that he still spoke to him.

And now that BIL is working with the friend DP feels as if he has to invite him to the party as all the other friends are coming.

OP posts:
Clementine22 · 22/09/2024 09:26

I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

But personally I wouldn’t mirror their behaviour but not allowing them to yours and would want to rise above that. So I would allow them to be invite but only be cordial and pay them very little attention.

Waterboatlass · 22/09/2024 11:55

Your partner has caused this by having loose lips. 'you could have anyone' is what we all say to a friend after a partner or relationship has appeared to be less than perfect from their version of events. It's probably not really personal but shouldn't have been repeated to you. He also seems spineless. If it's primarily his brother's friend then no, he doesn't have to come. I would expect him to face up to this behaviour and show more maturity in future, especially if they're excluding you from events. If they're already invited then I suppose take the high ground but only show basic hospitality and kindness, you don't have to make them overly welcome.

greencheetah · 22/09/2024 12:05

YANBU

I would stick to my guns.

pinkyredrose · 22/09/2024 12:07

Your DP sound rather an idiot . The problem is him not the 'friend'.

FloofPaws · 22/09/2024 12:11

No chance, and my DH wouldn't be going round to their house either as he'd be loyal to me!