DH inviting another woman out...AIBU

[AppelationStation]

DH told me last night that the thing he had planned to do this evening after work, he was doing with another woman. Someone he met through work. She is married, they don't fancy each other, it's platonic and they share an interest.

He'd arranged it last week. He didn't tell me then, but is now feeling pangs of uneasiness and wanted to know if I think he's doing anything wrong.

Context:

Our DS has gone on a school trip for a few nights, so we have a couple of rare child free evenings together. We seldom get these.

DH is going away next week, for the whole week, abroad, for work. Once in a life time thing and I'm happy for him and want him to go, but it can't be denied that it's going to make my life harder for a week (juggling DS and working full time, DH usually does a couple of pick ups). That's OK, I'm sure he would do the same for me if I needed him to.

I have been unwell, in and out of hospital / various clinics after an injury about 6 weeks ago. It's making me a bit low.

DH decided to tell me who he was going with because he "felt weird about it" and basically wanted my reassurance that it was normal and fine. I did't tell him that, and instead said it my was not my job to make him feel OK about his decisions.

DH has form for doing something he knows is a bit iffy but doing it in such a way and building such a case of moral ambiguity about it that I seem unreasonable if I object. Its how he gets his own way. He's done this before (not involving women) and I don't like it because it feels sneaky, manipulative and weak. I told him as much.

Am I unreasonable for thinking this is not really on? Aside from the going out platonically with another woman thing, the timing of it and the way he went about it sucks?

To add the cherry on top, we've had a few difficult discussions about our marriage lately. The result of which being we agree it isn't at its best, we're both frustrated and both want to make thing better, and both need to put the work in.

DHs brother has recently ditched his wife of 10 years and mother if his kids to be with a skinny, child free person who shares his hobbies because they "have more in common". It makes me twitchy.

Yet somehow, I feel weirdly calm.

Incidentally he didn't go in the end. They've rearranged for Tuesday.

Rare few nights child free and he arranged to do something with another woman

Erm.. Just no !

I’d be twitchy too… have you thought what you want to happen in your life and with your marriage?

If it is all fine and platonic then why did he feel the need to hide it?

He is manipulative and sneaky, you're right.

He's created this situation and presented it in such a way that you will feel unreasonable for telling him he's out of order.

To add the cherry on top, we've had a few difficult discussions about our marriage lately. The result of which being we agree it isn't at its best, we're both frustrated and both want to make thing better, and both need to put the work in. Actions speak louder than words.

Yep, an affair in the making, Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You tell him you are uncomfortable and unhappy with this @AppelationStation and you don't want him to go with her.

His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Just the fact your husband wants to go out on a "date night" with another woman would not sit right with me. Let's be honest he picking spending time with her over you. Stop being the "cool" wife and if you don't want your husband "dating" another woman tell him and his response will be the real "tell" of where your marriage is.

Had this recently OP. Nipped it in the bud there and then, he hasn't seen her since.

The fact that he would do this when your marriage is shaky is a huge red flag.

He arranged it a week ago and probably told you about it a week ago but waited until the night before to let you know it was actually another woman he is going with because he suddenly feels weird about it? lol.

He's a prick, he knows exactly what he is doing. Call his bluff and straight up tell him it isn't ok and he shouldn't go, see what he says.

Is this ‘non-date’ to do with the hobby? If it were a one-off special event - ie. Top UK golfer giving a talk at local golf club, fair enough, but not for a routine event, especially one that can be re-arranged so quickly. I would have thought that after a pang of guilt, he would have cancelled it completely.

Yeah he's behaving badly and he knows it

No he should absolutely not be going on a date night with somebody from work. Not acceptable in any way.

I find it rather odd, that on the rare child free time you have, that he would think its perfectly reasonable to ask another woman out to do something, rather than treat his own wife to a rare date night. Especially as it sounds like you have had a rough time and your marriage could do with some TLC.

At the end of the day, you can't control what others do, and the choice is ultimately up to him. However, you are also entitled to tell him how his actions and choices make you feel. And I would make a point of telling him exactly how they made me feel.

If he still chooses this despite knowing how you feel, that tells you all you really need to know, and I would be ultimately deciding if fighting for the marriage is worthwhile (especially if there are other issues)

Tell him you're uncomfortable with it and it sounds like he's going on a date with her. Hopefully he'll realise it's inappropriate and cancel

A bit of me thinks "if he wants to do it, he wants to do it".

No amount of me telling him I don't like the idea is going to change the fact he thought it was ever a good idea in the first place.

Maybe I'm numb. I am on a lot of painkillers.

So if you're having a child free week then go with him!

I'd he says no you have your answer as its clearly dodgy!

I agree with this.

RE my above reply, when this happened to me recently and once I told him how it felt, he cancelled completely after his own reflection and apologised. Then took ME out for a date night

That's what I'd be looking for here, a bit of empathy and self awareness.

What does it involve? Him picking her up and going to some hobby venue to watch something?

Or a bit of dinner in a quiet little restaurant I know....

If the former I'd be none too pleased.

If the latter his bags would be outside the front door when he returned home.

Is this woman going to the work event abroad?

On the face of things - okay. I'm assuming this isn't a thing that especially interests you, and it's not abnormal to spend time out of work with opposite-sex colleagues.

But ... you've both been reviewing your marriage, you've been off form for a while with illness, this coincides with child-free time you could have spent together, and he dithered on whether to tell you. The overall context makes this not okay, really 😢

Also, you're right to factor in his brother's situation - divorce is 'catching' - and his work trip. Will the same colleague be joining him there?

I'm sorry about this, but maybe you could get together with a good friend Tuesday night and really chew over whether this marriage is right for you any more?

I think this 'approval' is so in the future, if he ends up having an affair with her, he can throw it back in your face and say you allowed it.

Nope. Not for me. If it's such an exciting outing he can take you can't he? What is it with blokes and their 'hobbies'?

What about saying to him something like 'I don't feel like this is ok. It is up to you what you do next, but the fact you weren't upfront and the fact you've opted to spend time with someone else just doesn't sit right'.

You don't have to pretend to be ok with something you're not ok with. You also don't have to try to control what he does next.

I feel a bit weird about this, because I have four or five male friends that I have no qualms about going out solo with. I would be really cross if DP had an issue with me going out with a friend just because they’re the opposite sex.

However, it does sound like you have other issues with your relationship and that this may just be a thing that’s triggering worry or insecurity in you and he definitely needs to address the root cause of that.

Are you hoping for him to have an exit affair?

I would be fuming if my DH had arranged to do something with someone else on a rare childfree night when our kids were of an age where that mattered. Really, really incensed. It doesn’t matter who it was with. We struggled so much to get quality time together when the kids were young.

I don’t think the sex of the colleague he’s arranging to do this with is that relevant (assuming you don’t have reason to disbelieve the platonic bit) except in that it seems he wouldn’t even have felt uneasy about it if she weren’t female. And that makes me think that it does make a difference to him. Added to the not taking the opportunity to have some kid free time with you, that might make me a bit concerned. It may be platonic now, but is he looking for something else?

I’m not sure that you being under the weather (unless you mean really sick in a needing actual care way) or him going away for a week are that relevant. Especially since DC won’t be there so him going out doesn’t place an extra burden on you.