To wonder how I became a school recluse?!

[FasterMichelin]

Sorry for the long one, I'll try to condense!

My DD is in Y2 at school and joined this school at the start of Y1 having moved from another area (but still only 45mins away so same region). She's made lots of friends and is settled and happy.

I, on the other hand, have had a tough year integrating. I tried to get to know the mums at the beginning, lots of enthusiasm, asking questions, standing nearby and reaching out when socially normal to. In my opinion not OTT or intrusive, just normal friendly. Despite the mums telling me they're a friendly year group, I havent found that. Three of the mums actively have ignored me from the beginning. Like, literally blanked me. Very awkward. Others are friendly enough but don't seem to want to get to know me particularly.

I'm not a perfect person, there are days when I'm stressed and tired from work and parenthood and don't want to chat but typically I'm a normal nice person, never had trouble making friends. But as time has gone on, I've found myself on the total outside of this group. I have a few mums I feel comfortable with but they're the kind of friendships where we say hi but don't have much else in common. There's a big group of around 10 mums who always congregate and are very active in the whatsapp group etc.

The whole thing is so awkward that I'm retreating more as I just don't want the tension or stress of trying to integrate. I'm not desperate for close friendships but would like it to feel more easy.

WTF happened, I don't know! I've no idea if it's me or them.

Anyone else on the outside and find it all very awkward?!

I would be ignoring the alphas for a start.😎 Who does your child like at school, I would start with those mums. Hope they aren’t the alpha mums!

My experience of playground mums was made so much easier once I accepted they were not going to be my friends. I didn’t seek friendship, nor was I rude. I sometimes engaged in the WhatsApp group but it was mostly mindless twaddle. I made direct contact with the parents of kids my dc were friends with to arrange birthdays etc, and that was fine.

Just let it go, op. You’re at school to collect your child. Once you’ve made peace with that, it’s all good.

I never understand why people feel like they've failed if they're not best friends with all the other parents.

You don't go into a new job thinking "Right, I need to make friends with everyone", or the pub, the gym, the library.

Is it because it's a school, and it brings back memories for people of when they were excluded from cliques in school?

I never tried to make friends with any of the parents in DDs class, just nodded and said Hello to people, then generally stood on my phone waiting for DD to show up. It didn't seem to hurt DDs social life at all.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots i think it’s because they want their children to do well at school and have play dates etc. At least thats why I socialise with school parents. I’m actual friends with one parent but talk to most of them.

It’s not you or them, it’s just the dynamic that has developed.

They can be a generally friendly group without making proper friendships with every other person in it.

You weren’t there at the start when everyone else who wanted school mum friends was busy trying to establish them. The others who put effort in to make friendships with their children’s classmates have already invested in other people and probably still have to make a fair amount of effort to keep the momentum going so just don’t have the capacity to add another brand new friend to the mix. It’s not personal.

It is difficult to break in to established friendships sometimes. My kid moved schools and I experienced the same thing. In the end, I just gave up trying. I was perfectly friendly at the school gate but didn't try to make friends or integrate into the group. It was a lot better than feeling like there was something wrong with me all the time, to be honest, but of course it meant I had to make friendships elsewhere. Once I wasn't exuding the desperation I felt at the school gate this was much easier!

My kids are in high school now and I remember feeling "out of it" during primary school drop off and pick ups initially but then I didn't care

I gave up trying...I was always polite and friendly but never made friends with anyone. My kids still got invited to play dates and parties, where I'd make small talk with other parents but other than that, I'd pretty much keep to myself.

I had the phone numbers of their close friends parents but never went further than arranging stuff.

School is for your kids to make friends - not you

If it happens that's nice. But if you need or want friends then get a job, a hobby or volunteer and meet people with similar interests.

Honestly I don't really know any of the parents other than a polite exchange of pleasantries - my husband does most of the pick ups and drop offs but when I do go there I wouldn't recognise half of the parents in my youngest DD's class.

I never found that not being friends with the other parents affected that though.

DD made friends, I'd work out who the parents were and either I'd ask about a playdate or the other parent would come up and ask.

I did have an issue for a while where people seemed happy to host DD, but not to send their kids to mine, but that was solved once I realised it was because I was male and they were happy once they knew DP would be around as well.

Lots of parents work and never go near the playground.

Their children do fine socially, have play dates, get party invites.

