Day before/after wedding

[ellie09]

I am planning a wedding. I just want something low key as this is my second wedding.

The day before the wedding, we are having bridal party stay in the venue and plan to all have dinner. My DP wants to invite his mum to this dinner and said it would be nice for her to join us. Fair enough.

For the day after the wedding, he also said we should have a dinner with family before parting ways. I told him absolutely not, that I will likely be socially exhausted and will just want to soak in the events from the wedding and part ways with everyone after breakfast.

Apparently "his mum wouldnt like that". Basically I told him, I dont really care if his mum wouldnt like it. He seems to be fearful that declining this will cause some sort of fight.

AIBU for putting my foot down and saying no to this? My first wedding, I did a lot of things I didnt really like as I thought it was expected, and this time, I really want to do things my own way and feel comfortable.

I know from getting married the first time that the day after is exhausting and you just want some downtime together rather than having yet another day and dinner spent with family. I also have a very low social battery and drain quite easily after an event, so I may get pretty irritated.

I think breakfast the next day is the norm, but nothing beyond that.

Is it his first wedding?

I think dinner with other people the next day is a bit much.

Unless your parents will be there too? But if not, then your DH and MIL are being unreasonable.

It’s yours and DH’s day so you will both need to compromise and agree on something.

Yanbu. Breakfast is plenty!

I disagree, if you have out of town guests you need to entertain them to some degree until they leave, I've arranged a meet up the night before, brunch on the morning, brunch the day after and a meal at ours the following evening for those still around (not many by then), yes it's work but I've invited them and they have travelled to get here!

How is that supposed to work for couples going on honeymoon?

I can’t imagine myself expecting a ‘just married’ bride and groom entertaining me with meals the day after their wedding day.

That’s what I was wondering…

I doubt my family will be staying beyond breakfast.

I think the next day after drinking and partying/dancing, everyone just want time to go home and decompress

We will have people travelling from different countries also, but they are planning to stay a bit longer and explore our country before going home, so it would be nice to let them and their OHs have some alone time too I reckon

But most or all will be checking out of the hotel by 10am. If they've booked an extra night they probably want that to themselves but pretty much everyone leaves once they've checked out and had breakfast.

If your guests are staying in the same hotel it's usual to have a final breakfast the next day. I wouldn't be interested in a dinner that evening. DH and I were shattered and had the last breakfast and went home to chill.
We were going on honeymoon the next day so wouldn't have been out that night as had a long drive the next day- I think we had a pizza delivered and an early night. Most of our family stayed over so we saw everyone. Your wants trump everyone else's except DH - especially MIL's!
Don't let MIL control anything especially at the start of the marriage- I was quite clear with this with my MIL from the start and to be fair we had a lovely relationship for 30yrs until she died. I was very straight from the start though and DH 100% backed me up- you don't have to be nasty at all just be honest.

MIL hasn't said anything yet. This was DPs suggestion as he "knows that she will likely ask". The venue we want is very close to his home town, but is around 2 hours away from ours. I want to be able to drive back and chill at home for the day, not hanging around my MILs house then going for dinner. I 100% know I will be socially exhausted and overwhelmed.

I already have been flexible for agreeing she can come to the dinner the day before the wedding (as this is only originally intended for our guests who are flying from Canada the day before and the bridal party who will be staying in the hotel the night before also). I wasnt intending to invite ANY family members or additional people to this. But I think its a bit odd to invite your mum up to a meal where everyone else is in their 20s and 30s and no other family will be there?

God, I'd hate having to do a dinner the next day.
Breakfast is more than fine in my eyes!!!

Yep I agree. I didnt even go to breakfast the next day at my first wedding because I was hungover and felt bleh. I just wanted home to my bed and a takeaway (I get a hangover very easily!)

I think it may be because his mum wont be staying at the venue as its so close to her home. But we will be seeing enough of her the day before so...

I may suggest going for lunch with the in laws the day before the wedding so we can have dinner with the bridal party only, seeing as we are close by her home town instead.

I hate to say this OP, but are you absolutely sure you want to marry this guy? The reason I ask, is that it seems to me, that he already allows his DM far too much say in things, and if he's on mummy's side, and always planning on how not to upset her at this stage, I'd be seriously questioning whether this is the sort of marriage that I really want to get into. Imagine when she get's older, and is constantly seeking his company, always wants to come on holidays with you, etc. - yes, I've been here!!

However, if you've already lived together for years, and it's not been a problem until now, then I'd just tell him there will be no second dinner after the Wedding Breakfast, regardless of whether his DM wants it or not.

@ellie09 I'd just tell DH (to be!) it's not what you want- it would be strange for sure to have MIL at a gathering of friends who are much younger. Suggest to him if she asks to shut it down. 'It's not for you Mum - we'll come and see you as soon as we get back and catch up'
Don't be railroaded into something you don't want. I'm not anti MIL's far from it mine was a lovely woman and gave us massive support at times (as we did her)
You just need to keep boundaries from the start. I actually really loved her for all the years I knew her but it could have turned out very different had she not recognised she was overstepping sometimes.

Oh no, I wouldn't like that. I've been to weddings where people do breakfast and sometimes no breakfast, but never a dinner.

At my own wedding, we didn't do breakfast. We said goodbye to guests on the night, had a lovely long lie in the next day, and then packed off on our honeymoon! Guests who had stayed chose to have breakfast in their own groups at different places in the area we married, had a day out, etc., but nothing involving us.

I understand that breakfast is more traditional, but I've never personally been to one that everyone has particularly enjoyed. Everyone is usually tired/hungover/waiting to get off home or do their own thing. Dinner would be extreme!

Most people don’t even want to do breakfast but feel they have to be polite. They’ve celebrated the wedding and it’s the day after. Absolutely no reason for a post wedding dinner. It’s just too much.

It does sound a little strange. I've been to every type of wedding and they're all done differently, however I have found to be popular is having a meal the next day with immediate family and maybe a few close friends. I absolutely hate it as I do be exhausted and want to sleep. I think most are like this but there is many who nearly expect a meal the day after.

I think if you explain to him what you said here he should understand, tell him you want to spend this day with him only and catch up with everyone another day.

are you marrying him, or his mother

do they come as a package him and his mother

please tell me he doesn't live at home with her

I get what you're saying. When I read your post all I could see was 'I' 'I' 'I' ...does your new husband get a say in anything?
Would he really want to do this? If so, indulge him, as its his wedding also. You'll have a lifetime together and a honeymoon too? Grin and bear it if you can.

Me, me, me and I, I, I.
This is both of your wedding 😬

We did afternoon drinks the day after our wedding, but honestly, I could have just waved people off. Definitely not dinner! By dinner, I’d completely lost my voice and was exhausted. Dh and I went for a curry and ate alone in silence because I literally couldn’t speak. 😂

Plan to have his mum/family over for Sunday lunch once everything is settled down post-wedding.

Is this his first wedding? How often does he see his family that he wants to spend time with? I’d consider him wanting to spend time with relatives who he rarely sees as something I’d compromise on if he wants to do. Especially as at weddings you rarely get to spend time with people you may want to. As ridiculous as that sounds but you’re so busy farting about it’s not like you get to have meaningful time with everyone. If it’s family you see allll the time then YANBU by not wanting to do it. Also do you both have different tolerances for social situations ? Maybe start the marriage the way you mean to go on and not argue over activities the other person wants to do. Not a criticism there but I’m sure your future will be filled with lots of social activities and this could be a regular occurrence if you both have different tolerances for social events. Neither of you are wrong with which you prefer 🙂

Leaving after breakfast is what usually happens. You probably will be exhausted, wedding days are a lot!