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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DS's girlfriend

40 replies

Kettledodger · 20/09/2024 19:57

Annoyed is probably understating how I feel. DS (20) has been going out with his girlfriend (21) for almost two years. She has been notably detached from DS in the last few weeks. They finally spoke a few nights ago and she has said she has feelings for another person and is not sure what she wants to do, as in whether she wants to break up with him or not. She wants to see where this new relationship may go before she breaks up with DS.

I am so cross that she is stringing DS along while she decides. In our minds (me and his father) the fact that she is even contemplating another relationship shows she doesn't respect DS as she should. But of course we haven't said this. We have just listened to him and reminded him that he has worth and that his feelings matter too.

Omg treading through the waters of adult children's lives is worse than when they are younger IMO cos you have to be there for them but also allow them to make decisions that will probably hurt them

Arghhhhhhjj

OP posts:

Copperoliverbear · 21/09/2024 04:12

I'm sorry i would tell him outright you need to break up with her and move on, don't hang around and be someone's second choice

Edingril · 21/09/2024 04:22

It's nothing to do with you, sure he should break up with her and move on rather than dragging it out but you can't live his relationship for him

rainfallpurevividcat · 21/09/2024 04:25

Personally I'd be secretly delighted that a DC's relationship had split up at this age, while obviously being very supportive to them. It's much too young to be tied down with the love of their lives. Young hearts run free.

EeewDavid · 21/09/2024 04:28

Remind him of the adage ‘don’t make someone your priority who treats you as an option’.

I’d tell my son he’s worth more than what she’s offering and to dump her before she dumps him 💙

Mmhmmn · 21/09/2024 04:34

Don’t be hesitant to show him how unreasonable and offensive her behaviour is. Clearly he DOESN’T know his worth or that someone who’s worth his affection wouldn’t treat him this way. He needs to understand asap not to let himself be treated like that and she’s not worth trying to hang on to. This is an occasion where I’d say don’t hold back on the advice. It’s too easy to let yourself be treated like shit in your 20s.

SunnySundayAfternoon · 21/09/2024 05:07

You can't tell him what to do but you can ask questions that he may not be asking himself when hurt may be clouding his judgment.

Such as...

Will she object if you try different people on for size too.

Or...

What if the potential perfect person for you walks by and you ignore her while you are waiting to see if your girlfriend prefers this other chap.

And...

Don't you consider yourself to be worth more than being a backup.

And maybe...

Have you had yourself tested for STIs.

Making him think for himself is not telling. If you have the open relationship that you appear to have, why can't you ask him a few pertinent questions. Just make sure to let him know, you will be there for him no matter what.

MaxJLHardy · 21/09/2024 06:09

It's v positive that he's broached this with you. Was it your sense that it was solely to use you as a rhetorical sounding board or that he was looking for input more than sympathy? Perhaps you could try asking directly if he wants to hear your thoughts rather than your advice and tell him how you would feel in such a situation so that it's not about him.

AngelicInnocent · 21/09/2024 06:22

Just picked up that he's gone back to uni. Does he have good friends there?

Uni can be lonely and 3rd year is stressful. If you can, I would maybe check in with him more. Maybe a flying visit or 2.

autienotnaughty · 21/09/2024 07:01

If it was my dds I would have advised them to dump the partner.

Katemax82 · 21/09/2024 08:09

That's awful! Who the fuck does that to someone! Hope your son can find happiness after she fucks off

Mummyratbag · 21/09/2024 08:50

She wants out, but doesn't have the balls to say so, no one should have to be someone's "backup plan". I doubt I would deal with this well.

Sorry no answers, hopefully he will do some window shopping too.

RampantIvy · 21/09/2024 08:58

Civilservant · 20/09/2024 20:05

Stay out of it!

She is. One of DD's exes was gaslighting her. It was obvious to me, but I kept quiet and was a shoulder to cry on when he eventually dumped her.

I was angry with him, of course.

I feel your pain @Kettledodger

Oblomov24 · 21/09/2024 10:23

What sort of relationship do you have with ds? Can you ask him? How are you feeling, what are you thinking at the moment? Say, I could offer you a number of options of what you could do right now.

The sad thing is that clearly his self worth isn't strong. Because if it was he'd have immediately known what she was doing is unacceptable. How do you plan your deal with his low self esteem in the future. What have you tried so far?

LadyKenya · 21/09/2024 10:33

It sounds as if she does not want to be the one to end the relationship outright, and would rather that your son did. Even if she did end up staying with him, she will not have any respect for him. Your son should not tolerate being treated like this, and even though it is obviously painful, he should value himself more, and rethink this relationship.

Thebaguette · 21/09/2024 11:10

Please encourage hee to get out. I know when children are adults you have ro respect choices they make but this is different. Abuse leave scars, sometimes it is very hard to completely rid of them.

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