DH been complaining about our relationship to my DM

[HollySizer]

DH and I have been going through a rough patch. After the birth of DS2 we really struggled and became quite distant from each other. Things are looking much better now after some frank discussions about the future of our relationship but we had previously discussed splitting up.

DM has confessed to me today that DH rang her up multiple times back when we were in the thick of it, telling her that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me, and complaining about other things in our relationship.

AIBU to be massively pissed off at this? Some of these things, DH barely even brought up with me. I would never usually discuss personal issues like this with my DM.

My DM has asked me not to mention this to DH but I don’t think I can not say anything.

If I was experiencing real difficulties in my
relationship and wanted to discuss this with someone who I trusted, I would. My dp wouldn’t get to dictate that I keep all my feelings to myself or only discuss them with him ( not everyone wants to do this initially). The ops dh clearly misjudged going to his mother in law, give that she has then repeated what he said. It wasn’t really a great idea to use ops mother as a sounding board in the first place. He should find another confidante, perhaps a good friend.

I have quite literally never heard that said on here in any remotely relevant context. Such a poor strawman.

In terms of relationships with grandchildren, visiting etc yes...but emotional support in secret? No. Being as close to as one's own parents? No.

I was hugely close to my MiL, but she was my husband's mother. Nothing comes close to that relationship and nor should it. Likewise, my husband is very close to my parents, is in independent contact with them etc, but they are still my parents. Not his.

This would very much depend, for me, on what his aim was with the conversation.

Assuming I had a lovely relationship with my Mother, I would welcome my DP talking to her about concerns/worries he didn't for whatever reason, feel he could come to me with first, particularly if he didn't have any one else that close or sensible or knew us well enough to talk to.

(i didn't and she's dead now and she wouldn't have given him useful advice at all as she was a batshit mental alcoholic, but thats by the by).

However if I had a strained relationship with her, if my Mother didn't know the relationship well, was a shitty advisor, or if he was calling in some misguided idea that my Mother would 'sort me out' or whatever...then obviously not.

Ideally no one tells anything to anyone then, bottles up and commits suicide when they can't stand the pressure anymore?

There are always lines in the sand about who we speak to about deeply personal issues. If it hadn’t been the OP’s mother but a close female friend to both of them or her best friend, most people would be saying he crossed the line, even suggest it’s an emotional affair. No one would say ‘but it may have been the only person in the entire world he felt he could connect to about your marital strife, what if he killed himself if he didn’t talk to her specifically!’. The op must have been struggling deeply with what’s going on, but has been trying to deal with it between them before taking anything further. It must have been a huge toll on her mental health as well but women are expected to hold it together because they’re more likely to push on for the sake of everyone else. Not because the mental hardship isn’t affecting them any less.

YANBU for how you feel about this OP- totally understandable. But at the same time your DH was going to someone he trusted and felt close to for support. I don’t think he did anything wrong, although I also understand why you are furious. In my view the person in the wrong here is very much your mother. She should either have not entertained these conversations- told him up front that she wouldn’t be able not to share with you , or she should have kept his confidence- permanently. As it is she’s created a huge mess.

I did the same to my MiL and she gave me great advice on dealing with DH's moods. I don't know if I ever told him though.

Then you have not seen much as I read 5 or 6 threads like that in the past few months.
OPs husband has no one else to confide in, what is he supposed to do? Go to the forest and scream inside a tree?

I can see it from the other side OP. Things were awful with DH after our DC2 was born (recently) and he was awful to me, verbally abusive, drinking too much, then aggressive. I rang his parents as I hoped they would be able to get through to him.

i was desperate and didn’t know what else to do. (Obviously had tried talking to my husband first…many times)

Suicide is the biggest killer of men under fifty. There is so much talk about reaching out and seeking emotional support but on MN a man who is desperate and talks to his mother or a friend is seen as betraying his partner. Meanwhile MN so often advises women to tell their mothers or sisters or friends if they are wanting to vent. There are double standards on here. I have nothing but admiration for a man who loves his MIL enough to confide in her and ask for his advice.
i think you are being unfair, OP.

