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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DS's girlfriend

40 replies

Kettledodger · 20/09/2024 19:57

Annoyed is probably understating how I feel. DS (20) has been going out with his girlfriend (21) for almost two years. She has been notably detached from DS in the last few weeks. They finally spoke a few nights ago and she has said she has feelings for another person and is not sure what she wants to do, as in whether she wants to break up with him or not. She wants to see where this new relationship may go before she breaks up with DS.

I am so cross that she is stringing DS along while she decides. In our minds (me and his father) the fact that she is even contemplating another relationship shows she doesn't respect DS as she should. But of course we haven't said this. We have just listened to him and reminded him that he has worth and that his feelings matter too.

Omg treading through the waters of adult children's lives is worse than when they are younger IMO cos you have to be there for them but also allow them to make decisions that will probably hurt them

Arghhhhhhjj

OP posts:
Original poster
Kettledodger · 20/09/2024 19:59

Btw sorry not really AIBU just needed to vent

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 20/09/2024 20:02

Of course YANBU, your poor DS.
All you can do is be there for him. Keep your opinions to yourself in case there is a chance they will get back together.

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 20/09/2024 20:04

Oh that's horrible. I agree with pp though all you can do is be there and support him. Try not to offer opinions unless he asks. Parenting is so difficult.

Mollymalone123 · 20/09/2024 20:05

No wonder you areangry.so basically she wants to cheat on your DS .As hard as it is all you can do is sit back and help him to pick up the pieces.No one deserves to be treated like that.I hope he actually dumps her!

Lemonade2011 · 20/09/2024 20:05

Similar happened to my son and his now ex

they are very young, I would be there for him, but they need to sort it out for themselves and you can be there for him if the worst happens, hopefully he will tell her where to go instead of waiting for her to check if the other guy is a goer but best to let them sort it, it’s hard to stand by but my son got there in the end it was tough though. Hope he’s ok it’s not nice at all seeing them hurt

Civilservant · 20/09/2024 20:05

Stay out of it!

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2024 20:06

I'd be annoyed at my son for being a doormat. She's dumping him, she's just trying to do it gently. She's probably hoping he dumps her first so she doesn't have to be the bad guy. I'd be encouraging your son to see reality. She's out the door and down the hall.

ThirstyThursday · 20/09/2024 20:08

Vent away

I'd be telling him if she doesn't know she's totally mad about him & thinking about someone else then he should break up with her.

They might not be each others 'one' for life, but at this stage they should be mad about each other or what's the point??. He'll end up not feeling 'good enough' for her & worrying that they're permanently on the verge of breaking up.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 20/09/2024 20:11

I know that really you should stay out of it OP, but can't help wondering whether you have the sort of relationship with him, where you could perhaps ask if while she's seeing this other guy and making up her mind what she wants, are you also free to see other girls and see how you feel? In my opinion, what's good for the goose, is good for the gander, and if he tells her he's going to be seeing other girls, then she just might realise what a horrible game she's playing. Maybe try playing the song 'A Little Time' by Beautiful South, and see if it makes him think a bit, if you're not familiar, try Googling the lyrics!

Original poster
Kettledodger · 20/09/2024 20:16

Yeah just trying to be there for him. He has just gone back to university for his 3rd year after 5 months of being home over summer. We are a very close family just the three of us but we are also fairly liberal hands off parents. Which has now allowed us to all have a fantastic relationship with him as he has branched out as an adult.

The fact that he has reached out to us to be a sound board is very reassuring but as pp have said we have to be careful about what we say.

OP posts:
Conniebygaslight · 20/09/2024 20:40

I feel your pain tenfold OP. Our DD is in a very abusive relationship and it’s absolute hell on earth for us. You are spot on with worrying more when they’re adults. I hope your DS embraces his final year with gusto and realises his worth.

lightsandtunnels · 20/09/2024 20:45

It's a tough one but a dilemma he will need to resolve himself. What we want to say is tell her to do one and you can do much better. But, he needs to fathom that out for himself. You're right to listen and offer advice when asked, I would say. They are very young though and she is clearly mixed up!

