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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you think this is odd? School parent situation

34 replies

SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:20

Posting on behalf of (and with permission from) my partner who is baffled!

Our DS has just started his second year of primary. Mid way through the reception year he (DP) struck up a friendship with another (male) parent from the other class after they were introduced through our children.

When they saw one another on the school run, the school dad often suggested they meet up with the boys for a game of football or whatever else which DP thought sounded like a nice idea. They exchanged numbers (initiated by the dad) and when school dad next text or called for a chat (which he would do) DP would suggest a time/activity but then the he would go silent.

Then, a week or two later he'd get a call from school dad out of the blue for a completely random chat about sports, games or even what we were having for tea.. during which he (other dad) would once again suggest getting together soon with the boys.

DP suggested a time/place, then silence again!

It happens numerous times so DP decides he probably won't bother again.

This happens again just before the 6 weeks holidays and then he hears nothing from him until the kids went back to school the other week. Then, once again, the school dad starts getting in touch.

Last week he called DP who was cooking at the time and the dad was making conversation about food, what's he having for dinner, what does he like to make etc. He joked about DP going round and showing him how to cook a good curry.

During this call the dad asked whether our DS would like to have a sleep over with his DS (at our house) as the boys had been discussing it at school and his DS had been badgering him to ask if it can happen. DP asked me, from the living room, and I said sure, the boys get on great and his DS is a lovely lad - he's more than welcome.

DS is present so completely aware of all of this and gets excited.

The following day DP texts him and asks whether his DS would like to stay over this coming Friday. School dad replies to say he'll ask him (I thought it was his idea?) then silence again!

The way this pans out anybody would think DP was harassing him yet its always him who initiates contact, suggests things etc.

DP is completely baffled and now so am I.

AIBU to think this is very odd? And what do you think it's all about?

NC btw.

OP posts:
User79853257976 · 19/09/2024 20:27

Very odd!

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

Spenditlikebeckham · 19/09/2024 20:31

Maybe he wants your dh as a mate? Maybe his dw doesn't want the small boy sleeping out. No way in primary imo. Maybe he is skirting the question because she said no way!!

Spenditlikebeckham · 19/09/2024 20:31

Maybe he wants your dh as a mate? Maybe his dw doesn't want the small boy sleeping out. No way in primary imo. Maybe he is skirting the question because she said no way!!

Maria1979 · 19/09/2024 20:36

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

This! Got a friend with social anxiety who is extremely chatty and wants to make plans etc. Always when drinking. Next day if you run into her she hardly says hello. Maybe the alcohol is to deal with MH. I think so which is why I don't hold it against her. Make no more plans with the dad, it's a waste of time and your DS will be disappointed.

LadyQuackBeth · 19/09/2024 20:41

He might be one of these parents who daren't make plans for their child unless child is 100% on board and in charge. There are a surprising number of parents who are nervous to present their children with a done deal, even a nice one.

Maybe he likes DH but the kids don't actually get on very well. Has DH ever suggested going to the pub without the kids (if he'd want to), that would be a good piece of evidence to gather.

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:41

I don't want to say too much incase its identifying as it's quite an unusual situation and it's usually the other way around but in a nutshell the little boys mum isn't on the scene and he doesn't see her very often at all so it's not because she has vetoed a sleep over or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:44

Some considerations we hadn't thought of, thank you!

DP will be reading along.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:47

DP hasn't suggested anything without the kids at this point no, as every time the dad mentioned getting together it was always to be with them included. Good suggestion to mention doing something child free and seeing what he says.

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 19/09/2024 20:49

The dad fancies your DH

Or is just totally overwhelmed by being a single dad

Cas112 · 19/09/2024 20:49

Tell dp to just stop answering him

Weird and maybe it's more about the other dad trying to have some type of friendship than the kids

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 20:56

RockyRogue1001 · 19/09/2024 20:49

The dad fancies your DH

Or is just totally overwhelmed by being a single dad

I made a joke about exactly that earlier on! Suggesting somebody come round and cook isn't generally something dad-to-dad is it? It's something I would have probably said to DP when we were in the flirty stage 😂

DP is likely on the spectrum so flirting goes STRAIGHT over his head!

On a serious note, I can well imagine he does feel overwhelmed as a single parent. We feel for him as it can't be easy, that's partly why DP has always left the door open and would be more than happy to be a friend if needed.

OP posts:
Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 20:59

Just a twat. Empty headed male twat.

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 21:01

yes, more likely by the sound of it, gay twat who knows he cannot achieve anything but has to waste people's precious time

SharpWriter · 19/09/2024 21:03

I had something similar (ish) once with a female acquaintance. She would often text to say 'hi how are you? It would be great to meet up' then when I said 'sounds good, let me know when you're free' she'd go silent. It was totally bewildering. She definitely wasn't a drinker nor a twat- she was nice and had a lot of friends. I never did figure it out so can't offer any advice really, just wanted to say you're not alone!

Cas112 · 19/09/2024 21:13

Ifoughthefight · 19/09/2024 20:59

Just a twat. Empty headed male twat.

Are you ok love?

ThisOchreLemur · 19/09/2024 21:23
  1. Could he be depressed? Want to do things but then has no energy/motivation to do them.
  2. .Is he broke? Same as before, he might want to do those things but then he can't afford them and he is ashamed of it.
  3. He might feel lonely as a single dad and wants a chat with someone does why he calls your husband.
  4. He is gay.
  5. He is just an idiot.
Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:25

SharpWriter · 19/09/2024 21:03

I had something similar (ish) once with a female acquaintance. She would often text to say 'hi how are you? It would be great to meet up' then when I said 'sounds good, let me know when you're free' she'd go silent. It was totally bewildering. She definitely wasn't a drinker nor a twat- she was nice and had a lot of friends. I never did figure it out so can't offer any advice really, just wanted to say you're not alone!

