Do you think this is odd? School parent situation

[SilverSam]

Posting on behalf of (and with permission from) my partner who is baffled!

Our DS has just started his second year of primary. Mid way through the reception year he (DP) struck up a friendship with another (male) parent from the other class after they were introduced through our children.

When they saw one another on the school run, the school dad often suggested they meet up with the boys for a game of football or whatever else which DP thought sounded like a nice idea. They exchanged numbers (initiated by the dad) and when school dad next text or called for a chat (which he would do) DP would suggest a time/activity but then the he would go silent.

Then, a week or two later he'd get a call from school dad out of the blue for a completely random chat about sports, games or even what we were having for tea.. during which he (other dad) would once again suggest getting together soon with the boys.

DP suggested a time/place, then silence again!

It happens numerous times so DP decides he probably won't bother again.

This happens again just before the 6 weeks holidays and then he hears nothing from him until the kids went back to school the other week. Then, once again, the school dad starts getting in touch.

Last week he called DP who was cooking at the time and the dad was making conversation about food, what's he having for dinner, what does he like to make etc. He joked about DP going round and showing him how to cook a good curry.

During this call the dad asked whether our DS would like to have a sleep over with his DS (at our house) as the boys had been discussing it at school and his DS had been badgering him to ask if it can happen. DP asked me, from the living room, and I said sure, the boys get on great and his DS is a lovely lad - he's more than welcome.

DS is present so completely aware of all of this and gets excited.

The following day DP texts him and asks whether his DS would like to stay over this coming Friday. School dad replies to say he'll ask him (I thought it was his idea?) then silence again!

The way this pans out anybody would think DP was harassing him yet its always him who initiates contact, suggests things etc.

DP is completely baffled and now so am I.

AIBU to think this is very odd? And what do you think it's all about?

NC btw.

Another vote here for alcohol ........

Thank you for your perspective that's definitely pause for thought. I know exactly what you mean because I can be like that myself. I've got ADHD and feel overwhelmed much of the time, so making concrete plans in advance can be both difficult and a bit stressful as things always tend to crop up between work and my older DC's.

If this were the case with DP's friend I know DP would be understanding and accommodating so It's a shame he doesn't feel able to say "lots on, difficult to commit in advance" or something.

DP is going to drop him a line in the next few days and suggest popping for a pint the same day. His friend has supportive DP's who have his DS for him when he needs a hand so childcare shouldn't be an issue. I'll update with what happens!

Maybe he likes the idea of meet ups but the reality of arranging them/managing his diary is too overwhelming for some reason.

This. It's not money, as a sleepover at yours costs him nothing. If he had designs on your DH he'd be making firm plans to get him round there - maybe even away on some Dads/Son trips.
He's one of those annoyingly likeable but insincere people who like a drink and chat when they've got spare time and they talk a good fight. But only when it suits them. They're like it to everyone.

I agree with PP there’s a bit more to this, and possibly something tricky like alcohol involved (although with the suggestion of a sleepover I was going to say trying to get extra childcare, even before you said single parent!) Being a single parent is really tough - being a kid whose mum has disappeared must also be really tough. What you’ve said suggests there is a lot going on in that house at the very least.

The one thing I would do is really keep an eye out for that little boy if he is lovely and your son and he are good friends. Try not to let the dad’s weird flakiness prevent him being invited to things etc. Even if it means sometimes going a bit further out of your way than you might normally - you may need to be quite proactive to ensure plans actually happen. Let that child know he is valued.Try and focus more on facilitating the friendship than on the dad and your DP.

If you can, bump into the dad on the school run yourself. Make contact and say you’d like to have his son over. Be clear with him along the lines of: we wouldn’t want to disappoint the boys if it’s not going to happen, so why don’t we fix a time now? We could pick him up X or Y day and he can come for tea. Which works for you? You can collect him from ours at x time.

Also might help to create a buffer, just in case your DP decides he doesn’t want to get too friendly with the dad, but you do want the boys to stay close. That way the kids’ friendship isn’t dependent on the adults getting on.

I know so many men who are just absolutely crap at making plans. They don’t seem to understand that just saying it would be nice for something to happen will not make it so. (Unless it’s something they want to do!) I reckon between him and your DH it’ll never go ahead - get involved!

I cannot for the life of me fathom how your DH has managed so many conversations, without ever saying "Nah mate, you never get back to me when I suggest dates/times".

Would that not be a normal bog standard thing to say?

Good points! I'll try and catch him on Monday, DP is on school run duties tomorrow.

I will definitely keep an eye out for his DS, he's such a sweet child. He was dealt an absolute shit hand in life in terms of his DM and I feel awful for him about it. He's always welcome here or on any outings or activities we do and I'll keep that door open regardless of how things pan out between DP and dad.

I haven't got to know him very well myself and it's always been DP talking to him although I do say hello etc he definitely seems less interested in talking to me 😁 but I will try!

That's where my mind went too 😳

To lots of people yes it would 😂