I'm torn. On the one hand, I'd lose my shit if my husband did this. On the other hand, I've been in this exact situation. My MIL is the only person I've talked to about the problems in my own relationship. The reason is she's the only person who I trust enough to keep it to herself, to give me good advice, and to not hold the things I was saying against my husband. My own mother proved to be very early on that she couldn't be trusted not to take a weird attitude with my husband and also she made it all about herself. My MIL is the only person I know who loves my husband and who genuinely would like our relationship to work.

Her parents are her emotional support in life, not his.

They can be both.

Exactly
Man commits suicide.
People: Shame he didnt talk to someone
Man seeks help.
Mumsnet: Well, he should have known to seek help SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Thank you @Tulipsareredandvioletsarebue
I really hate the double standards towards men and women on MN. I think a lot of women on MN dislike men. There is much talk of wanting men to change but a lot of current threads show that many posters still expect men to out earn them ( Thread - Do you care what job a man has ) and also the thread, I find men unattractive who cannot afford to pay all the bills so I don't have to work).
There are undoubtedly a lot of hopeless men out there but there are so many posters, sadly wives and partners, who smugly maintain that it is not their job to help men. They want men to do their share of childcare but fight the idea of 50/50 co residence after divorce. Women want the right to moan about their husbands and partners to their mothers, sisters, friends and indeed on MN. Men however are not allowed to talk to anyone. I Hope in real life, women are more compassionate towards each other

My 'fav' is:
Woman finds out the man cheated- Leave the Bastard! How dare he! He should have come clean, you had the right to know and make an informed choice!
Woman cheats - Dont tell him, he does not need to know, it wont hurt him if he does not know. You had some fun, it's OK hun!

Whoever the partner would have talked to, would be a bad choice seemingly- would OP want her neighbours to know instead? His best friend who then tells others? People she meets at husband's Xmas do? Would she prefer he found an attentive female coworker?

I mean, there are only as many places he could have gone. Unless OP has a toxic family, Id personally rather stuff like this remained in the family than be shared with random people.

I really hate all this 'reverse the genders' schtick. Men and women are socialised differently. That's why you can't easily reverse the genders, because women are brought up to bend themselves out of shape to appease everyone else and men are brought up to strive for what they want. That causes problems for both genders but on a mostly women site you would expect people to advise women how to step outside their conditioning so they're not actually damaging themselves.

Getting between the OP's mother and herself is not fair, and criticising her/ saying things about her that are worrying that he then tells her to keep secret are extremely damaging to both relationships.

Rubbish.
It's not about men and women but about human beings. Someone struggles with mental health and needs someone trustworthy to talk about. It's pretty disgusting he can't talk to a mother in law because of OPs hurt pride.
OPs husband did not approach the mother from a position of power, but as a family member and lacking his own family to talk to. He was also not getting between the MiL and OP to bitch about his wife either, but to ask for support- not AGAINST OP, but FOR himself. This did not disadvantage OP in the slightest.
Astonishing people struggle with this concept.

'telling her that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me, and complaining about other things in our relationship'

I'm astonished you think you know exactly how the OP's H approached his MIL. There is no way to take the mother and daughter relationship out of the equation here when you are 'complaining' about her daughter.

You're only hearing one side of the story though. He could have gone to her for advice as someone who knows you well. Did he go bitching, or did he go concerned? You need to speak to him to get his side of the story.

And how do you know @Spinet the content of the whole conversation?

There is some research to show that when people are presenting a case to others ( and how much more would they do this on an anonymous forum) they spin the story in their favour. I always think language is interesting on MN. MILS never speak, they hector and bark. SILS and Stepdaughters, turn on the waterworks and manipulate. Yet, posters describe themselves as gently pointing out and making well reasoned points. I often remain sceptical about the actual back story.