DH been complaining about our relationship to my DM

[HollySizer]

DH and I have been going through a rough patch. After the birth of DS2 we really struggled and became quite distant from each other. Things are looking much better now after some frank discussions about the future of our relationship but we had previously discussed splitting up.

DM has confessed to me today that DH rang her up multiple times back when we were in the thick of it, telling her that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me, and complaining about other things in our relationship.

AIBU to be massively pissed off at this? Some of these things, DH barely even brought up with me. I would never usually discuss personal issues like this with my DM.

My DM has asked me not to mention this to DH but I don’t think I can not say anything.

The "frank discussions" that saved the relationship but evidently weren't frank enough. Don't keep it to yourself, it will rot over time.

I'd be furious as it's a betrayal by both of them. Your mum shouldn't be involved in your relationship and she shouldn't be telling you what you should or shouldn't disclose to your husband. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he phoned my mother again he can pack his stuff.

He did what? And for what reason? Did he think that as your parent she should apologise or something for his wife not being up to scratch? Does he have form for complaining to his own parents and generally moaning about things?

I don’t think I could forgive this.

What did he expect to get out of these calls? Was he expecting her to speak to you? Eg ‘sort your daughter out?’ Or was he just venting? I can’t understand why he would call your mum. Does he have any family of his own?

But yes, he’d get the bollocking of his life if he was mine.

And yes, she should have stopped it on the first call. Why on earth did she carry on taking these calls?

DH doesn’t speak to his parents.

That’s bang out of order, I would be furious and no way I would let that go.

your husband massively overstepped the mark and your mum should have shut him straight down. They have both let you down and it is perfectly understandable that you would be upset over this.

Well, he shouldn’t be speaking to yours now either given what he has done.

who needs enemies when you have family like this

You know what though, he has confided in someone and must have needed the support. I dont think I could get too worked up about this.

Ooooh no.

That's a no no. From both of them to be honest.

OP

To be able to get over this you need a 'frank' discussion with the pair of them!

I would have zero respect if my DH did this.

Are you happy being in a relationship with someone who wasn't sure they wanted to be with you at some point in the past? And they chose to go behind your back to your parent. Who didn't bother to let you know straight away.

Your DM is out of order for not stopping that as soon as he made that first complaint. I wouldn't be able to forgive either of them.

He doesn't have a relationship with his own parents so he's turned to someone he felt able to confide in for support. It doesn't matter that he discussed things with her that he didn't discuss with you - he was venting. Surely you vented to people other than him at times? Rather than be annoyed with your DH, be glad that he sought support.

It's actually your mum who is in the wrong here. You and your DH have worked to get yourselves back on track, and she has stirred up trouble when she could have kept quiet. There is no reason for her to tell you this unless to cause trouble.

You should be far more upset with your mother, honestly. What, exactly, is her motivation for telling you this? That's the question in my mind. I'm thinking she wants your marriage to fail.

Hahaha my ex did this he was so narcissistic he thought my parents would take his side over mine.

Didn't go down very well.

I would be MASSIVELY pissed off.

Your DM hasn't done anything wrong, maybe she thought things would end and now they haven't feels the need to tell you about his massive betrayal

Hahaha my ex did this he was so narcissistic he thought my parents would take his side over mine.

The only time I've heard of men (it has only been men in my experiences before the NAMALTers or WDITs shout me down) doing this has been to manipulate their wife's/GF's parents into siding with him and turning against her/seeing her as crazy.

What has urged your mum to tell you about it now @HollySizer ?

Then it makes more sense. I would speak to him about it and say it makes you very uncomfortable and not to do it again. Sounds like speaking to your mother may have ended up helping your relationship.

He told her that we had discussed divorce and what the childcare arrangements would be.

I would have never told her that we had discussed divorce unless we had actually decided on it.

If your husband needed emotional support and can’t get it from his own parents, it’s a good thing that he was able to get it from his parents in law. I’d be angry with your mum for breaking his confidence and causing a problem that did not need to exist.

In this situation, I’d want my mum to do what was best for my marriage and my family, and if that meant being a confidante for my husband then so be it.

The reason it came up in conversation was that I mentioned something and my DM queried whether our relationship was strong enough to handle it.

I agree that the venting is fine. But it shouldn’t be to my parents.

@HollySizer But why shouldn't it be your parents? You are married, so they are his family too, just as they are your children's family too. Your parents should want the best for you all as a family as well as each of you individually.

He's pathetic.
All the respect would be gone.

Yes but they are my parents, not his. Yes we are married and therefore all family, but I still think it’s wrong of him to confide in our personal issues to my parents.

It’s like how I wouldn’t confide in his best friend despite him also being my friend.

Unforgivable. I would not be able to get over this.