Really strange isn't it!

Slightly different situ but your post has just reminded me of somebody I used to know from my home town.

She would message me endlessly, chat on the phone for half an hour at a time, drone on about her relationship problems (which i let her do as I thought we were friends) then when I bumped into her on a night out and she was with other people she didn't even acknowledge my existence 😂

OP posts:
MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 19/09/2024 21:28

Could be a movie of things. It's already been mentioned but my first thoughts were:

  • depression (trying his best to reach out, trying to find a friend IRL to open up to, then backs out of the idea)
  • possibly gay? Suddenly has courage to open up....Then backs out again
  • potential other MH issues / could be autistic maybe and just really struggles to keep up a friendly relationship, but is really trying - just can't follow through
  • or could even be he's just super busy and maybe has so many mates so arranges things then just physically can't squeeze your DP in

Either way it's frustrating for your DP. But it definitely isn't normal behaviour

Strangerthanfictions · 19/09/2024 21:31

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

This is very astute. I knew this even though I'd didn't realise it about family. Perfect description

Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:31

ThisOchreLemur · 19/09/2024 21:23

  1. Could he be depressed? Want to do things but then has no energy/motivation to do them.
  2. .Is he broke? Same as before, he might want to do those things but then he can't afford them and he is ashamed of it.
  3. He might feel lonely as a single dad and wants a chat with someone does why he calls your husband.
  4. He is gay.
  5. He is just an idiot.

Depressed - it's possible. From the limited info DP has relayed to me I imagine he's had his fair amount of stress to deal with.

Broke - this is something I thought of too. I have lone parent friends who have struggled financially, my DM was also one. To counteract that, just incase, DP has only ever suggested doing something with no costs attached.

Lonely - I think this is probably likely!

Gay - Bisexual perhaps (or realised he is gay in later life) as he's mentioned previous female partners and has definitely slept with women 😂

An idiot - remains to be seen!

OP posts:
Original poster
SilverSam · 19/09/2024 21:36

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 19/09/2024 21:28

Could be a movie of things. It's already been mentioned but my first thoughts were:

  • depression (trying his best to reach out, trying to find a friend IRL to open up to, then backs out of the idea)
  • possibly gay? Suddenly has courage to open up....Then backs out again
  • potential other MH issues / could be autistic maybe and just really struggles to keep up a friendly relationship, but is really trying - just can't follow through
  • or could even be he's just super busy and maybe has so many mates so arranges things then just physically can't squeeze your DP in

Either way it's frustrating for your DP. But it definitely isn't normal behaviour

It's interesting you queried autism as that also crossed my mind. I did think all the interest in what he was having for dinner etc seemed a bit socially awkward (something DP has been in the past when he hasn't known what to say but knows he should say something - and he almost certainly has autism).

Edited to add - I would see him at the school most afternoons and he was definitely less chatty and social than the other parents, he tends to back off a bit and stand on his own or wait across the road.

OP posts:
judgenikki · 19/09/2024 21:47

Mosharella · 19/09/2024 20:28

I would assume alcohol.
I may be wrong but in my experience this is a typical communication style of people who like a drink . Broken promises, random phone calls to talk about nothing , etc.

That's why assumptions should be kept to yourself he may be new to area or a single dad or finds it difficult to interact lots of reasonable reasons also just don't jump straight to alcohol

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 21:52

The alcohol thing is definitely a possibility.

Could also be someone who is overwhelmed, especially as a single parent. I am not a single parent, but I am a very busy, peri-menopausal woman who has quite a lot of stress at various times and there have definitely been times when I might pick up the phone to call someone spontaneously, but making forward plans if there's any choice/decision making is just beyond me in these moments. SO someone saying "Let's meet up for drinks - wednesdays and fridays are usually good for me" which, when I'm NOT stressed and overwhelmed would be a fantastic opening gambit on making social plans, literally paralyses me in those moments because the planning, thinking and decision-making feels too much.

If this is the case with him, my suggestion to your Dh would be to send him plans that he can do spontaneously, if he wants to. eg, "Me and DS are heading to the park for some football in about an hour if you and Johnny are around and want to join us. Just turn up." Or "The begging for Mcdonalds is insane over here so we're going to head down there for dinner tonight. Let me know if you want to throw in the towel on prepping dinner and meet us there."

MrSeptember · 19/09/2024 22:03

Oh, and re my example, a friend who knows me well and who is avery much a planner, "manages" me further when she knows I'm in this state even with longer-term things. She'll send me a message saying "I'm booking the trampoline park for next Sunday at 11:00. Do you and DC want to come? If so, I'll book for all of us". It's a simple yes/no answer for me. Sometimes I say yes. Sometimes I say, "I'd love to but I just can't work out what we're doing on Sunday yet and I don't know if there's sports or in laws or whatever" and she, bless her, says, "ok, if you are free, and there's still tickets it would be great to see you."

[Also, I feel obliged to add I am not always like this and my friend totally understands AND I am an excellent friend in other ways and she would 100% agree that we play to each other's strengths. eg I am much more confident socially and outgoing so will bring her along to things she wants to do, but feels nervous doing alone or will act as her wingman]