Friend upset I’m spending “too much time” with new boyfriend? Aibu?

[lemursandlemons]

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for just over 2 months. We do spend a lot of time together, a lot more than I have spent with other people in the past. Recently it’s been Friday night to Sunday night (2 weekends away recently) and a couple/a night in the week. I really like him, and we seem to be building a nice relationship.

Friend and I have lived together for 2 years. We’ve both had our own routines but sometimes will spend the night in together watching tv or going for a walk at the weekend. My friend has made it clear she doesn’t want my boyfriend in our home -eg., so asks what I’m doing at the weekend and if I say seeing boyfriend she says “hope he’s not staying here”. My previous ex boyfriend was also not welcome in the house and I had to give her prior notice if he was staying over and sometimes she would refuse.

She seems to have instantly disliked my boyfriend though she has never met him. She asks for details of my weekends with him and then will point out things she feels are “red flags” eg., it’s a red flag he buys me flowers, it’s a red flag he asked me to be his girlfriend after 2 months dating, it’s a red flag he takes pictures of us and puts in on social media. She has thrown gifts away (little things like plants) off him because they were “cluttering the house”.

I’ve stopped speaking about him and give the vaguest answers when she asks about him.

She has told me it’s a red flag I am spending too much time with him, and that I need to “prioritise” my life. Nothing has changed for me - I still see my family, my other friends, still do my gym classes and work full time. The only thing that’s changed is I am physically sleeping out the house at the weekends, but I wouldn’t usually see her then anyway!

I am thinking of moving out (NOT with new boyfriend!) because it’s so uncomfortable when I do see her.

Aibu??

You need to move out and get your own place.

Why is she forbidding him to come to your home? Does she own it?
She sounds jealous.

It’s so awkward when this happens OP, I’ve been there - I’ve been both her and you. She probably doesn’t want a man she hardly knows in her home, she won’t want to hear her mate shagging. She’s probably feeling jealous of your relationship and lonely over the weekend and she’s (wrongly) acting out towards you because of it. She probably worries about where she’ll live/who she could replace you with if you moved in with him.
Likewise, you naturally want to spend time with your new boyfriend because you really like him and you will start to resent her for trying to keep him away, and for being so rude about him with barely knowing him.

It’s a really tricky one! Is she a good friend; did you know her before moving in together?

Have you always been just friends or has there ever been more to it? If she’s been like this with other boyfriends are you sure she doesn’t have feelings for you?

How is she when she’s dating someone?

It's hard to say.

She sounds overbearing. However I once lived with someone who got very into boyfriends very quickly, and it was annoying as they dominated the space.

So I'm on the fence! But throwing things away is not ok.

She’s jealous, give it no headspace and you should be allowed to bring a partner home.
giving notice is polite, but it’s not for her to say no.

She’s clearly jealous. You need to move out for sure.

It's OK to set boundaries about partners/boyfriends/rando shags when you live with someone, but this is going far beyond that and she's actually going to end up pushing you away.

She sounds jealous, whether it's of him or the relationship or whatever, it doesn't really matter - she's being completely U. You need to talk to her about it but if you don't get anywhere then yeah, I think you need to consider moving out.

Is she gay/bi?

Move out asap.
Tell her nothing until it is all aranged.
SHE is a red flag.

I don't normally go for the, "She's jealous," explanation but it think it's appropriate here.

She doesn't want him to stay over so you have to stay at his but she's also pissed off that ypu don't spend enough time at home with her anymore.

Jealous.

She sounds immature and jealous, quite embarrassing!

Definitely get your own place. She’s holding you back.

The only red flag I am seeing here is your friend! She sounds quite awful!

I can't believe you let her get away with throwing away your gifts. And saying you can't have him stay over. You are being very silly. Time to stand up to her. She's no friend.

Definitely don’t think she’s got feelings for her 😂 she’s said some quite nasty things about my appearance of the time I’ve known her.

Shes not had a boyfriend since I met her, she does go on dates with men but she doesn’t seem to like them/it never goes further than date 2. So I am mindful not to brag/be overexcited about my boyfriend in front of her but I would like to have him over here just for the sheer convenience of not having to lug my stuff to and from his every time!

I agree with this. I’ve been on both sides but more recently as the friend who has essentially been binned because of the new exciting boyfriend.
She probably is a bit jealous, but equally maybe she’s feeling a bit sidelined if you were close. Its not a nice feeling, and then when the relationship gets a bit less exciting suddenly the friends are needed again, but unfortunately they are long gone

Definitely odd behaviour.

It does sound like she is jealous, and trying to stop you seeing him.

As long as you are happy that none of her points have validity, and you are not ignoring things in the first flush of lust, then ignore her.

Whether you move out or just keep her at arms length and don't share too much information with her, is up to you. If you are generally happy where you are and have no other reason to move, then stay put but start to have a look at what's out there.

She may be jealous or, she's had friends before who are happy to spend time with her when single but then drop her like a stone when they have a bloke, only to be expected to be there again to resume the same level of friendship as soon as the relationship ended. I've been the 'always available reserve' and it ended a very good friendship because I wasn't going to be used in that way.

Shes not your mother and even if she was your not a child and this shits so creepy and controlling.

Are you a lodger in HER house? because if not I wouldn't have someone tell me what I can and can't do in my own home. It frankly sounds like she is not suited to living with someone.

Why does she think she has a right to touch and throw away YOUR belongings?

When you and BF split up you'll need this friend.

She's no friend

I opened this thread somewhat biased towards favouring the friend here, as its a pretty common occurrence that someone gets a new partner and then neglects friends (my sister is an absolute classic for this!)...

However the more I read, the more it seems to be that your friend is the bloody red flag here - I get being concerned, and not wanting a strange bloke in what is also her home... but throwing away gifts he has given you, that you clearly do want to keep... that is really controlling and fucking rude quite honestly.

I'd be looking to move out, nothing you've said about her makes her seem like a good friend!

Also people don't have to be gay/bi to be creepily co-dependant with someone the same sex.

Co-dependance can happen with people of any sexual orientation, gender, age etc... and often has little or nothing to do with sex.

We have an elderly brother/sister version of it in our family. Nothing at all romantic/sexual/incestuous about their relationship but they have lived their whole life together as siblings/roommates. They are like an old married couple (people assume they are husband and wife) having never dated, moved out, lived alone or had relationships with others... the only thing they ever did separate was the jobs. Its weird but not 'sexual'.

Same way some parents latch on to a child and won't let them fly the nest. People will form 'lifestyle' with people and try to block others out but its controlling and weird especially if only one sees the 'relationship' like that and the other is trying to have normal external relations.

Is the housing situation equal or are you her lodger? I think it's good for people who share a home to have ground rules about people staying over so that arguments are avoided. I'd suggest you consider if it's time to find somewhere else to live. Be honest though, are you hoping/relying on fact she will still be around if the relationship does end?

I’m not close enough to her to “need” her when the relationship ends. I still see my best friends, but I wouldn’t class her as a good friend, just a friend. The friendship has been strained for a while so I’m not expecting us to be friends forever if that makes sense.

Not a lodger either, we pay equally