To wonder how I became a school recluse?!

[FasterMichelin]

Sorry for the long one, I'll try to condense!

My DD is in Y2 at school and joined this school at the start of Y1 having moved from another area (but still only 45mins away so same region). She's made lots of friends and is settled and happy.

I, on the other hand, have had a tough year integrating. I tried to get to know the mums at the beginning, lots of enthusiasm, asking questions, standing nearby and reaching out when socially normal to. In my opinion not OTT or intrusive, just normal friendly. Despite the mums telling me they're a friendly year group, I havent found that. Three of the mums actively have ignored me from the beginning. Like, literally blanked me. Very awkward. Others are friendly enough but don't seem to want to get to know me particularly.

I'm not a perfect person, there are days when I'm stressed and tired from work and parenthood and don't want to chat but typically I'm a normal nice person, never had trouble making friends. But as time has gone on, I've found myself on the total outside of this group. I have a few mums I feel comfortable with but they're the kind of friendships where we say hi but don't have much else in common. There's a big group of around 10 mums who always congregate and are very active in the whatsapp group etc.

The whole thing is so awkward that I'm retreating more as I just don't want the tension or stress of trying to integrate. I'm not desperate for close friendships but would like it to feel more easy.

WTF happened, I don't know! I've no idea if it's me or them.

Anyone else on the outside and find it all very awkward?!

And people wonder why they can't get their husband to do pick ups or parties.

It takes time. Accidental meeting. At school drop/pick up. When ur child makes a friend/birthday party. It prob seems like they are all jolly friends meeting secretly but prob just go home or errands.

Some communities have weird dynamics & some mental mums who make others keep quiet.
Is there a parent WhatsApp group? These helpful when there’s an assignment, Parent group?

Just try seem open & approachable. (We had as mum who used to just stand at school gate after she dropped hers and scroll on her phone. Never lifted her eyes from screen but stood there for a long time after bell. It seemed like was listening so other parents just stopped standing at the gates. If you didn’t know, you would think everyone antisocial. )

There kids not yours sorry.

Just scroll your phone until your child comes out 🤷‍♂️

I kinda go out of my way to keep a distance from the school mums 😂
Don't get me wrong, I'm friendly and polite, but I don't want to be involved in the mindless chit chat, walks to the park, gossip etc.

I don’t understand this idea that you should have a gaggle of friends with the main thing in common you have with them is that you had unprotected sex within the same 12 month window.

I would say I made three friends that really matter at the school gate in a school life spanning about eight years. The rest it was all small talk really. I went on a couple of mums nights out over the years because the offer was there but from the day my kids left primary I haven’t seen any of those mums.

Just find the one that has your back. The rest is just noise.

Same here. None of what OP describes would bother me in the slightest.

Horses for courses though.

Well, if you're responding to them with as much hostility as you've responded to this perfectly reasonable post, maybe they're not the problem.

Hi OP

Is there anything else here that could be a factor? Race or your child having any special needs?

You think describing a response to somebody trying to make conversation in the playground (not knocking on their door or whatever) thus:

"The ones who are completely blanking you are likely thinking "Oh god, there's that woman who keeps trying to start a conversation, best not give her an opening!""

and thinking that's normal/ok is perfectly reasonable? Because I don't! This school is supposed to be friendly and welcoming! Explains a lot though.

Thank goodness at my children's school they have a queue situation where there isn't any congregating. And only chatting if you happen to be queuing behind someone you know.

Really hoping my son makes some lovely friends and I can get to know their mums. Not to be pals necessarily but have some friendly faces.

I think the poster she snapped at was just expressing her experience/opinion, they're not being rude or unkind?!

The OP has come on the Internet asking complete strangers with no personal experience of her circumstances for their opinions. The fact that she is responding so abrasively to a perefctly polite response, something she has specifically invited/requested, makes me question her attitude and the way she presents herself to people, yes.

Explains a lot about what exactly?

Don’t worry, you are absolutely not the school recluse! I felt the same when my DD started primary school, felt I had to integrate into the ‘school mum’ groups. Now she is in P2 I realise how silly that was. Re the 10 mums that always congregate - these mums are likely not as close as you think they are, they probably chat for 10/15 minutes at pick up, maybe meet up once in a while with their kids and maybe went out for a drink that one time. They likely aren’t a gang of best friends. If these people have not made it easy for you to be friends with them, then don’t be!

I have always invited the kids my kids liked without any thought of the parents. Most of them I didn't know at first. So I don't think you not being social affects them.

Don't personally see how that works. My DD went on school transport from age 5. . She still made friends fine and we t round to play with other kids ( wasn't called playdates then lol) . My DGS is taxied to school. Plenty of friends and social invitations

OP never said she was owed friendship!? She just wondered why people were not friendly. I always made it a point to talk to new parents because I know how hard it is in the beginning. Just like I say to my kids to try to include the new kid in the playground so he doesn't feel left out. It's just manners and being kind. Ignoring someone who attempts to be friendly is antisocial behaviour.

@FasterMichelin Try to see who the parents are whose kids your dc likes to play with. Then next time ask some questions about the school to that parent and you'll see if they're open for conversation or not. They can't all be antisocial at your school !

I think that I felt I had this big thing in common with them ie a child the same age as theirs in the same class as theirs. But somehow that isn’t a reason to be friends.
You need to seek other friends who eg share a hobby or interest with you.

Literally nobody I know makes friends during the few frazzled minutes at the school gates?! The existing mum cliques always know each other from outside school. Either because they're neighbours or their husbands know each other or they work together or they have mutual friends & family. This is much more common than you think. They're not purposely blanking you but trying to avoid the awkwardness of incorporating a near stranger into a conversation about things that you won't be familiar with.

To break into an existing group on a friendly (not best friend) basis also requires much more time and small talk than the average school dropoff. When the kids are smaller it's usually a play date, birthday party or being the last ones leaving a school event and then going somewhere afterwards for a meal.

Staying connected on social media also helps as everyone likes feedback on their content. Even a few hearts or story responses is enough to keep someone aware and appreciative of you. Again, this isn't rocket science but some people cannot get over their internal bias of hating everything related to social media and refusing to give the social media post-y mums any attention. A heart doesn't cost anything and assuming you're not liking every single story and post, it won't come across as weird or stalkerish.

I don’t understand this idea that you should have a gaggle of friends with the main thing in common you have with them is that you had unprotected sex within the same 12 month window.

😂😂😂 This imagery is never going to leave me