Maybe I am being naive, but how long do you have to spend with these people? Maybe nursery is different (and I mostly do drop offs), but I turn up, drop them off, hug and kiss goodbye, then go straight to work. At pick up it’s the same, I’ve never waited longer than 10mins. I say hi out of politeness, but I definitely don’t spend enough time hanging about to forge friendships.

You don't have to spend any time with them.

This

It's that basic human need of acceptance and you are seeing it as rejection that is making you feel awkward.

Remember the only common ground you have with any of these parents is that you have children that are in the same class.

You need to expand on that common ground so stick with the mums you do feel comfortable with and further develop those relationships. Perhaps suggest a coffee morning, get the children together for a play date, a weekend trip to the park etc

Best of luck 💐

I've never wanted to be best friends, I just don't want to be ignored. There's a big grey area between hostility and best friends!

Honestly don’t worry about it. Make friends with people you have more in common with than a womb that pushed out a baby within the same year.

I had a great friend for a year who was Thai and had moved for a year for her husbands work. And one of the mums was my dog groomer but that was it. I had nothing in common with most of the village mums.

The gates open at 3pm but they release the kids anytime from 3.10-3.20. I sit in the car as long as possible but inevitably have to hang around the playground for 5-10mins. Which feels like a long time when stood like a lemon!

I feel like this. A social pariah you could say. I got a bit paranoid about it - they’re giving me a look/deliberately ignoring me. I try to forget it now and focus on other stuff but it is hard. I think one PP hit the nail. For me it’s that I don’t have many friends/feel I fit in so it’s just an extension of that. I’m gradually evolving and caring less as I get older. Unfortunately for us and unlike others I do think it affects my kids. They don’t get invited to lots of stuff that goes on some of it they know about some of it they don’t. I just try and brush it off and protect them. Unfortunately I think they inherited their ability to be social and liked from me and are not good at it either!

Maybe they’re jealous of you or think you come across as stuck up. Just ignore them. If they are going to be dicks, why should you waste your time? Be friendly and polite to anyone you talk to but don’t try to make friends or anything like that. They sound ridiculous.

But that doesn't really tally with your original post. It sounds like you've been trying to insinuate yourself into other people's (probably) already existing friendship groups.

The ones who are completely blanking you are likely thinking "Oh god, there's that woman who keeps trying to start a conversation, best not give her an opening!"

Or they could just be in a rush, or yes, they could be rude.

But none of these people owe you friendship, the big group of 10 probably already knew each other, maybe they went to school together themselves. They're not looking for more friends.

So just give everyone a polite Hi, or ignore the people who don't give you one back and if there's noone to chat to get your phone out and catch up on your Mumsnetting.

It can be a bit of a culture shock to be popular and confident, in other areas of life, and to hit this weird social brick wall in the school yard. I was only bothered about the potential affects on my dd rather than myself.

You do, actually, start to give less of a fuck, as the years go on. I used to drop and go. I had totally checked out of the whole situation by year 5.

A core of the parents, of my dd's year group, were some of the biggest twats I'd ever met. Small village school syndrome on steroids and supposedly meant to be friendly and welcoming <eye roll>. I suffered in silence for years, but, it is only since my dd left the school that people came out of the woodwork to say how cliquey the school is/was. I think these people were just ignoring the nonsense and cracking on.

All you have in common with these people is

1. You had sex in the same 12 months
2. You live in the same-ish area.

Once I realised this I suddenly felt much better about also being slightly left out. I lived slightly outside the village my DC were at and that made my commonalities just the sex!

Take your phone, read a book/do your banking when doing pick up and relish the few minute of peace.

(I found my people through hobbies and activities, not the playground)

As a mum whose oldest had a group of parents like this that I did at one point know well and mix with it I would say see it as lucky to avoid them. These cliques become problematic as kids get older, more independent and want to pick there own friendship groups.

From my experience the parents in this group have tried to hold on so tightly to there kids friendship because they are friends. They bitch about every else and everyone's child and believe there kids because the kids all tell the same lie. They are never going to go home and tell there parents they are the year group bullies and do and say the most vile things to other kids are they? The parents message each other and won't accept there kids are horrors. Most of the other parent knows this though. It's very pathetic to watch secondary age kids still having friendships dictated like they are nursery age and parent's arranging playdates together. It's little wonder your kids are horrors.

I work full time but do drop offs and pick ups as I WFH and have the flexibility. I'd much rather not have to do the pick ups but equally I'm not going to use after school clubs just to avoid other mums.

Do you understand the difference between friendly and best friends?