SonjaBarkerFinch · 20/09/2024 20:48

He needs to tell her to fuck off.

AngelicKaty · 20/09/2024 20:48

Kettledodger · 20/09/2024 19:57

Annoyed is probably understating how I feel. DS (20) has been going out with his girlfriend (21) for almost two years. She has been notably detached from DS in the last few weeks. They finally spoke a few nights ago and she has said she has feelings for another person and is not sure what she wants to do, as in whether she wants to break up with him or not. She wants to see where this new relationship may go before she breaks up with DS.

I am so cross that she is stringing DS along while she decides. In our minds (me and his father) the fact that she is even contemplating another relationship shows she doesn't respect DS as she should. But of course we haven't said this. We have just listened to him and reminded him that he has worth and that his feelings matter too.

Omg treading through the waters of adult children's lives is worse than when they are younger IMO cos you have to be there for them but also allow them to make decisions that will probably hurt them

Arghhhhhhjj

Of course YANBU (even though this isn't what you were asking! 😂)
So, she's keeping your DS on the back burner while she waits to see if the new bloke has potential? Wow, this is unbelievably selfish and self-centred of her - doesn't she realise how hurtful this is to your DS? We all know the best thing your DS could do is end his relationship with her for his own sense of self-worth, but we all also know he has to make this decision himself.

Dweetfidilove · 20/09/2024 20:52

Perfect opportunity to teach your son that being a doormat makes him very unattractive.

She's being a twat, be he needs to learn when to ltb.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 20/09/2024 20:58

YANBU!

I'd suggest getting him to reverse the situation in his head. If HE had feelings for someone else then what would HE do? Would he think seeing where it went whilst keeping his girlfriend 'on hold ' acceptable?

After 2 years if she isn't sure then perhaps it's best to call it a day??

Fiery30 · 20/09/2024 21:04

Surprised at people saying you need to stay away. Surely as a parent, you can offer advice and your thoughts on the situation, in a reassuring way.

AngelicKaty · 21/09/2024 01:29

Fiery30 · 20/09/2024 21:04

Surprised at people saying you need to stay away. Surely as a parent, you can offer advice and your thoughts on the situation, in a reassuring way.

If DS asks for advice fine, but offering unsolicited advice rarely goes down well with adult children - particularly if it's something they don't really want to hear.

ASeriesOfTubes · 21/09/2024 01:55

She's out the door and down the hall

In every house I've ever been to you have to go down the hall before you go out the door.

PuppiesLove · 21/09/2024 02:00

Your poor son. It's good he can talk to you about it.

When I was a little younger than your son some idiot guy tried to tell me that there was nothing wrong with dating someone else when you were already dating another person, because what if the other person is a better match, how are you meant to find out? I told him that if you had to wonder if someone else might be better, the relationship you're in couldn't possibly be with the right person. Should have dropped it right then but gave him another couple of weeks.

Thevelvelletes · 21/09/2024 02:02

Hopefully he makes her mind up for her and say's cheerio.
Poor lad being kept dangling on a string until she makes up her mind.

Saschka · 21/09/2024 02:11

ASeriesOfTubes · 21/09/2024 01:55

She's out the door and down the hall

In every house I've ever been to you have to go down the hall before you go out the door.

Communal hall outside a flat’s front door

DramaLlamaBangBang · 21/09/2024 03:14

AngelicKaty · 21/09/2024 01:29

If DS asks for advice fine, but offering unsolicited advice rarely goes down well with adult children - particularly if it's something they don't really want to hear.

Show quote history

I don't think advice on this particular situation but general parent advice like ' don't let people take advantage of you' or ' You have a right not to be happy about this and act accordingly'.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 21/09/2024 03:24

I’d be reminding DS that he does have control here.

Right now he’s feeling that he needs to wait to wait for her to make up her mind but he doesn’t owe her that.

Unsolicited advice would be demanding that he end the relationship, but as he’s confided in you he obviously values your opinion.

SherlockStones · 21/09/2024 04:10

Their relationship is now dead as a Dodo regardless of whether she she stays or goes.

Your DS needs to realise this and act accordingly by throwing her back in the sea.